Death

I wish I knew where to start or what to say. Other then I'm lost and feel so alone I have shut down and feel as only if I'm a shell of a person I used to know. 

I was pregnant I was 14 weeks and I had already been through so much with that little pregnancy that we finally thought things were good they told us she was gone. I've never been through anything like this. Michael keeps telling me to focus on what we have how great things are. But are they? We have debt and job not being secure and court for his son still and all I wanted was our baby one we shared. I know we can try again soon as soon as my body recovers and decides to give me a period again. But I'm terrified and broken and not me and I don't know how to be. I went back to work today I lasted two hours. I'm sick ontop of everything the worlds sick joke of poking at someone who has already lost so much. 

I'm stupid and faulted and I need to snap out of it and I don't know how. I don't know where to start it keep going. 

Sinking

That sinking feeling creeps in when i least expect it to. But these days i don't feel as helpless as i used to. Its not as all consuming as it was before.

Today we got the back child support order 11 thousand dollars... insert pukey face here... Anyways i feel like im digging out of a hole i didn't help create i just got myself out of my own and i know bankruptcy is not always the answer and i feel better about this situation but i am marrying into it. In just 30 days i will marry the man i love more than anything and also his debt yes i have a bankruptcy and yes i will be paying it back for the next two and a half years and that and me and ayden are a lot to deal with so i feel like i can take this on.. because i know either way we together will make the best choices possible for our family to ensure we all have what we need and even sometimes what we want.

Where did that girl go? the one screaming and sinking... you remember her right? because i do... i sometimes still get glimpses of her sometimes she shows her very ugly face and by default makes me just as ugly as her despair is. Michael hates her i bet he would say that there isnt any part of me he hates but he does...how could you not hate her even i do at times.. i cant always hate her she got me through some horrible shit. or maybe that was me... either way i feel bad that he has to deal with it with that part of me but he doesn't see how far i have come only my mom and step dad, my dad and ali know just how far i have come how far away from her i have been able to break away and that in a very large part was due to him due to the things he gave me by just loving me and letting me in his life. By showing me that i didnt have to be alone.

I am so very excited to get married and so very nervous at the same time.

-Amanda

Remember

I am feeling very…nostalgic today?

Saying goodbye this morning and the love and cute little smiles makes me go back and remember all the cute little things sometimes you take for granted I would like to think that in this relationship at this point I haven’t taken them for granted that often. I just want to smile like a moron…Remembering the first time he held me and waking up in his arms and I haven’t left them…im so very blessed in so many ways.

I am me though and there are those things like money the pesky things that are nagging at me this month but the money that we spent had to be we didn’t blow it. This month is going to be tight and we have easter ontop of it and new daycare charges and waiting for something to happen in court with Damien… regardless I am truly happy. So so so happy.

-Manda

Life

Where do I even begin? The beginning? The end in the middle?

I haven’t really talked about it here at all I don’t believe…

Michael has a son who up until two days ago lived with his mother in Idaho where she took off to after she got pregnant. Sometimes Michael… sometimes I wonder. ;)

Anyways he was able to finally get an address on her a few years ago and went after her for custody hoping that if he went for full custody that they would meet in the middle somewhere so he could have a relationship with his son. She’s not dumb I don’t think but I believe she was taking bad advice from her mother who was telling her that if court proceedings were not in their state that ours couldn’t do anything. Well when you don’t show up to court you default… she defaulted and Michael was awarded Custody of his son on the 13th of this month we talked and talked and went back and forth and even asked the lawyer about possibly letting him stay with his mom but have full custody and use it to our advantage just so we didn’t have to rip him away but we couldn’t it wouldn’t do us any good in the long run and might actually hurt us. So we planned and we drove from Utah to Idaho Friday night and we talked and talked and tried to plan and both felt guilty and then finally we got him and we called the cops and we let them know before and after and we stopped to talk to the cops as she was saying we were kidnapping him we weren’t we had a court order signed.

Her mother called Michael to snap at him and tell him he was going to be arrested because it didn’t matter that we had a Utah order he is an Idaho resident…well she was wrong. And we got home without a problem and now we wait….

We wait for him to have a mini melt down when he realizes that he isn’t going to see his mom for awhile unless she comes down and makes that effort. Wait for her to make a move in court…or not but in 60 days its permanent..

Sometimes I wonder... Life doesn’t seem to give you a break or much down time but where I am at what I am doing I wouldn’t change it for the world.

-Amanda.

Ps this was written a couple days ago

Sad face

I’m sad and I can’t pin point a reason why possible hormones, possible tiredness. I am getting married in what 63 days? I have a dress a place food is underway and nothing else I need alterations invitations my centerpieces are figured out just not what exactly im going to put them in table cloths a cake a dress for mikala a suit for ayden and Michael and Damien possibly and im not necessarily stressed it will get done one way or another or not… eh it will.. anyways still sad back to that little tid bit no idea why i was ok last night a little sad that boyfriend got stuck at work late but dinner and the rest of the night was perfect.

Maybe it’s just a bad day? Woke up late had to run out of the house and I changed my schedule so I would have more time with the kids and Michael in the morning.. blah it’s just a blah day.


The picture is because it makes me smile.

-Amanda.

I don't know.

I feel like I need to write probably for my own sanity possibly my families as well I can feel myself slipping. Everything seems to be hitting at once and as prepared as I thought I was for it.. I haven’t been through anything like this in my life. He knows or he at least acknowledges he knows that everything I am taking on is really a lot for anyone to take on not that ali isn’t my form of baggage. But spending thousands of dollars and fighting in a custody battle is a bit different then dealing with an ali. It’s overwhelming and heart breaking at times and sometimes I just don’t know what to say or do and I have had the thought to run before but that was awhile back and I can’t imagine ever doing that…I hope the thought never crosses my mind again in all honesty.

I worry what this whole process might do to the kids we have at home what it might take from them. But I also wonder if we don’t do it what Damien will think when he gets older because I would never want him to say well my dad didn’t fight for me he was too involved with his current family to care because that’s not true. Bottom line is that this is going to be long and drawn out and painful for everyone involved and im hoping to spare the kids most of that. I know we are doing the right thing just I wish some days I didn’t have to think about it but it’s always there…in the background glaring at us.

I am happy so very happy and I know how amazing my life really is right now how bright the future really looks I just get weighed down sometimes…if you have read my blog you know that is a reality.. a hard habit to break…

Anyways ill post soonish
-Amanda