Sweet Kisses on my arm.

My son is the only thing that brings me back to life for brief seconds moments minutes...He took my arm and kissed up and down it. And told me he loved me. The joy i felt in that moment is unmatched to anything else in this world. I picked him up and he giggled and squirmed and i kissed him all over and he kissed my arm again just to get the same reaction out of me. He loves it when were happy together just as i love it.

those moments are worth a million lifetimes...they are priceless. Words do them no justice.

Sad.

One word.

Im pretty sure one word cant sum up the scope of my utterly mockery of a life, but sad fits better then anything else i could possibly come up with.

I feel utter sadness at his relief his joy, his freedom. Because im lost wondering around in a circle that i cant seem to break one that im not sure im capable of breaking. I Could lie to you and tell you im doing better. But that really depends on the day.

Alot of my sadness comes from the fact that im alone in my pain, even in this he cant join me. Because he will never feel the hurt the pain and the life he has taken from me. Not even the life really but the love. The love that was obviously not shared. I cant imagin inflicting this much pain and being able to feel relief over it. but i guess i wouldnt understand because i wasnt stuck in a life I never wanted a life i felt i never put say into.

Believe me i tried, i fought long and hard for this life ever waking moment was to make them happy...it was for them because all i wanted was someone who loved me and family with them.

Thank you

For taking that away from me.

Better Late than never

There are so many things i wish i could say but feel like i can't. I can however tell you that I am getting a divorce. This is probably the saddest and hardest time of my short life. This is not a path i would wish upon anyone i keep thinking its just my luck, sometimes i really believe that. But i know beyond knowing that i would work on it i would go to the ends of the earth to fix this but its not something i can fix.

I can't make someone love me. I cant force him to want to work on it either to give it an actual chance. I do love him i will always love him and knowing that he doesn't love me the same way hurts. I'm in a a lot of pain, a lot of sadness. People keep telling me you are so strong you will get through this your smart it will be OK. I know one day it will be ok i know that. ONE DAY its going to be awhile. Truth is I'm not that strong or brave or smart. I always had David to rely on for moral support. now I'm going to be a single mother trying to support me and my child and i don't want to be the mom working 3 jobs to do that. Selfish and stupid of me but i want to be be able to spend time with my son.

I have to go back to school and i have a real chance right now, the same day all this happened is the same day i lost my job. Good news is i received unemployment for how long I'm not to sure at least another 4 and a half months. after that I'm not sure what ill do... I'm not sure what i want to do.

For those of you that read this I'm sorry for not updating often and I'm sorry my tone has changed i was being upbeat and happy and some days i may have that in me and others i might not. So please bare with me.

Health care...

That's right I am going there, Its about time. I guess i usually have an opinion and now is no different.

Bottom line, Everyone that is a tax paying American citizen should have the unbiased right to health care.

That's it end of story. I could tell you how many times i have gone without not only because growing up i had no health insurance due to a single mother that was self employed but i wont. Or the stories about the massive medical bills while having insurance while working for my insurance company but i wont. Because its pointless, because we all have our stories for why or why not.

But until you have been through it until you have had something desperate happen where you didn't need just a bit of medical care or a time when you went without and had to weigh the options of to go or not to go i don't want to hear it. I don't. We have people dieing in our streets people that work, that have worked hard for years upon years that die because they are untreated. things they should never die from. We are not a third world country this shouldn't be happening.

Everywhere else in the world being a doctor is a humanitarian job, only in America could we make a billion dollar business out of helping people who are sick from the insurance companies to the hospitals and doctors. Only us....

I know right...

It has been awhile i know... shit has gone down and i wish beyond wishing that i could fill you in. But i cant expressing the things going wrong online would only bring undo attention from those i cant afford to have the attention from. does that make sense? Probably not.

Just know its getting better, I'm getting better and this is a journey I'm making for myself and no one else.... at least that's what i keep telling myself.

Late at night..

Child is asleep, mommy has had a few drinks and her brain is working overtime. Funny how that works you drink to unwind and you end up over thinking and getting emotional about everything.

I'm lame i understand that, I'm part mom part tyrant. I'm watching late night MTV i never watch this station i suppose it says something for my inebriated self.

Anyways i think i have a point my point is that were all fucked up and i would really like to hear from everyone and anyone who feels like not such a great mom talk to me let me know whats going on ill listen!

So sorry..

Is there even a place to start? i was doing so good then i up and dissapeared. Im a horrible person i know. get over it i have.

Anyways, lets see another person at work got fired i got put on overtime and training a new person for 4 weeks. also my IT guys at work have been blocking everything so i cant even get on here on my lunch. Asshole i know. i agree. Anyways so yesterday i was told this new person is learning my job he needs to be "an expert" at it and i quote only funny thing? He isn't learning the old girls job or anyone elses. hmm i feel a push coming so now i am in desperate search of a new job which right now we all know blows.

With no education besides high school and my thorough fuck up in not going before i had a child. i don't regret him i regret not going to school to provide better for him. I am not only trying to find a job but i am also trying to look at what i want to do when i grow up? i keep saying that and people keep laughing but its true. i have not a mother loving clue what i want to do. I'm lost and it sucks. anyways any suggestions would be appreciated not that anyone reads this. but there is your update on that.

Jealousy

Jealousy, Is a horrible horrible emotion. One that you always say no I would never be jealous of that. I have to be happy with who I am what I have done etc.

It’s really not true is it? Were jealous by nature that’s what we are. Always wanting what others have. Wishing you had waited a year to buy a house. Point being me. Wishing you had been smarter with you money. Went to school whatever it is you look at a friend a family member and say I want what they have.

Trying to convince yourself that everything you did was right for you isn’t always the easiest thing. Sometimes it hurts more then it helps sometimes you just need to own up to your mistakes. I don’t believe in the everything happens for a reason bull shit. Everything happens because you as a person make a conscious decision or another person makes a decision that affects you.

I’m being a self loathing monster today don’t mine me.

Before i got to bed.

I just have to say that the AD on my site keeps popping up for Trojan. Remember kids have safe sex! and if you look to your left you can pick out a brand that is right for YOU! Oh haha

Cupcake anyone? So i revamped my blog... Let me know what you think an while your at it have a cup cake. On me! Comments? Yeah i'm be coming a comment whore. Also you can fallow me on twitter not that i update often but its a cute link?

Dear Diary?

Haha just kidding, Anyways i have a short story for you. You may smile you may shake your head or you may say why does this bitch blog?

Probably the latter.

Anyways I'm driving my son to his ever lovely ever perfect babysitters (yes Megan i plugged you feel special?) Back to the story I'm driving down a road that is known to be only 25 that generally doesn't stop people from riding your ass even when your doing 30. I got my first ticket ever on this road. Anyways there is a sad looking women pulled over cop behind her lights flashing and i look over and he is typing on his laptop filling out the ticket and eating a donut. I about died i wanted to point and laugh and decided that was probably not my best plan ever but it was hilarious i don't think i have EVER seen that before as my husband put it. It was Epic. He also reminded me that i should have taken a picture?

I'm driving both hands on the wheel like I'm going to take out my phone and take a picture or even pull over and be like officer can you please smile with that donut for me say cheese!

I also happened to make the comment of when she gets her ticket and its sticky from the donutness what she would do? haha think about it. Its funny now laugh!

One more time...

So there is this women at work, she is addicted to prescription pain medication among other things. They have drug tested her but of course cant do anything because she can explain all her pills away.

Anyways we have had cut backs like everyone else me and this women split another girls job that was let go. First of all this girl had a good amount of time to fuck around after she got done for the day. so needless to say its not a full time job. I do a huge amount of the work plus the rest of my normal job and she does her half of the job all day. she has pawned off her other duties on the rest of her department and we have all made this very blatant to her sup and so has she. Her sup's suggestion? do i need to hire someone for that job? NO make stupid do her job!

We have ALL covered for this moron covered her ass when shit is wrong because she is so strung out she cant concentrate for half a second. she purposely went in and found something i had missed and brought it up to my supervisor. mine... im fucking livid im not covering for her dumb ass anymore. i cant believe people like this.

If i did half of what she did i would have been fired long ago but some how she keeps skating by because she has been long time friends with her supervisor. gr... i hate people.

Im proud?

Im pretty sure those two words have never been said to me. Unless. "I'm proud you created such a cute baby." oh thanks mom. Thanks for telling me how pathetic of a job i do at parenting and telling everyone I'm such a great mom. I feel SO special. Thanks family's for saying congrats I'm so PROUD of you David and Amanda for buying your first house at 21...No that's saved for the other cousins and grand kids in the family that bought houses after us. You know why none of you ever come over? really because we don't want you here because nothing we do is good enough! EVER its NEVER good enough for YOU any of you. So fuck you and fuck me too. I'm done.

Oh by the way father in law that will never read this... i have never heard you say once in the 8 years i have loved and been with you and your family say i love you to your son or im proud. He cant remember you saying either of those things either. sad. Your the reason i tell my SON every day im proud of him for the littlest things and i love you ever chance i get and i will NEVER stop.

Be happy?

I suppose you choose your mood. If thats the case i choose a pretty shity one most of the time. Id like to blame others i really dont have anyone to blame but myself.

Not sure if its totally up to me though, i believe our moods are partically determind by those that are around us. If you choose crappy people to be around i suppose thats why your attitude would be crappy. Im really not sure what my excuse is. I think in general im not the nicest person you will meet. Im shy and reserved, for the most part. I dont go out of my way to talk about you badly. I just kind of have a sense of humor you have to get used to, your not sure if im serious or not and half the time im not sure either. hmm...

Lame dont judge.

The Ignorance of others.

Now, Let me start by saying i am by no means in fallible i make mistakes quote things wrong say the wrong shit or miss read on occasion.

The people i have run across over the last year and a half from before the new president was elected are i swear a new kind of stupid. I do mean stupid. The saying of a good lot of Democrats is that The republicans pray on the ignorant and uneducated. i have from personal experience witnessed this. I firmly believe it. There is no honest way around it.

Their lack of knowledge and ability to decipher whats real from fake online is SO astounding i want to cry. They would throw this back in my face though tell me I'm the ignorant one or that i think I'm superior? why i don't have a college degree. i just research things i take the time to read both sides before jumping on one or the other I'm willing to stand up and say as Democrats that was a fucked up policy. in the same instance they are not. They will throw God, abortion and any little piddly trivial thing out there. I'm not saying abortion by any means is but right NOW right here in our economy i don't know about you but the last thing on my mind is abortion laws. Fuck have one don't have one i don't care but please someone help us back on track because were on a slippery slop down and i haven't seen a sign of slowing.

Blaming the president for the pasts mistakes doesn't help. Clinton did some shity things. SO did bush i believe bush's out weighted Clinton's but that's my own person trial just like Clinton's out weight Bush senors and so on...

To blame our deficit on Obama is ridiculous are you blind were you in a shelter for the last 8 years? did you honestly think bush did a good job? astoundingly most of these freaks say yes. i just don't understand maybe its because I'm on the other side... maybe you will say I'm ignorant i just don't get it.

Venting.

God?

So I posted my devil child story On another site i frequent. The first comment i got was someone telling me not to call my child the devil. That in doing so i was bringing some harm to him. first off I'm not at all religious, and I'm leaning more and more toward the option that there is no god. But to say me referring to my troublesome child and the "Devil child" Is somehow hurting him and makes me a bad mother is ridiculous. Who says that? I called her weak minded and unintelligent because she believes in god low blow i know. Probably not one of my finer moments.

Devil child.

So we are at my mom's tonight, my child is throwing tantrum after tantrum and throwing litteral things at me and other people i put him in time out AGAIN and my mom is laughing... laughing at me and told me pay back is a bitch. Yes mother i know.

On my way home im driving husband is trying to calm the devil down in his car seat and when he is finally quit i have one had on the wheel on in my hair and i want to pull it out.

"He is driving me nuts." i exclaim probably to much drama in my tone my husband groans at me.
"you just let him get to you." he mutters

"no you dont understand i want to scream, pull my hair out and shit somewhere random." I said very very seriously i didnt think about it i just said it he is wide eyed at me.

"shit somewhere random?" he asks and it falls apart were both in tears from laughing so hard. demon child tells me be quit mom stop saying bad words! God bless my little devil child.

I have to add..

I just have to inform you, wearing two bras and a tight shirt, not my smartest move. If my boobs get any bigger Along with my ass, as i feed my face a donut I'm going to mc'splode all over my cubicle.

The joys of being a women. With real HUGE boobs, a not enough sleep hangover and a donut in her hand. mmm donut.

So i told my husband about the two bras.

"so i left the house with two bras on."

"epic."

Pretty sure i was stunned epic? I haven't heard that used in a LONG time.

"epic fail or win?"

"Both. Fail cause you didn't mean to and win cause you did it."

God bless my husband for making be laugh at myself. I'm Epic...

My Little man.

Don't they say some of the greatest joys in life are the little things? or some shit like that?

Its true, through all the crappy and lame ass statements people make about it the underlying messages are true.

Nothing makes your heart melt quit like your own child, grinning at you like a fool with cheese smashed all over his face eyes wide and telling you a story you half understand with such enthusiasm if you bottled it you could power the world.

Memorizing his little movements the way his eyes get big and when you ask him "really" his eyes get bigger if at all possible and he makes the goofiest face and nodes and says "yes mama reewly" love it. Nothing better in the world.

What did i do before i had him?

If any of you know please tell me because honestly i cant remember!

Hopeing for a life boat.

Since i cant quit explain everything that has gone wrong in my life, im not going to even try really. Im just going to say i need that life boat now the one that picks you up and takes you far far away. I understand everyone is hurting right now. i get that. I am too. But when will it be my turn? hello alittle help here?

Suger coating my life or problems is not something i feel comfortable doing online, its the one place i dont have too. On the other hand im sorry all i write about is the bad. Probably why no one reads it. Whatever suck it.

Self Destruction.

I am a big fat whiner i know, i generally am a BIG worrier. Its my nature who i am, I have no excuse for it and i probably shouldn't do it. But i do. Anyways we had extra money which we spent and spent a lot of it we did... i have nothing to show for it and now out of my stupidity by letting us spend this money were short this month by a lot and my car registration is due next month. My overtime was cut in January and pay scaled back i have no room for error and no where to make it up. i know I'm not alone and i also know its my own stupid fault that doesn't stop the panic attack i feel coming on. we were behind so long i guess when we got this money it was nice to have breathing room again and i just didn't calculate...I am a huge failure to myself and my family. and for the first time in my life i have been late on my car payment... twice... I'm not sure what to do how to make it right i have tried getting a second job to make up money... i have applied everywhere and no one has called back.... I know I'm bitching and no one will ever read this and i honestly KNOW i made a mistake i just don't know how I'm going to make it better this time... I'm lucky to have 20 left every month we used to have 5 to 6 hundred.

God what do i do?

Not Normal

Doesn't everyone want normal? But what is normal? Stupid question because everyone asks it stupidly common. Ugh life Has a way of kicking you in the balls when your down and foaming at the mouth, metaphorically speaking that is. I am so tired of being stressed and worried and heart broken and FAT and annoyed and tired and utterly indifferent that i could scream. Probably wouldn't help I'm like that fat kid in the back of the class that gets no attention and continue to feed my face. I know I'm stupid and not making any sense but like i give a shit. Everyone says oh I'm ready for change fuck change i want normal i want to get up and be happy and go to bed and be happy and somewhere in the middle feel loved...is that really so much to ask for? apparently.

Total Unease

Im ready to rip my hair out and rip my clothes off and run around naked....is that normal? hmm.... I really didnt think so. I would LIKE to ask the dreaded question but i wont. I know for a fact that it can get SO much worse then it already is but that dosnt help the situation now. I guess ill post later.

I never wanted to be THAT girl...

I never pictured myself here, where i am at right now. NEVER i never wanted to be her the girl who had a baby with her high school sweet heart her only REAL boyfriend, got married and bought a house. I had goals dreams and ambitions like everyone else but being a responsible person seemed to be what took over. I am proud of myself even if no one else is, I'm proud of the women and mother i am, i was stupid and i continue to make stupid decision buts whats done is done and i cant undo it and i never would. i wish i could have been more for my son i never wanted to be this girl but i am and I'm doing the best with it i know how. i wish i had more in me had taken a different path to him so i could have given him more as a mother. a mothers regret i suppose

Frightfully boring

Yes i posted twice within minutes shut up no one reads you anyways! i have decided i am about the worst writer in the world yet i insist on continuing my futile attempts. big words i know but i like them. anyways i write because my brain will NEVER shut up if don't i get these weird ideas and i write. i write about stupid stuff, and i enjoy it only i tend to get bored about oh 15 pages in and that's where it usually ends. humph... i give up i have nothing of substance to say and i am rambling for the pure joy of seeing my own words typed bah!

Body of lies....

Really is there any truth to anything anyone says? does that make sense? probably not. sometimes i evny those around me until i find out the sad truth that is their lives. that sad truth that they are no more happy then me no more sucessful no more regretful. Envy is a hateful and painful thing. sigh.

Slightly annoyed....

I am slightly annoyed with people, i might just be having a bad day. scratch that bad last two months. GR! I'm tired of going to work wondering if today will be my last day... I'm tired of waiting behind stupid people with annoying children while they try to decide what to eat. get them something you know what they like unless you really are that out of touch with your children. I have a child to i don't let mine run around like a monkey on acid in public places! please really people grow some balls and tell your child NO for gods sake! I'm done. For now.