Remind Me

I have been reminded lately of that breath taking fear you have within the first few days of that devastating break up the sheer panic not being able to sleep eat breath. The what the fuck am i going to do now? And having no answers and it not a good time to make decisions because you are in no shape to do so. Don't worry nothing major has happened to me. But it doesn't make it any easier watching friends go through it. Not being able to say the right things or have the right answers for them. Everyone kept telling me it will get better and i wanted to scream at them hit them and scream again because i saw no way that it would ever get better. But it did. It took time yes. A lot of crying. Yes. More heart break. Yes. BUT it did get better its still getting better. I'm finally in place in my life where i want to meet people i want to date but the fear of this ever happening again scares the holy hell out of me because i survived it once i don't have it in me to survive again. At least i don't think so. I am kind of avoiding life right now which i know i shouldn't be because it can have bad effects for not only me but other people in my live. I need to call the lawyer this week i should have don't it last week. But i didn't but i will im just scared this is the last big hurdle i need to over come and im just as afraid now as i ever was before. Anyways If you need me im here and if not then you are welcome to keep reading! -Amanda

Take one

I have drafts saved from months ago. I wanted to just pull one up and post it. They are crap all of them which really isn't much different then my normal posting but i might feel a bit ashamed to post them. Where should i start? I guess with my last post. So I went to the therapist and doctor and told them i might actually explode or implode and in which case i would suck them into my black whole of doom unless they helped me cope a little. They did. And i'm OK. I'm good actually. I'm learning to let go I cant control everything and shit happens and no matter how hard i hold on its still going to fucking explode like holding a grenade? Maybe. I don't know I've never actually done that. Knowing my luck if i did it would blow up just despite me. On a pleasant note We MOVED! we got a great 3 bedroom basement out in the middle of nowhere for a great price that i would have been stupid to pass up. Its not way cheap its just as cheap as the price i was willing to pay in the city for a two bedroom. Plus its with some family so its not stranger danger or anything and ayden seems to love it. It reminds me of my childhood the smells of the lake that in our backyard. Oh did i forget to mention that. LAKE IN BACKYARD! Anyways this means ayden is learning to swim this summer something i should have had him do ages ago. Back to my point if i ever had one, I lived in the city for 17 years so its slightly killing me that i cant just drive to the store there is one store. ONE. And i either A. have to drive into the dinky town 10 miles away and shop in hill billy hell or B. i drive 15 miles into the valley and go shopping there i choose the later and maybe it might just save me money because i wont be running to the store for everything because i literally have to plan this shit out now. Will see. Time will tell. Ali had her birthday ayden got her a cake and flowers. We will file bankruptcy sometime this month once that's done.. i might be able to breath. And THAT'S when my nice bottle of wine is getting popped open and im drinking the whole damn thing! Well..Ill TRY to post sooner this time around but until then. Go google something. it fun really. I enjoy it and if i do then You SHOULD too. -Manda