Presents.

With the holidays come and gone and within the hectic that was Christmas I was constantly reminded just how far I have come and just how lucky I am.

Why anyone would give up on everything I have with Michael makes me seriously wonder about people's sanity. I understand not being happy though I've been there done that and if its not meant to be it won't be no matter how hard you try.

I am so happy like stupid happy and grateful and did I mention happy?! Well I am. I understand its always going to be work to some extent remember who I am. So don't judge and think I've lost it trust me I'm fully aware I'm just amazed at how perfect we really are for each other I never ever thought anything like this was even a remote possibility for anyone let alone me.

So with that being said I am going to scamper off and finish working for the day (barf) and go home to my little family.

-Manda

Not for you.

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like kicking a puppy off a cliff? a really cute fluffy adorable one? Yeah thats today... it didnt start off that way but it seems to be ending that way.

I feel like i am in a tunnel of trying to live down my past and someone else's while silently crying. Its probably just a bad day, or something. Im happy i really am but i just feel like i can do anything right i cant be sad i cant be angry i cant go inside my head and try to figure out how to process things when ive been doing it that way for years its been my coping mechanism without being accused of being unhappy. I feel like im fighting a losing battle some days.. and today my strategy at dealing with these things is to cry. I dont like doing it im not necessarily proud of it but im not sure what else to do.

So the happy of this week?! thanksgiving was wonderful with my new in laws, Ayden turned 6 and we had a wonderful day i kept the kids home and we hung out and did projects and i cleaned. I only had to work two days which makes me happy because i just wanted to spend the time with my family which is going..kinda split time between other parents and work for michael kinda eats into that but i understand its just how things are and im not resentful of it. Its just an adjustment for me.

Im going to go now i just needed to vent.

-Amanda

No idea.

Life seems to know how to hit you when you’re down and when you’re not, it never fails to smack you back into reality. I’ve probably been too happy for too long? Well suck it life because im still happy. This is me sticking my tongue out at you, I’m stronger then you give me credit for and even if I have to keep telling myself that I’m still coming out on top this time I will NOT allow you to swallow me again we’ve played this game once and it took me awhile to realize how to fight back not this time.

Game on.

I kind of had to get that out my brain is on overload the things I want are contradicting with the things I have to do I feel like it’s a never ending game of tag. I am so very lucky in everything I have, with all the shit I have given up in my short life I still have a lot more than most. For that I am beyond thankful so I’ll take whatever comes next and wait and hope for the best and regardless deal with it because one way or another ill make it and this time family intact that’s a promise.

None of this makes sense to anyone outside of my brain for that I’m sorry and I wish I could put into words exactly what I’m talking about but I can’t seem to find them and this is all I could come up with hopefully next post will be better but this is my place and this is what I needed to get out. You choose to read it I don’t force you too.

-Amanda

Tomorrow

Long time no post.

I’m usually notorious for this so…you should be used to it. That being said Im sick…. Again Sinus infection. Poor mikala has Strep again and needs her tonsils out and I haven’t seen in her in a day and its already killing me.

Ali moved in with us, Its temporary until she can get either a better paying job or a roommate or both six months that’s how long she has. I am worried about things I think I was more worried before it actually happened then now. I doubt she will be around much she works late and has her own life which I’m grateful for but I worry I’ll be sucked into it…it being taking care of her and I don’t want to I just have to keep reminding myself I don’t have to it’s not my responsibility which was way easier with her living far away from me or at least in another house.

My new job is pretty good I have mandatory overtime for the next two months only four to five hours a week so I should be able to handle that the extra money will be nice as well.

It’s been four months just a few days ago its honestly been the best four months I’ve had probably ever. That being said I’m stuck in my head again I feel unworthy and almost guilty I’ve not been the best person in my past I don’t have relationship experience outside of one failed marriage and explosion of a life and that makes me want to slink away tail tucked. Somewhere in my head I know better I know the shit I’ve put up with was preparing me in a way for this teaching me not to take it for granted the good.. not to focus on the bad because if I do it will end badly for everyone.

I wish I had the words to express how grateful I am how much my little family means to me. How much Michael does.. but words seem to fail when you try and put that down because no matter what I say no matter how I put it, it just doesn’t feel like it’s enough. Ayden has a dad that he loves a home that is secure because we make it that way routine and so much love and a sister. I have everything I have ever wanted or hoped for and then some and I’m lost as to what to say other than thank you!

I guess I better get back to work.

-Manda

Hello

Its been awhile, Almost a month maybe? A lot has happened some wonderful things and some not so wonderful things.

I am beyond happy to report that i am engaged!! yes i know its gone fast... what can i say? nothing really I'm happier then i have ever been and i don't want to ever lose that.

I started my new job so far so good I'm done with training and actually go out on the floor on Tuesday so wish me luck there. Ali's dad sold her house and it looks like she will temporarily be moving in with us in our unfinished basement. I'm not sure how temporary it really will be and that scares me i don't want it messing with the life I'm building but then i feel guilty because i should be more willing to help her. We have a plan to talk about a deadline on the move out date though so that helps my anxiety.

The kids seem to be terrors as soon as we get them back from their other houses and it makes us anxious and a bit stressed i think. We just have rules and structure and expect certain things from them and at the other houses they don't. We picked out their Halloween costumes ayden is a Ninja and Mikala a Vampire i will post pictures from Halloween. I never really dress up and i want to this year because i did last and Michael usually does but i want us to be something that kind of matches. I just feel huge and like a cow and am afraid to fit into anything really. My insecurity is showing today.

Alright well ill try to post more soonish.

-Amanda

Thursday

I guess its been a couple days..

I had a pretty bad asthma attack that started mid day Tuesday.. Ok thats a lie i woke up at 4 am that morning not able to breath and ignored it. anyways so it really got to me about noonish Tuesday and didnt stop finally i decided to ask to leave which they let me because apparently my lack of oxygen was apparent on my face go figure. So i went home shaking before i even did a treatment desperately trying not to pass out and did a breathing treatment and half fell asleep for an hour then showered and did another and another.

My sweet boyfriend bought me avengers and picked up the kids and fed them and me and bought me a new iPhone case..im spoiled and i love him and he didn't have to do any of it for me to love him. Plus i think he took the hint after i mentioned for the fourth time that day that avengers came out even through my i cant breath haze... haha. We watched it last night with ali and the kids ayden loved it mikala bounced around it obviously wasn't something she really enjoyed. Maybe one day? i dunno i liked that stuff at her age.

Ali might take both kids tomorrow which I'm bouncing between excited and sad that they would both be gone..

In other news if i could walk out of this job right now i would. But then id feel guilty because the money is easy and all i have to do is sit here for two more days...but i don't wanna. I keep getting projects put on my desk.. i mean really i have a day to do them?! why?! oh well whatever.

Ill update tomorrow.

- Amanda

Kids

I was really happy Friday. Until about mid afternoon when mikala's mom decided she was going to go after Michael and use me to hurt him. I knew there was a reason i couldn't stand her in high school and we only hung out a few times when the kids were babies..

It wasn't what she said about me that hurt because i know none of it was true it was the fact that i realized how very much i love Mikala i knew i loved her i just didn't fully realize until the prospect of me not being able to see her set in. It was like a giant kick to the heart, Made worse by the fact that i have no legal rights to her and I'm not her mom. But i love her and id fight for her until her mom gave in or i died which ever came first.

Her mom seems to be backing down and wants 50/50 and that's fine i can deal with that because like i said I'm not her mom and i cant keep her 100% of the time even though i desperately want too. The kids might drive me nuts every day with their fighting or being completely hyper but i wouldn't trade it for the world.

So.. Ali is being good with ayden even stepping up to help me with an appointment he has tomorrow not that she is going to show up for it but that she will pick him up from me so i don't have to miss more than an hour of work not that i mind missing more from this place but i really need the money and if it were not for that id be long gone.

So ill update more later there are things i could post but right now don't have the time for!

-Amanda

Verdict?!

I got the job! Yeah jump up and down with me!... Yes i might have done exactly that when she offered me the position..Maybe not though?! Whatever no one saw me even if i did. I also received a bit of a raise going to this new place of employment not too much but enough and the pay days are twice a month rather than bi-weekly which will take getting used too.

My soon to be ex boss is a giant fat cow and needs to take a flying leap off a very large cliff. To say i hate her is probably an understatement im not sure how one person can be such a hateful monster and still be living. True story id tell you all the things she did to me but its not worth my time or energy im choosing to be happy to let it go but i hope she lives with it forever.

Ali is coming over again tonight to hang out with ayden and have dinner i am making Tatomess and if you really want to know i will tell you what it is exactly that requires a comment though and trust me its SO good. Anyways Because of this carb overload i will be partaking in i wont be eating today... like at all plus Ive gained a bit of weight which makes me feel like a fat cow. An ugly huge fat cow...It might have something to do with I'm trying to fight getting strep/a cold?! i dunno.

In other news i have fallen in love with this little monster of a kitty she thinks shes a dog and that's perfect because i suspect that i am pawning my kassie love onto her and i love Ruger see picture below but he cant just be snatched up and held. Her name is carrot and her sister is bunny and looks just like her just slightly different Mikala named them but id totally own those names myself so eh..

Rugar and carrot.. see how could you not love that face?! He does make it hard when he runs off and wont come back that's really his only downfall and that hes not so smart but the dumb might make him cuter? I dunno.

I will leave you with the cuteness of our kids! Have a good Thursday!
-Amanda

Nothing

No one reads this blog and for that im mostly grateful, You know unless it was way popular and i could make money off of it and take my children too school everyday..

I stayed home today.. yeah i shouldn't but i did anyways will get to that later. So i dropped ayden off at school and i got there almost right after Mikala got there from daycare and i got to hug them both and watch them walk into school and it was the best feeling ever and i want more of that but that's the price i will forever pay not having an education or you know a decent job. Ok that's a little harsh i have a good job i have a shitty boss and management and at least i have a job so i am thankful for that.

I interviewed last week for a better paying job a better job in general i did great the first interview not so great the second and they checked my references...i still haven't heard from them and im trying to be optimistic but im not sure how much longer i can be.

I got stupid drunk on Saturday which happened to be Mikala's Sixth birthday party. Yes i win bad mom of the year for that one and owe Michael a lot for putting up with me that night and every other after it. Anyways i think that's it for now.. thanks for reading?!

-Amanda

...

I am in a very emotionally vulnerable place right now, My mental state took a hit yesterday and put me in a funk that I'm having a really hard time shaking my brain takes over and i start over thinking and anything you say to me makes me feel like everything really is going to fall apart.

Ill shake it it just sucks while I'm in it. Ayden is with Ali today and i think that's probably for the best because I'm lost and not sure what to say to her and he is good at making us both melt and not fight. I love her and I'm torn because i have no idea what I'm supposed to do next I'm trying to make everything all better and i don't know if i can and i don't want to lose whats mine and I'm so fucking scared. None of this makes sense and i might contemplate going into further detail later but right now its hard enough for me to focus..

Ill post sometime soon.

-Amanda

Tuesday

My insecurities get the best of me sometimes, then again if yours don't id say you are doing something wrong. I have one ex to deal with and well...as odd as that whole situation is its just one. I knew i would have to deal with ex's and i have handled this all pretty well im just insecure about being around the most recent. I feel like I'm somewhere i shouldn't be like she was there first lived in the same house had her kid there just like i have mine.. i don't know its stupid and i know it is and im not dwelling on it but im just putting it out there.

Ive never thought i was anything more than just pretty probably due to the fact that people are always say oh you are so pretty. Thanks. when you say it in that tone it makes me want to smack you and cry. its almost like an insult when people say it as an after thought. Beautiful until the last two months i could count on one hand how many times id been called that. Now i couldn't tell you how many times Michael has told me that. Maybe im starting to believe it? i think i am...It helps the above insecurities. Or rather all of them.

I need my confidence today i have a final interview..with the director of the department Ive been interviewing for and then a meeting with HR and I'm nervous and i need to not be and i probably will be right up until i go in and sit down and start talking because at that point i block it all out. Anyways my point being wish me luck! Also is there anyone out there who even reads this? and if so any questions for me?

-Amanda

Goodmorning

I woke up with two very handsome boys in my bed. (not a slut stop thinking like that perverts!) It was pretty much the best thing ever to wake up too.. Only we were missing mikala.

I have been generally happy with the slight exception of some stress coming via the way of the other parent to ayden. Shes saying she is going to move out of state and i know if she does she wont see ayden and that breaks my heart I'm so tired of fighting and feeding into the latest drama i cant do it. I wont do it my life isn't perfect it never will be but its perfect for me no matter what comes up ill deal with it.. We will deal with it and knowing I'm not alone is huge.

See my crazy pills are working... or maybe my brain is just working.. Who knows if i think too hard about it i might explode that's good for no one.

I suppose ill end this post as i started it with the overwhelming knowledge that i love my little family so much and I'm so happy and i love them all sooo much!

-Manda

Early Bird Gets the Worm

I have nothing eventful going on right now. Thank Sweet baby Jesus for that. Also Knock on wood, i literally just did you are welcome.

I'm fairly certain my crazy pills are making me less crazy and this is win because after months of being on some that worked and then made me want to kill myself to some that half worked if i could remember to take both doses to one that didn't work at all lets just say I'm done playing the which pill works for crazy Amanda game. So this is win win.. or something.

I cant complain i have two beautiful kids i get to wake up with kisses every morning and sing to every night. A boyfriend i cant stand to be away from and less stress then Ive had...ever probably. Ive been so used to seeing the bad its almost impossible to focus on the good but if i don't ill miss it and its the kisses in the morning and the singing at night that make it all worth it.

So happy Friday and keep your fingers crossed i get this job i interviewed for yesterday!

-Amanda

Breath

I cried last night and Ive cried a couple times over the last couple months..But i hadn't cried for a reason like this in years and years I swore i never would..not again anyways.

Then i fell in love like so stupidly in love it would make you sick and i know Ive said no matter what its worth it and i was right it is but in that moment you have a fleeting thought to run because the pain is already sinking in and running just seems easier. Its not though we all know that its one hundred times worse especially when you realize what you've ran from and you cant get it back. Ive promised myself I'm not running and i wont so i calmed down i started breathing again which in turn let me think clearly again and i lived and apologized and realized how very very in love i really am and how utterly screwed that makes me. Laugh because that's supposed to be funny. Yeah yeah i know its not this might be though. I also realized how utterly happy i am to be that screwed. Now laugh.

I never thought i was worthy of this kind of love like i had done something so terrible in this life (or my last? like beating baby seals for boots) that it just wasn't an option. But it is and I'm not letting it go...not without one hell of a fight.

I hope you all had a good long weekend.

-Manda

Smile you only live once

I think at this point my immune system threw up its hands and yelled fuck it and went on vacation. I'm left with its aftermath of a sore throat asthma attacks and chills/fever. That bitch better hurry up and get back before i track her down..

Id ask why me but i have this feeling with her on vacation id start having seizures or tourettes or something equally as fun.

Anyways So i realized last night after Mikala Passed out and ayden was still up and i was giving him a shower and he was being super cute how much i miss it just being us sometimes. Don't get me WRONG i love Mikala and Michael more than anything but its only been two months and we are all still adjusting. Just Ayden can be so cute he was drawing me little hearts and smiley faces and talking to me and making the cutest faces and i cherish those little moments where i didn't before they just happened all the time.

Maybe i need to figure out a time that its just me and him or just me and Michael with him i think he has a hard time with it not being just him anymore fighting for attention. Or maybe that's me projecting my own fear onto him i don't know time will tell i suppose. I just know i LOVE him more than life and i cant imagine a world without him!

On that note have a wonderful day!

-Manda

I need sleep

Sometimes i feel like all i do is complain..which i do. That being said, I am tired and emotionally drained and even more tired. Like exhausted.

It was a long weekend slept shivering under the stars Friday night the kids in the car and Saturday night smashed between kids and the boyfriend.

This all might explain why my emotional stability might be faltering a bit im scared and tired and terrified and i just said the same thing twice two different ways. Must be serious? I don't know I just don't want to lose what i have given my past i can say im not entirely to blame for having that ingrained fear. Im not that same person and Michael shouldn't be compared because he is nothing like what i had last time he is...perfect for me. As long as i can hold on and not totally screw everything up i will be just fine.

I am happy. Im tired and happy and scared and more tired. I need a nap and another weekend to lay in bed and recover...am i getting old? Bah

Work is stressful and the full effects haven't even begun yet everyone seems to be on edge which doesn't help im trying to ignore them and so far so good im keeping to myself and as soon as they tell me what i can do ill start until then...ill wait ;)

Anyways ill post soonish.

-Manda

Sick

I think everyone in the house has been sick its like a rotating circle of sickness...I'm going to blame new daycare/First year of big kid school. Nothing eventful has really happened we went for a drive up in the mountains to try and get me out of the valley and the smoke. It was everywhere it didn't matter, Successfully got lost and found our way back i think the total trip was somewhere around 6 hours Other than the traffic at the end it was pretty perfect not that either of us felt wonderful.

Driving always has been a way to just...run without actually running. Getting away and coming back its hard to explain its just really nice. Speaking of running as soon as my lungs feel decent or maybe before they do i need to get my fat butt running again i've been really bad.

I'm so done with work without getting myself into trouble by breaking some confidentiality law all i can say is that shit just got really bad here and it has nothing to do with me only ill be picking up the mess and i need out as quickly as possible. A doctor offered to write me a letter of recommendation without me even asking for it i was actually planning on asking and didn't have to that makes me feel a bit more valuable I've been beat down by the whole job hunt the first time around and now this..its just discouraging i know I'm worth more than I'm getting its just proving it to others.

Sorry nothing fun is going on like the explosion of my life and i hope that never happens again so you will have to deal with my boring blog!

-Amanda

Sick. Mom. Friday

I don't feel well. Im not trying to be a downer or unhappy because im not i just feel like my lungs are collapsing in on me and i really don't want them too! Its Friday...I have two days of no work a head of me and im sick. Suck! i just wanted to spend it with my family maybe ill be better tonight? Here is to hoping maybe if i think it enough it will come true!

Ayden lost his first tooth yesterday at school he was so cute this morning when he told me to open the door and let him in and showed me his gold dollar coin. I just wanted to hold him and never let go.. im being needy probably because i don't feel good. Poor little boy got my extra love this morning and now that i think about it i hope i don't get him sick. Anyways I really cant believe how big he has gotten and how fast! It makes me want another..someday...soon? I guess will see.

Mikala was sick yesterday and we both stayed home with her only i was the only one who didn't work. Not that i really can from home. I didn't want to leave her yesterday, Just like i never want to leave ayden when he is sick i wanted to hold her and make everything all better i hate that i cant. She didn't want me at first which i can understand im not her mom but then she did and this morning called me mom. It doesn't bug me but i don't want it to cause problems with her mom. I love her and i don't want to make things harder for her.

So... Until next time.

-Manda

Do you?

Do you ever feel like you are totally screwing everything up?! I feel like that right now, its probably me being paranoid. Ok not probably it is! I know we are all broken i get that i really really do i just feel like i don't have enough to offer. That even if i try i will never be good enough...does that make sense?

Im not sad today..im just over thinking everything. Habit. I know! grr...

I just want a new job and the drama with ali to be over and i want her to be ok. I feel guilty that shes not ok and i am. Like i should be paying some ultimate price for being so happy.

Sorry so short

-Amanda

:(

I am sad today and I couldn’t tell you exactly why. Maybe that things just keep happening?! Not really im not too worried about those things. That Ali put me in a sad mood after hanging out with her yesterday or things she did or said got to me? Maybe. The fact that I haven’t taken my pills in about a week isn’t helpful. Im exhausted and from what im not sure either.


The only thing I am certain of is that I am sad. I don’t want to be..i don’t have a real reason to be right now I just am. I want to scream and cry and run away and I don’t know. I feel lost. Im not sure lost is even the right way to put it?! Ugh! I have no idea what I am and this is the post pointless post ever.

Ayden and Mikala had a good first day at school, we did homework and got them caught up. That might be a reason im sad?! My Little boy has grown up! I miss just holding him and loving him and him letting me sometimes he still lets me but he’s a boy and he doesn’t want mom anymore. I feel useless. Sigh im going to go before I make myself more sad.



-Manda

Life

I should have blogged when I felt like I needed to most. Now that I didn’t I can’t remember exactly what I wanted to say.


I am tired, frustrated and forever just a bit broken. Not completely like before but just a little bit. My job gave me a written final warning for something beyond stupid the fact that I’ve never been written up anywhere ever..its just frustrating. So I’m on the hunt for a new job and that frightens me we all know how the last adventure of that went. SO I’m playing nice and exactly how they want me to until I can find something new IF I find something new.

On a side note I’ve never felt so loved in my life by anyone and I’ve never loved anyone back so much. I have never felt like I was in anything together that it was both of us rather than just me all the time figuring things out. Sure I was overly obsessive in that I need confirmation all the time that things will be all right and I did get that I just never got the help associated with making it all right and having it work out.

The kids started school today, I am sad I didn’t get to at least take them to their first day but I will be picking them up! Im sad but super excited for them im also a bit worried about ayden and how this all will affect him I hope we don’t have problems like I have had in past daycares kids are mean and horrible little creatures sometimes and ayden doesn’t deserve anymore heart ache. Not that any little kid does I just don’t want him taking crap for his parents choices.

I suppose that is it.

-Amanda

Family?!!

This morning in the shower where i do my best thinking it seems i started thinking about what "we" are..first thought was family then i wondered is that right? Is that really what we are doing here? Yes! in fact we are i have a little family of four. One month ago i was getting used to saying i love you and i still cant stop thinking it or wanting to say it. That's beside the point, I think i don't know my brain is all over the place right now.

Anyways! Family...This is different than anything i have had i know i keep saying that but it is. To actually have someone involved and engaged and wanting the same things and cares about the kids and when they go to bed and wanting to be with them and play and hang out.. Its beyond wonderful and like Ive said things wont always be so great but it will be worth it! SO worth it!

There is clearly no point to this post...that's pretty typical though.

-Manda

PS i have a family!

Broken Brain

My brain is a slightly..Something.

Anyways I couldn't help but thinking ALL day..How in love i am. I know barf, gag, STFU you stupid in love person! i know believe me i seriously know. BUT!! honestly i didnt know what it meant to be this happy...

That being said. I had a mood swing like a giant im going to rip your face off for looking at me wrong mood swing. Yesterday and i think i scared him. Actually i know i did and i feel like a total ass for it... sometimes i cant control them..they come on and i cant reasonably function and it probably doesn't help that i haven't taken my med's in over a week and i am pmsing. Excuses. Im scared im going to fuck this whole thing up..Its everything ive ever wanted and my crazy might just fuck it up. I will try i really will and do everything in my power not to freak out.. often.. but what if that isnt enough??!! Seriously this might make me crazy...well crazier.

Im super beyond happy and im going to enjoy it and if there is a god ill pray every night that i can keep this forever..It still almost feels like a dream.

Anyways.

Goodnight
-Manda

Home

So...

I am moved! Again. Back to West Jordan and i am not sure if its the city or the house but it feels like home this time. The old house.. the one i walked away from.. that didn't feel like home either not in the last few years it just felt like a place i was living one that i knew i would have to leave. The one in Stansbury felt like.. prison in a sense.

Yesterday would have been completely perfect had i not had to move last night.. i actually wasn't planning on it.. I had been moving for over a week we just had to finish the big stuff.

We took a drive up the canyon yesterday and it was beautiful and peaceful and nothing really had to be said..and i wondered a couple times if this was real? because i don't want it to end. I never ever thought anything like this would happen to me that i could be this happy ever. Its not all going to be perfect nothing is but I'm beyond willing to work on it when its not. I just don't want my heart ripped out again i know i keep saying it i keep saying it because i mean it.

I'm a bit stressed between work and trying to get ayden into a school this daycare shuttles too is going to be a chore and bills and life and..I'm happy.

-Amanda

Blah

That is pretty much how i feel add a lot of pain on top of it and that accurately describes me right now.

I pulled weeds on Tuesday it was a utah holiday and i had both kids most of the day once ayden left i just decided to do it.. there were alot of weeds. And i NEVER do things like that so i am either really in love or i was REALLY bored. Will go with the first thing i wasn't bored.

ANYWAYS my point being is that im tired and sore from all of that plus i decided to take the doggy for a run yesterday and he was fantastic as long as there were no people or cars so you can imagine how exactly that went with me running through a residential area. Use your imagination im in no mood to give visuals.

I miss ayden more than anything..Like my heart hurts miss him I want to hug him and hold him and snuggle him and It breaks a little because i know next week ali will miss him but probably more because i have at least had him a few times this week and she wont.. she wont have him but one day a week and it kills me.

I need a nap and now that i have made myself sad and this post makes no sense at all and is all over the place. Which is probably normal im going to try and work now..

TRY

-Amanda

Change.

Everything has gone so fast. So VERY fast and im coping fairly well considering i am who i am. Ayden is having a hard time adjusting a bit..

I cant take anymore change though id really like to just sit back and be happy for awhile before more comes my way. I just want to breath for a minute and enjoy what has happened before we throw anything else into the mix. Sadly life doesn't always play out that way but ill try with all my power to do just that.

Im happy. Very Very happy. Its scary how happy i am..

I feel guilty a bit over it. I dont deserve it. Im not worthy of it but im not going to not enjoy every minute of it.

-Amanda

Friday

Did i do something wrong? Am i doing something wrong?

My rational part of my brain is starting to show back up or rather my over thinking part is. Its not just me who will pay for my mistakes that's a lesson i learned long ago.

I'm not sure if I'm doubting myself. Or just sinking a little bit..its not about any one thing its about everything and i know I'm worrying that I'm over thinking it. Sometimes i cant stop. Sometimes i don't want to.

My dad will be in town tomorrow, I love him i do in that sense that he has made an honest effort in the last few years. But I'm nervous Ive seen him once before and ayden was little and i had a buffer in between us. I will again that includes My boyfriend and my dads Girlfriend it doesn't change the fact that he will want to hug me and tell me he loves me and i love affection don't get me wrong but something is off about it when you haven't been around the person but once in the last 23 years and the 3 before that you don't remember because you were too small. I tell him i have forgiven him but there is a part of me that never will. Who leaves their child? I mean honestly? I was to young  and immature was not a good enough excuse he was 23 when he had me he had three years on my age when i had ayden i didn't run i was terrified but i did it...

I just don't get it. I probably never will.

I'm exhausted, emotionally and physically I'm pretty sure that's why i haven't freaked out i just don't have the energy to sit down and freak out My mental state has taken way to many hits over the last three years that its not letting me take another finally. After all this time.

Ill let you know how everything goes. Eventually.

-Manda

Lucky?!

Lucky i am not, its one of those many things that has eluded me all my life. I take one step forward and five back.

I love Ali i really do i value everything she has given me. That through everything i have realized my strength my weakness my pain. I Have ayden and no matter what i have been through he will always be worth it i would feel and live that pain a million times over just for him.

I'm moving out...Its time its been time and I'm really struggling with the fact that I'm actually doing it. I am happy with where I'm going and i really honestly think its great for both me and ayden. My guilt is coming from the fact that Ali wont be with ayden every day and i didn't plan this i didn't go out searching for it. It just happened and if this works out or not doesn't matter even though i hope beyond hoping it does. She starts a new job at the end of the month where she will be working nights so the only time she would have seen him was taking him to school in the morning and on Sundays. Now she wont get the mornings i will be living to far away and i cant bounce ayden back and forth that much.

My guilt my actually consume me and i feel like it honestly should be more than it actually is. But i know its time i have to do this we knew it would happen but neither of us were planning on this soon. She wont talk to me. That hurts more. After everything we have been through everything i have taken on done and helped her with To just walk away and to push me away and not say anything or talk to me about how our relationship as best friends as ayden's parents is going to be changing it kills me. I feel like Ive done something wrong and maybe i have maybe i deserve this. In fact i probably do but it doesn't matter i still feels awful i still feel awful and i just want to be happy. Is that so much to ask?

-Manda

Smash

I feel like I'm repeatedly banging my head against a metal wall. Metal because its shiny and who honestly doesn't like shiny? That's right not you!

I am happy. I really really am. That being said I'm doing what i do best, worrying about everything all the time things i cant control and things i can. I feel guilty for being happy, for not spending as much time with Ayden as i used too. I feel like a selfish monster but i cant bring myself to stop because part of me knows its wrong and a bigger part of me knows its not.

In other news, The bankruptcy is about done and the next six years will be super fun. Good news is after the first three years i can start paying more to pay off the plan sooner. Will see where i am and what I'm doing in three years and if that's even an option. I'm seriously considering looking for a new job it took me so long to get this one though that Ive kind of lost hope.

Ali starts a new job at the end of the month that will make me a single parent about 85 percent of the time. I'm worried about that i moved so far away from my mom and all my help that i will be alone out in the middle of no where i know i can do it. I'm very capable but it doesn't change the fact that i feel like a complete failure for moving so far away i knew better. Hell i didnt even really want to do it. I don't mind the area and the house is great. I just don't love it and it doesn't feel like home.

Anyways I'm going to get back to work.

-Amanda

Scared.

More like thoroughly terrified at the prospect that im in fact in love again. For the second time in my life. And im beyond scared there is actually no words that describe the actual feeling im having.

I don't feel like running. That almost scares me more because i should be freaking out more right? have that  flight feeling that i usually get over everything.. but im not. Its not happening and i keep racking my brain trying to find it.

Im not crazy, no matter how many people i tell that to. Im really not and i know that. Or at least i keep trying to convince myself of it. IM NOT! ok im really not. But im fucking exhausted from life and the emotional roller coaster and i cant say i wont live through it because i will i know i can i just don't want to. If it happens on its own fine but to let someone in that has the potential to completely break me. Again. Is huge and scary and i over think EVERYTHING.

Im going with it. Ill see where it leads and i honestly hope for the best and expect nothing.

Two in one night.. ill be back in a lets say a month? Unless i explode then will see you sooner!

-Amanda

I have nothing

So...Long time no blog. Imagine that. Its my theme you either hear from me when im happy or sad and i muddle through the middle parts staying silent until i explode.
 
No exploding. Not right this second anyways.

 Whats new.. Hmm... Lets think... Things are new, Ok fine i have a boyfriend and he is probably going to be the only who reads this post. Well him and that one random person from Germany that reads my blog. Seriously Germany?!?!

 Anyways..new.. new.. Nothing really i hate my boss she hates me. Oh wait i did have a total melt down about mid june. That was fun, and slightly entertaining and frightening if you were around to watch it go down.
 I was angry my anti depressants weren't working in fact they were doing the opposite of what they should have been doing which made me that much more bat shit crazy. Good times.

 Ayden is good still causing trouble everywhere he goes. This kid knows exactly how to push my buttons and how far to push me because i don't want to yell and ive been really good not to but in my default of not yelling i just give in and give him what he wants before i freak the fuck out. Yes i am in fact a horrible parent i hope you all feel better about yourselves knowing this. That being said hes pretty much the best child ever i love him more than life and id probably curl up in a ball and give up if it were not for him.

 I filed bankruptcy finally. I go sign the papers this week. Relief and agonizing dread for the next six years. Yes six. It was only supposed to be three, ali lost hours and work and pay and god damnit WHY?! so we extended the time. I have to keep reminding myself why im here, what ive been through and where im going next and it doesnt seem as bad. For at least a few minutes.

 Well your welcome. You might see me soon. Might not. -Amanda

Remind Me

I have been reminded lately of that breath taking fear you have within the first few days of that devastating break up the sheer panic not being able to sleep eat breath. The what the fuck am i going to do now? And having no answers and it not a good time to make decisions because you are in no shape to do so. Don't worry nothing major has happened to me. But it doesn't make it any easier watching friends go through it. Not being able to say the right things or have the right answers for them. Everyone kept telling me it will get better and i wanted to scream at them hit them and scream again because i saw no way that it would ever get better. But it did. It took time yes. A lot of crying. Yes. More heart break. Yes. BUT it did get better its still getting better. I'm finally in place in my life where i want to meet people i want to date but the fear of this ever happening again scares the holy hell out of me because i survived it once i don't have it in me to survive again. At least i don't think so. I am kind of avoiding life right now which i know i shouldn't be because it can have bad effects for not only me but other people in my live. I need to call the lawyer this week i should have don't it last week. But i didn't but i will im just scared this is the last big hurdle i need to over come and im just as afraid now as i ever was before. Anyways If you need me im here and if not then you are welcome to keep reading! -Amanda

Take one

I have drafts saved from months ago. I wanted to just pull one up and post it. They are crap all of them which really isn't much different then my normal posting but i might feel a bit ashamed to post them. Where should i start? I guess with my last post. So I went to the therapist and doctor and told them i might actually explode or implode and in which case i would suck them into my black whole of doom unless they helped me cope a little. They did. And i'm OK. I'm good actually. I'm learning to let go I cant control everything and shit happens and no matter how hard i hold on its still going to fucking explode like holding a grenade? Maybe. I don't know I've never actually done that. Knowing my luck if i did it would blow up just despite me. On a pleasant note We MOVED! we got a great 3 bedroom basement out in the middle of nowhere for a great price that i would have been stupid to pass up. Its not way cheap its just as cheap as the price i was willing to pay in the city for a two bedroom. Plus its with some family so its not stranger danger or anything and ayden seems to love it. It reminds me of my childhood the smells of the lake that in our backyard. Oh did i forget to mention that. LAKE IN BACKYARD! Anyways this means ayden is learning to swim this summer something i should have had him do ages ago. Back to my point if i ever had one, I lived in the city for 17 years so its slightly killing me that i cant just drive to the store there is one store. ONE. And i either A. have to drive into the dinky town 10 miles away and shop in hill billy hell or B. i drive 15 miles into the valley and go shopping there i choose the later and maybe it might just save me money because i wont be running to the store for everything because i literally have to plan this shit out now. Will see. Time will tell. Ali had her birthday ayden got her a cake and flowers. We will file bankruptcy sometime this month once that's done.. i might be able to breath. And THAT'S when my nice bottle of wine is getting popped open and im drinking the whole damn thing! Well..Ill TRY to post sooner this time around but until then. Go google something. it fun really. I enjoy it and if i do then You SHOULD too. -Manda

Weeks. Months. Years.

Last week was a swirling pile of despair lightly sprinkled with paranoia and hate. I'm not even exaggerating. My life seems to suck me in turn me upside down shake violently and then let me fall on my head.

That sick feeling you cant break the shock of something traumatic taking hold and not letting go. Its horrible unbearable and you cant think speak or function in an appropriate manner. I NEVER wanted to feel that again and i did last week. I think im still reeling from it a bit my mind hasn't fully regained function and im running on what little sanity i have left because i don't have an option for a break or a minute or to breath because that same life that kicks me when im down is the only one i have and i have a child to take care of.

Im not allowed weakness and when i am weak i feel nothing but shame and self hate for maybe not being available enough for that little guy that always needs me.

-Manda

Saving Sasha

I never ever ever do things like this if you read my blog you know that.

With that being said im doing this.

My uncles dog was diagnosed with cancer and they are able to get her treatment but cancer treatment in general is expensive Please check out her facebook page Here And or donate at Here Even if you dont please tag it in a tweet post it to your facebook please just pass along the word!

Thank You

-Manda

Boy

They tell you that you are not a parent until you think you’re a bad one and that it’s ok to think that because if you don’t you might actually be a bad one.

It sounds stupid, Its true.

Little boy you are my favorite person in the whole wide world. Even when I’m crying and begging you to take your medicine because holding you down just feels wrong and crossing a line id rather cry and let you know that i care than to show no emotion at all.

I feel like everyday every decision i make might be the wrong one and I’m scared every day that one day you will hate me. That you may never want to be around me again. But i love you. I want you to always know i love you and I’m sure ill eventually screw you up or i already have and im sorry for that. I wish i could be perfect you deserve perfect and I’m just not.

But i love you Please always remember i love you.

It will get better

"hang in there it will get better"

Weve all heard it read it hoped it. But does it? I mean really does it ever just get better and we live contentley or are we moving from one major disater to the next. A few wrong desicions away from losing it all?

I want there to be a happy ending to be in love again to have someone to rely on who loves me back. But im bogged down by the sheer terror that it would never last anyways so it not worth my time. That nagging hateful voice in the back of your head that wants you to be miserable forever.

Do you ever get that sinking feeling?

-Manda

Remember me?

Do you remember me? Because i don't. I cant recall the person i aspired to be the person i thought id be. The person who was going to do something anything with her life.

DO i regret it? It would be a total lie to say no. But not really is acceptable, i don't feel stronger or braver or anything more than i was but im happy knowing i made such a beautiful boy. I have a good job (with the exception of a good boss)i may not have everything i want or need but i have enough and ayden has more than enough.

Worry Wart

I worry and stress and obsess over everything no matter how many times you tell me its ok and how many times i ask the question and get a straight or not so straight answer like let it go answer i don't. To the point im sick and tired and cant sleep and cant eat and cant breath.

I need a Xanax i don't have and i want this whole bankruptcy losing house thing to be over with already but at the same time i don't want to rush it if we cant stay in the house longer for free and i don't want to do anything in the mean time to srew up the bankruptcy.

Someone make it stop.