Thursday

I guess its been a couple days..

I had a pretty bad asthma attack that started mid day Tuesday.. Ok thats a lie i woke up at 4 am that morning not able to breath and ignored it. anyways so it really got to me about noonish Tuesday and didnt stop finally i decided to ask to leave which they let me because apparently my lack of oxygen was apparent on my face go figure. So i went home shaking before i even did a treatment desperately trying not to pass out and did a breathing treatment and half fell asleep for an hour then showered and did another and another.

My sweet boyfriend bought me avengers and picked up the kids and fed them and me and bought me a new iPhone case..im spoiled and i love him and he didn't have to do any of it for me to love him. Plus i think he took the hint after i mentioned for the fourth time that day that avengers came out even through my i cant breath haze... haha. We watched it last night with ali and the kids ayden loved it mikala bounced around it obviously wasn't something she really enjoyed. Maybe one day? i dunno i liked that stuff at her age.

Ali might take both kids tomorrow which I'm bouncing between excited and sad that they would both be gone..

In other news if i could walk out of this job right now i would. But then id feel guilty because the money is easy and all i have to do is sit here for two more days...but i don't wanna. I keep getting projects put on my desk.. i mean really i have a day to do them?! why?! oh well whatever.

Ill update tomorrow.

- Amanda

Kids

I was really happy Friday. Until about mid afternoon when mikala's mom decided she was going to go after Michael and use me to hurt him. I knew there was a reason i couldn't stand her in high school and we only hung out a few times when the kids were babies..

It wasn't what she said about me that hurt because i know none of it was true it was the fact that i realized how very much i love Mikala i knew i loved her i just didn't fully realize until the prospect of me not being able to see her set in. It was like a giant kick to the heart, Made worse by the fact that i have no legal rights to her and I'm not her mom. But i love her and id fight for her until her mom gave in or i died which ever came first.

Her mom seems to be backing down and wants 50/50 and that's fine i can deal with that because like i said I'm not her mom and i cant keep her 100% of the time even though i desperately want too. The kids might drive me nuts every day with their fighting or being completely hyper but i wouldn't trade it for the world.

So.. Ali is being good with ayden even stepping up to help me with an appointment he has tomorrow not that she is going to show up for it but that she will pick him up from me so i don't have to miss more than an hour of work not that i mind missing more from this place but i really need the money and if it were not for that id be long gone.

So ill update more later there are things i could post but right now don't have the time for!

-Amanda

Verdict?!

I got the job! Yeah jump up and down with me!... Yes i might have done exactly that when she offered me the position..Maybe not though?! Whatever no one saw me even if i did. I also received a bit of a raise going to this new place of employment not too much but enough and the pay days are twice a month rather than bi-weekly which will take getting used too.

My soon to be ex boss is a giant fat cow and needs to take a flying leap off a very large cliff. To say i hate her is probably an understatement im not sure how one person can be such a hateful monster and still be living. True story id tell you all the things she did to me but its not worth my time or energy im choosing to be happy to let it go but i hope she lives with it forever.

Ali is coming over again tonight to hang out with ayden and have dinner i am making Tatomess and if you really want to know i will tell you what it is exactly that requires a comment though and trust me its SO good. Anyways Because of this carb overload i will be partaking in i wont be eating today... like at all plus Ive gained a bit of weight which makes me feel like a fat cow. An ugly huge fat cow...It might have something to do with I'm trying to fight getting strep/a cold?! i dunno.

In other news i have fallen in love with this little monster of a kitty she thinks shes a dog and that's perfect because i suspect that i am pawning my kassie love onto her and i love Ruger see picture below but he cant just be snatched up and held. Her name is carrot and her sister is bunny and looks just like her just slightly different Mikala named them but id totally own those names myself so eh..

Rugar and carrot.. see how could you not love that face?! He does make it hard when he runs off and wont come back that's really his only downfall and that hes not so smart but the dumb might make him cuter? I dunno.

I will leave you with the cuteness of our kids! Have a good Thursday!
-Amanda

Nothing

No one reads this blog and for that im mostly grateful, You know unless it was way popular and i could make money off of it and take my children too school everyday..

I stayed home today.. yeah i shouldn't but i did anyways will get to that later. So i dropped ayden off at school and i got there almost right after Mikala got there from daycare and i got to hug them both and watch them walk into school and it was the best feeling ever and i want more of that but that's the price i will forever pay not having an education or you know a decent job. Ok that's a little harsh i have a good job i have a shitty boss and management and at least i have a job so i am thankful for that.

I interviewed last week for a better paying job a better job in general i did great the first interview not so great the second and they checked my references...i still haven't heard from them and im trying to be optimistic but im not sure how much longer i can be.

I got stupid drunk on Saturday which happened to be Mikala's Sixth birthday party. Yes i win bad mom of the year for that one and owe Michael a lot for putting up with me that night and every other after it. Anyways i think that's it for now.. thanks for reading?!

-Amanda

...

I am in a very emotionally vulnerable place right now, My mental state took a hit yesterday and put me in a funk that I'm having a really hard time shaking my brain takes over and i start over thinking and anything you say to me makes me feel like everything really is going to fall apart.

Ill shake it it just sucks while I'm in it. Ayden is with Ali today and i think that's probably for the best because I'm lost and not sure what to say to her and he is good at making us both melt and not fight. I love her and I'm torn because i have no idea what I'm supposed to do next I'm trying to make everything all better and i don't know if i can and i don't want to lose whats mine and I'm so fucking scared. None of this makes sense and i might contemplate going into further detail later but right now its hard enough for me to focus..

Ill post sometime soon.

-Amanda

Tuesday

My insecurities get the best of me sometimes, then again if yours don't id say you are doing something wrong. I have one ex to deal with and well...as odd as that whole situation is its just one. I knew i would have to deal with ex's and i have handled this all pretty well im just insecure about being around the most recent. I feel like I'm somewhere i shouldn't be like she was there first lived in the same house had her kid there just like i have mine.. i don't know its stupid and i know it is and im not dwelling on it but im just putting it out there.

Ive never thought i was anything more than just pretty probably due to the fact that people are always say oh you are so pretty. Thanks. when you say it in that tone it makes me want to smack you and cry. its almost like an insult when people say it as an after thought. Beautiful until the last two months i could count on one hand how many times id been called that. Now i couldn't tell you how many times Michael has told me that. Maybe im starting to believe it? i think i am...It helps the above insecurities. Or rather all of them.

I need my confidence today i have a final interview..with the director of the department Ive been interviewing for and then a meeting with HR and I'm nervous and i need to not be and i probably will be right up until i go in and sit down and start talking because at that point i block it all out. Anyways my point being wish me luck! Also is there anyone out there who even reads this? and if so any questions for me?

-Amanda

Goodmorning

I woke up with two very handsome boys in my bed. (not a slut stop thinking like that perverts!) It was pretty much the best thing ever to wake up too.. Only we were missing mikala.

I have been generally happy with the slight exception of some stress coming via the way of the other parent to ayden. Shes saying she is going to move out of state and i know if she does she wont see ayden and that breaks my heart I'm so tired of fighting and feeding into the latest drama i cant do it. I wont do it my life isn't perfect it never will be but its perfect for me no matter what comes up ill deal with it.. We will deal with it and knowing I'm not alone is huge.

See my crazy pills are working... or maybe my brain is just working.. Who knows if i think too hard about it i might explode that's good for no one.

I suppose ill end this post as i started it with the overwhelming knowledge that i love my little family so much and I'm so happy and i love them all sooo much!

-Manda

Early Bird Gets the Worm

I have nothing eventful going on right now. Thank Sweet baby Jesus for that. Also Knock on wood, i literally just did you are welcome.

I'm fairly certain my crazy pills are making me less crazy and this is win because after months of being on some that worked and then made me want to kill myself to some that half worked if i could remember to take both doses to one that didn't work at all lets just say I'm done playing the which pill works for crazy Amanda game. So this is win win.. or something.

I cant complain i have two beautiful kids i get to wake up with kisses every morning and sing to every night. A boyfriend i cant stand to be away from and less stress then Ive had...ever probably. Ive been so used to seeing the bad its almost impossible to focus on the good but if i don't ill miss it and its the kisses in the morning and the singing at night that make it all worth it.

So happy Friday and keep your fingers crossed i get this job i interviewed for yesterday!

-Amanda

Breath

I cried last night and Ive cried a couple times over the last couple months..But i hadn't cried for a reason like this in years and years I swore i never would..not again anyways.

Then i fell in love like so stupidly in love it would make you sick and i know Ive said no matter what its worth it and i was right it is but in that moment you have a fleeting thought to run because the pain is already sinking in and running just seems easier. Its not though we all know that its one hundred times worse especially when you realize what you've ran from and you cant get it back. Ive promised myself I'm not running and i wont so i calmed down i started breathing again which in turn let me think clearly again and i lived and apologized and realized how very very in love i really am and how utterly screwed that makes me. Laugh because that's supposed to be funny. Yeah yeah i know its not this might be though. I also realized how utterly happy i am to be that screwed. Now laugh.

I never thought i was worthy of this kind of love like i had done something so terrible in this life (or my last? like beating baby seals for boots) that it just wasn't an option. But it is and I'm not letting it go...not without one hell of a fight.

I hope you all had a good long weekend.

-Manda