The end Is Near!

Well hello!

I'd like to first say Happy new year! well in about 5 and a half hours.

I can't say im sorry to see this year go! But in the same breath i kind of am because it just means i am another year older and less accomplished in life then the last year.

I have learned a lot about myself this year and i look forward to a better year ahead. Possibly a skinnier me by my birthday no new years resolution there i have been working on that shit for half a year already!

I started my job last week so far so good really wont start Real work until next week so wish me luck!

So have a safe night and instead of promising yourself something you will regret in a month promise yourself to be just that true to yourself i think that's a great goal and one you should never regret!

Love,
Manda

And The verdict?

Employed!!!!

So serious i have known for almost a week now i have been doing my happy dance since sorry i couldn't let you all bask in my glorious triumph! Muahaha. Also i had to pass a drug test which is not big deal unless you had been sick previously and had taken NyQuil a few nights before and googled if it would screw up your pee test mere hours before you had to take this test and get conflicting answers. Sigh i should know by today if i don't hear anything im having a giant drink tonight but i told both the nurses that were involved that i had taken it so...fingers crossed nothing screws this up because its an actual decent paying job i took a dollar and a little extra pay cut but its alot less then i thought i would have to take!

Im not sure what else to tell you im sleep deprived and ill update tomorrow just so everyone knows that everything went through ok!

Goodnight!

One year and One Month

More then one year actually, I would love to post good news. I REALLY REALLY need good news. I have had a lot of firsts in this last year. I feel like i have grown up and let go of a lot i stopped being the person i felt i should be and am being me.

But i have this nagging fear, and maybe I'm sabotaging myself. Maybe. But i have kind of let go this year saying oh well I'm unemployed what are they going to do take everything away and getting a job would make me responsible again...responsible for bills and things i have yes been paying but not overly stressed about because honestly there is just nothing i have been able to do about it.

So in this last year i have lost and found everything. I wish i had things Like a job and maybe more friends but I'm happy. Even though I'm stressed beyond belief its not the kind of stress my job caused. Its a stress i can deal with and have learned to deal with.

I could tell you about how I'm running out of money at a record pace, my laptop broke this week and by the grace of a very loving human being i was able to purchase a new one on their credit card putting them further in debt which i feel like scum for but its the only way i have been able to apply for jobs. I spend HOURS a day doing just that. I could tell you i was forced out of necessity to go to the food bank last week and i will be doing so again this week. Or that three days before Christmas i will run out of unemployment and i have NO idea what i am going to do.

But i KNOW i don't have to worry about my son because his father is here and he will always be fed and clothed and sheltered. Its just me and my bills me and my problems and i feel like a huge failure. I had tried so hard for so many years i worked so hard and lost everything in two weeks and its been gone a year.

I love my son more then life and i have learned to start loving myself again. Now i just need a job, and to either lose my house or not or file bankruptcy and get a divorce....my life is a mess....

Well it started off decent. sorry. really. sorry.

A thought.

More like an Epiphany? Really..i know me having one who would have thought right?

Anyways i will explain. Last week my mom had a yard sale and in the process of digging crap out of my garage to take over and sale i found my baby pictures. I was actually looking for them. They are the only ones anyone has of me and if something happened to them poof no more baby Manda. So i found them looked through them and took them to my mom to reproduce save and store.

Yeah yeah I'm getting there.

While looking at them you start to think of everything you have been through. Actually i do that quit frequently. I blame my mom. Alot. i blame her a WHOLE lot. I never tell her this i just chose to go around her when i want to. I feel an obligation to her, more of a I'm the parent obligation. I look at my grandparents as just that Parents. When my mother talks to me she asks have you talked to mom and dad. Not have you talked to grandma and grandpa. They raised me until i was 8 or 9 i block that stage out (the whole moving away not the growing up part) and then after that. I raised myself. My mother being who she is doesn't see it that way and never will even if i yelled at her or told her in a nice friendly way she would get upset and attack me. Better left alone.

Anyways yes I'm getting there. Looking at all those pictures made me breath. Made me step back and say she did the best she could. Even if her best isn't what i wanted. Maybe not what i felt i deserved but it shaped me into the strong person i am. And i pray (figure of speech i don't pray the whole god thing and all) that i turn out the way ayden needs me as a mother to be. To be everything my mother wasn't for me.

It's different for me. Mara is around, she is his "father" and i unlike my mother do NOT have to raise him alone. I never will. I hugged my mom for no reason. i sat with her and watched my son play in her backyard. She is a MUCH better Nana then a mother. But i love her. And so does ayden. She taught me things that i needed to make it through...

That being said, I was thinking on the way home from the store alone.. for once. I was thinking about how short life really is. Because I'm odd and think of things i probably shouldn't i realized we as humans never sit down and think about what if i die before Ayden graduates high school? How will he ever learn in that short time how much i loved him and all the life lessons i needed to teach him. Will i see him graduate college? get married? have children? We all just think of the future for them and say well ill be there.

What if I'm not..

Ive decided to write him letters for every stage of his life because i cant predict that ill be here... people die every day, from things you cant imagine. I hope beyond hoping that i get to be there. but if I'm not...i have things i need to tell him. Things he needs to know.

I haven't decided if i will post some of them here or not, i guess if your all interested let me know and i will otherwise ill write them and have my mom put them in that fire resistant tank proof vault she has in her house just in case.

Blog of death.

I kid. Kind of.

Anyways lets see what have i done lately? Spent money, applied for a million jobs interviewed for a couple of said jobs. Eaten food and neglected the treadmill..cough... and i was being so good too!

So have you ever had one of those days where you want to walk up to someone kick them as hard as you can in their chests into a deep never ending dark hole and scream "this is Sparta!!" i have. In fact i have had 3 of those days in the last week. Aside from this visual being extremely funny or at least funny to me. I really do have days like these. Probably the lack of sleep I'm getting. The lack of exercise my body is getting with the reality of my impending doom of STILL not having a job all coupled with a very strong headed almost 4 year old is driving me to insomnia and on the off day to much sleep.

I'm broken. Thats all there is to it!

HALO!!!!

Right I'm a Geek i know! So for those of you that don't know Halo Reach comes out tonight. Yes i will be there. No bells on but i will be there.

I don't play many video games, Not anymore at least mommy hood does that to one. But i do love to play halo. More importantly i like to play halo live and talk shit to random strangers. Funny thing is that most of them add me. Probably because I'm a girl and none of them have been within ten feet of an actual vagina. HA. But its true, i have even gone so far as to tell them I'm five hundred pounds with cankles (I'm far from it even if some days i feel exactly like that) and they still want to be my friend. I am usually drunk or at least buzzed while playing said game which is for even more fun because Amanda's Filter seas-es to exist. Good times. Good Times.

So Anyways now that i have ran 4 miles and i still have Three hours until release i will venture off and cause trouble else where.

This is a point where i will ask you to ask me questions, something you want to know something you don't want to know i don't care but it will help me blog more and keep my mind off my impending doom of having NO job! Love you all.

P.S. I added a little tracker over there ----> that way telling you how many miles i have walked this week or in the last two months motivation is much needed so if you feel like it or don't Send me a message that tells me to get my five hundred pound fat ass up and moving!

Kiss. Kiss.
HAHAHAHA

Love,
Manda

August

I am starting to wonder if i will ever get a job. Its almost been a year and when i tell people this or im in an interview and they hear this they give me that god aweful look. Like today i had a great interview until the very end when she realized how long i have been out of work. My gut tells me that killed it.


I never wanted to be here and i have tried my hardest to get work and decent work at that. maybe ill have to live in a hole or work at mcdonalds for a few months i dont know. Im worth so much more then that and i have alot more experience then that. it be like starting all over like i was fresh out of high school. I have come to far for this. But im tired of the looks and the no call backs. Im tired of the scams out there the temp agencys the hours spent looking for a job.

Im just tired.

Anyone miss me?

The deafening silence answer's for you.

Hello! Hi! how are you!?

I am OK. When you tell people I'm ok, They give you that look you know the one that asks whats really wrong why just ok? At this point i like to walk away because i don't need the question's i am JUST OK! nothing more nothing less.

Random people messaging me on Facebook to ask me questions about my life. People i haven't spoken to in years or ones that i just said in the hall ways of high school. Really people you have NOTHING better to do with your time? Well i do. And yes i just ignored you on facebook go cry and post hate messages about it i thrive on this shit!

Anyways in real news I am STILL unemployed still...sigh at least unemployment extensions came through and i should be paid in the next two days for the last two weeks missed payments. I'm one of the lucky ones people had not received checks in almost two months.

School is at a stalemate they tell me i cant go until spring, i tell them to shove it ill do it my own damn self. Stupid school. If i wanted to be treated like trash i would have registered for the University not the community college.

Also in the last month i have walked my ass off... literally according to a friend well not all the way but its smaller! I'm averaging about 20 miles a week *pause this is where you go umm are you crazy and give me that look* Yes 20 not exaggerating either wish i was my feet Hurt! Its my stress relief and i just wake up cant sleep and get on the treadmill not the best thing to be doing but its better then late night eating. i don't think i have lost weight but then again i haven't weighed.i have lost an inch and a half around my waist wish I'm wondering if its more from my back side but whatever before it was just my calves it was working as long as it keeps going up and hits the belly region soon ill be fine.

So...Its 3:22 in the morning and my son is wide awake and my legs hurt I'm going to finish my last half mile of the morning and try to convince him sleep is not the enemy.

Angry.

Angry is not exactly the right word, more like livid. Not directed at just one person but at a whole government.

I'm not sure anymore that going into political science is my best choice... i love it but i don't see being able to change anything. This country has gone to shit, and alot of people blame the current president since the right is telling them to do so. he is not perfect and he has lost his ability to have balls when it comes to just about anything. But i blame the last four presidents the ones who deregulated everything over spent and blamed it on this poor man.

I blame the congressmen and women the senators and just about every other branch of government out there for sitting on there fat money making asses in seats they should have given up 30 years ago in some cases. I want them all to spend a month or two or hell six in my shoes someone from middle to low class because god knows not one of them has been one of us ever. to be elected you have to be rich and once there you get kick backs mad vacations and a nice salary and great benefits. And they don't care about us because like i said they have never been us, they also don't care because we are required to pay their retirement after they have served. I hope their worthless lives are worth it. I wish they were like the rest of us because if i did the shit they did to my fellow Americans i couldn't sleep at night.

Democrats need to grow a pair, and realize the rights agenda campaign is working they are fooling low class into believe their bull shit and the dems think oh well our people are smart enough to realize. Get your ASSES out there and tell them whats going on because most of your voters are NOT smart enough to understand whats going on and are being bombarded by news,emails and miss information from radio hosts. Get them good educations and there wont be this problem...hell get them educations at all...

I'm so done. I'm so frustrated.I have always showed pride for my country i have always loved it. I have never been less in love with anything in my life.

Happy fourth America. Keep turning a blind eye to your neighbors. Eventually something will give... and I'm afraid it will be something worse then what we are dealing with now.

Maybe i should move to china..at least id have a job.

I am not apologizing again

I am not! Because anyone who reads this NEVER comments so i will NOT say im sorry for NOT posting ever again.

SO there.

The End.

Until next time.

I again Apologize

I apologize for being absent. I don't have much to report as i am still unemployed. Congress wont pass a filing deadline on unemployment extensions and i have only used one no where near what others have received but because i lost my job later then others i don't receive the same benefits.

People say they care they don't because they have no idea what its really like. They say we want to live on unemployment we don't! that's the last thing i want! I just want a job where i can support myself and my child i don't think that is to much to ask. When employers are purposely hiring at lower pay rates even though they can pay what the position is worth that should be punishable as well.

I cant make excuses though i have to get back into school this stupid cycle has to stop. I'm not sure what i have done wrong i have worked full time since i was 15 i made a life for myself and house cars and of course debt i worked hard in each job i had advanced and when the time was right took a better paying job. I guess they want me to have to take food stamps and other government assistance in two weeks when my unemployment runs out.

As the end approaches

So tomorrow is my birthday, As it approaches i become more and more ok with the thought i staying in bed all day covers pulled over my head.

Ill only be 24, to me this feels like the end. I will be 24 with an almost 4 year old newly divorced and jobless. This my friends is the end.

I would like to again say I'm sorry for not posting in awhile nothing of great importance has happened. Me and the Ex are getting a long as per usual, fighting for my house a job and life to continue on a daily basis while trying to occupy my time with meaningless things like baking bread and making clam chowder for the first time which by the way was awesome and i ate my weight in it.

Add that to my end list overweight 24 with an almost 4 year old newly divorced and jobless...that seems more accurate. Anyone out there have questions for me?

Also if you can boycott Arizona for anything i suggest doing so, fine find illegals but there policy only enforces racial profiling and just gives a cop the reason to discriminate like they need more reason.

Anyone out there?

I ask but i know the answer, Sometimes the smallest things make us the happiest. Sometimes its a complete stranger and most times that makes it all the more enjoyable. I know im being cryptic but its my blog i can be!

I had a decent week, even is said week is not yet over. I spent more time then usual with my mother Ayden enjoyed it seeing Nana as she requests to be called. She has started doing Eyelash extensions and was teaching me how to do them i am not nearly as good as her but i got 75 dollar lash extensions for free which is always a good time. Its my first time having them so will see how long they last. It is nice to have a mom that will color,cut and go to the beauty supply with you for free. I have been privileged in that respect i have never really had to pay for things like that and my makeup habit takes up resources that i would have to use for those things, i really need a job to continue this habit.

I applied for FASFA (financial aid for schooling) that's not the technical name but you get the picture, i applied for over 30 jobs last week alone i had one call back one interview and about 30 denial letters back. Discouraging to say the least i have applied this week but nearly as much i honestly know i have been double applying to places but what other options do i have? Maybe i can get help and go to school knowing my luck ill either make to much or to little money that's how it goes for me. But if they can help and i can work part time and go to school that would be great.


Anyways im adventure for making home made pizza is finally on im in the finishing stages ill let you know if i totally bombed!

Long time no blog.

Sorry i have been MIA, not really i doubt anyone really cares but sometimes i really miss telling everyone my business in a fun and entertaining way ha...

Not much has happened other then the fact that i have a job interview on Monday, not that I'm excited about it because it doesn't pay enough to even cover my daycare so even if i got it i couldn't take it. Also I'm doubting ill get it but i cant be such a downer right? wrong i am one so there!

Anyways Ayden is doing great, sometimes i wonder how he got so damn smart.

Also today i made my first loaf of bread, it sucked lol but it wasn't horrible it was edible just a little squishy in the middle. Today for dinner i will tackle making a pizza so wish me luck again... well maybe not i just realized i forgot the sauce and i don't feel like going to the store i know that is premature since its like one in the morning but i can honestly say ill probably be to lazy later to bother.

Well i hope everyone is doing well hope to update soon. maybe with good paying job news.

I suck at life..

Ha Mara i stole that from you. But it's true i do i also blow at blogging because apparently I'm neither interesting of witty enough to accumulate more then five followers. Bah.

So if you lurk and don't fallow i condemn you to hell, not really but ill pretend for the witty part of me sake.

Anyways onto real life... haha *cough* I was supposed to go to the "dunes" this weekend with my mom step dad and step brother at some point a step sister was going to be there to. I feel receiving money from my father is far more important because without said money i wont be able to pay my car payment.. aww to be an unemployed adult forced to take money from your only parent who will give you money. It will also pay for food that is currently in my cupboards that i had to break down and buy. eh.. i don't feel guilty the nonexistence of his presence most of my life makes me have no guilt. I am a sad creature, that being said i do feel bad for making my son miss out on the fun-ness of the dunes. well fun for him anyways i was dreading it and really really didn't want to go. I really dislike the dunes and until my mother met my step dad in all her 40+ years of being in Utah never had gone so i know for a fact she didn't like it either.

Isn't funny how we change for the ones we love? stupid, were all stupid in that respect.

Alright I'm done you can go back to your Internet surfing and shake your head because that's exactly what i just did.

P.S. Just because i dont believe in god dosnt mean i dont celebrate easter since im pretty sure Jesus was a real brown man from the middle east that probably did some really good things or maybe not either way the colors and egg hunting is fun so Happy Easter

I am Tired.

Tired as in sleepy tired, I have not been sleeping well. If i sleep at all that is. I have no idea what is wrong. I didnt sleep for a whole day and then slept for almost twenty four hours. i believe that was general catch up sleep from the whole week since it was four hours one night three the next and maybe six he next..

God help me i need to sleep! I have even taken sleeping pills and nothing!

Realization

Realization that i am now totally alone has set in. Sure i have my family, not that i could stand them much anyways. They are not exactly understanding in issues that i am going through. Or ever for that matter. My mom has never been a mom and my grandma who has been is always so far away and more closed minded then i would care to admit because i love her so much it hurts to realize that her only answer is to go to church and pray.

I only had one person for SO many years that understood this and she was my husband, she was the only constant in my life that didn't judge and didn't give crappy advice. I don't have her anymore and that really sucks. She has her own issues and saying she instead of he has been a real challenge one that i don't quit understand.

Realising its just me now, me and ayden scares me beyond belief i no longer have anyone to go home and say this is whats wrong and im freaking out and have them say it will be ok and mean it because no matter what they intend to be there. I know she didn't love me for years but that support with or without love was still nice because i still loved her. I guess its the alone part that is bugging me.

Alone.

No job, no schooling and one little boy who depends on me for everything and i feel like i have been failing him. I have friends only one who truly knows and the rest are in the dark they say they want to help that they will listen but they honestly dont care. They have there own lives and i dont blame them for that i know what its like. they shouldnt have to be my support. I will have to learn to be my own. Alone.

Goodnight.

So...

I have been increasingly happy the last week or so, Part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop sort of speak. But i think were a little late for that. I am hoping this was the push i needed to finally snap out of it. Moving on is SO hard but so necessary, i am finally dealing with all the things that went wrong.

I knew from the beginning there was no going back no fixing it but totally grasping that takes some time. Nine years is a long time to get over. I have made decisions in my life that i feel are not only best for my son which is the main concern but for me as well.

I love my little boy and he is my main priority along with his mental physical and over all health and i will do everything in my power to keep him healthy in all those areas even if that means no longer having certain friends or relatives for that matter.

Unemployment.

So they finally extended it. which means i can now apply for an extension when my money runs out next week. i guess will see from there if i am approved i pray to god i am. because i really really really need it. I have applied for EVERYthing under the sun! half of it i don't qualify for anyways but i still apply and the other half i never hear anything back...

Its just for frustrating and time consuming. I guess will see if you pray, pray that i get my extension if you don't pray cross your fingers!

Short and sweet

A Big Theme with me.

Is Ignorance, In daily life i know you run across this. I know this for a fact because Half the Human race Is ignorant to the other Half.

People's Stupidity never fails to amaze me. I do mean NEVER. I have heard this said many times by many people that some people shouldn't reproduce, Breed, Procreate Etc. Its true, And i know what and who i am and people can judge me for a ray of different things. The fact that my house isn't clean every day because some days i just don't feel like cleaning it. Because sometimes i get facts wrong. whatever that's fine but i do pride myself of my knowledge of certain subjects.

But those people who complain about their children being sick for months at a time and doing little about it and then being scared that their child might die...These are people i don't understand. I doubt i ever will. I have seen so many stories about children dieing of cancer things that make you cherish the little things because life is so uncertain and to come across someone so Ignorant makes me want to use my gun rights (thank you republicans for fighting for me to be able to have a semi automatic because i honestly never thought i would have use for one in society until now) and cap a bitch. Ha.

My rant is over, lackluster i know. So until next time i heart you all!

Today Or Tomorrow.

So I have yet to decide what i am going to do, without a job and not many options i feel slightly stuck. Also waiting for new on them extending unemployment or not is stressful to say the least the deadline is Sunday and I'm hoping for news but its Thursday and we all know how the government does things.

On another note, My mother and her family went down to see my grandparents in Vegas today for the weekend. Its my grandmothers birthday on Sunday and i refused to go, my mother of course got all butt hurt saying i needed to get out of my funk. Right now my funk has nothing to do with my ending marriage and all to do with not having money or prospects for a job. Also traveling with a 3 year old for 5 hours in a car with an annoying 11 year old step brother then having to spend days with him is not my idea of a relaxing get away. I would love to see my grandparents but the thought of spending it with my nagging mother is another thing.

I talked to my grandma and she just told me they loved me and hoped i got feeling better and things would get better that i would make it out of this. My mom seems to push me like i need to do it now... you heal at your own time and dealing with her on top of what I'm dealing with is not helpful and never has been.

Anyways...I guess that's it.

I am not religious but i like this : “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

I wish i may, I wish i might.

Do the things i long to in life, Getting a family was part of that goal. We all see how that went down the shitter for me. I hope the rest of you have better luck, I really do have my days these last few haven't been good for me i need to get out of the house and see the people i have been meaning to see!

Ayden needs a play date and I'm fairly certain will go over to his babysitters sometime this week even though this week is half way over.

I need a job desperately and one that pays half decent I'm not sure where i will find such a thing. I'm honestly really thinking of doing daycare during the day out of the house and then going to school at night.. why not I'm only almost 2 months behind on my house payment not that they will do anything for another month or so. hopefully. I have never done this so i don't know and it might not even be two months only a month and a half lol. Anyways i guess the point is i only have a few weeks left on unemployment and i pray if nothing else the goverment extends it or i find something great either one would work great for me.

I could use a break...i could use some good in my life and i know i wont get it unless i go out and get it. Well thats all.

I am not generally a mean person.

With the exception of a few who would disagree with that statement. I honestly do believe I'm not mean judgemental or Ignorant by any means. But people piss me off. That said i again will refer to my favorite quote one day ill probably get it tattooed somewhere i kid but maybe not.

"The only thing more expensive then Education is Ignorance." Benjamin Franklin

Smartest man ever, who knows what his wife would say but in terms of not knowing him and knowing about him i stand by my smartest man ever statement.

Anyways i was on face book. The bain of my existence, and a boy i call him a boy because that's how i now see him anyways this boy i went to high school with decides to post something stupid about his first new teacher in college is a transgendered person. everyone picks on his spelling errors and ignores his ignorance. he deletes the post and posts about everyone attaching his spelling and ignoring the problem. what problem? what action would you have us take? i referred him to my favorite quote and asked him if he wanted everyone to attack someone for being themselves why didn't he have the nerve to come out and just say that. Morons.

My mother gave me a very great compliment a month or so ago. I told her i had been asked out and she asked if he was moron and i said no i don't think i could deal with that. And she told me i think your far to liberal and open minded to ever get along with someone like that. she said I'm not being mean i think its a very good thing and i wish i could be more like that. a very contrast compliment to one i received earlier that i was closed minded. I believe i am the very opposite of close minded. I hope to raise my son with the same open minded values to never judge anyone based upon any personal preference.

So im done ranting. have a wonderful evening.

The Holidays

So my holidays were not in general particularly painful. But they were different and i can say i miss my old life. The one i wanted anyways.

Its time to move on i know this you know this my dog definitely knows this since she gets all my excess loving i seem to have in abundance these days. It wont be easy, it never is. My life is one extreme to the next one high to the next low but ill make it. Because I'm bigger then this and no not my ass but ill give you that one and agree with you to boot.

Somehow...sometime the pain will stop and maybe ill be able to look at another man and honestly think maybe him? because i cant right now, I'm not even slightly ready for that i have been with one person and i never wanted to be with anyone else that's a hard habit to break.