I make no sense.

Remember that fish tank i mentioned a few days ago? Its feeling a little Murky. A muddled mess of crap.

Im not trying to be a downer. Maybe i am. Really though i don't feel like im trying to be this way.

With Santa Claus on his way in less than 24 hours i should be happy and excited and i was until i woke up at 3 am and couldn't get back to sleep. I think im broken a shattered fragment of who i used to be. I wanted all these things in life it feels like decades ago rather than just a couple years. I don't want them anymore. Sure a part of me wants to be loved again a shared responsibility for things like grocery's gas etc. But the other bigger part of me knows it wont happen because nothing will ever be the same.

Lets be honest no matter how my life went down in the last two years i was going to change. It happens we all do it,were fickle creatures. Some of us just make it out with a bit more help.

Id like to think im strong that im dealing with this whole mess in a positive way and i know i am trying my best. Its just to the point in my life of thinking "what are people going to think now?" what kind of shit am i going to put up with from family or friends this time regarding my decisions i feel like im under a microscope. My situation is not normal and its not honestly all that common so don't tell me it is your bullshitting yourself not me.

I have a five year old and have been single for 2 years now and still living with my ex who is transgendered. No im not a lesbian. No i don't have a fetish. NO you cant meet her unless i like you. No im not an idiot. No im not desperate. NO i don't like you so shut up! Seriously. I didn't have to brunt this i really really didn't i could have chosen to walk away long ago leaving her to her devices. Leaving her to struggle and deal with this alone. But to get shit from my family for her life is not what i envisioned im not messed up im just helping a friend out so she can be the best parent she can to OUR child.

-Manda

No Point.

I don't know why i think the things i do. For example driving home my mind suddenly goes too what if i die right now? what then? Will my son remember me? Will my life matter? the answer to the latter is no. I feel like a fish in a fish tank aimlessly swimming from side to side.

As i sit here and do yet another breathing treatment because this god forsaken valley cant get a decent snow storm and the scum in the atmosphere has settled over my house successfully making my lungs decompress and ache and literally want to stop working. I wonder mostly in my head just what the hell im doing with my life?

I pretty much have no point to this post..

Ok maybe i do.

I am LOST.

-Manda

Why i have an Ali Not a Daddy

You are five years old you throw temper tantrums that bring the world to a complete halt. When explaining things you love to use the word actually with a cute little accent on it. You are smart and special and so very loved.

When you asked me. No told me it was your fault that you don’t have a daddy that all ali had to do was cut her hair and be your daddy I couldn’t think of anything to do but cry. It’s not your fault it’s never your fault and you just don’t understand that. Ali held you and told you how loved you are and that this our lives none of it is in any way your fault i cried some more.

My choices, My life has brought this upon you. I want nothing more than for you to have a daddy i love you so much id give you the world. But there is nothing wrong with having a mom and an ali. People may not understand it like it or want to be around it but it’s ok. Other people have two daddy's and two mommy's no family is perfect. All i wanted for you my whole life was perfect. That’s all i ever wanted.

I love you sweet boy i love you SO much.

In the End.

I have recently encountered a blog that changed my perspective on the things i can share.. The things id really like to share and the things people will probably condemn me for sharing.

I wish i could go back in time and break down the days what they felt like for you after my life literally imploded and i couldn't breath, eat, sleep, think.

I feel stronger now i feel like a person i never knew i had in me took over. But in those days weeks months after i was a shell and some days i still am.

Life is a bitch and to find out after 9 years with someone they are not at all who you thought they were who you loved who you imagined spending the rest of your life with it sucks. Its hard and i was bitter and angry and a bitch. I cried for a life i had lost and stood stale mate facing what to do next where to go next how to breath again.

I know its not easy and the websites out there the people you can talk to about this "sensitive" topic generally turn to hate they use that to move forward to cut their children off from their other parent to hurt them as deeply as they have been hurt. And its not right. Its not right for you its not right for your child and its not right for the person at the other end finally being honest with you i cant imagine going through the things these individuals do just to be themselves if they had a choice i know they wouldn't choose this life.

Why make things that much harder on you and them and really the children you may have in the mix life is difficult enough you are the adult suck it up butter cup pick yourself up and realize the only thing you are doing is destroying you and your self worth and your child's future.

Leave god out of it.

-Manda

You are welcome for the rant..i think i might start blogging more.

Politics

I am usually very involved politically its just something i do. Im not this go around probably because we have a year left until the next election. I know who i am voting for i wont vote republican not just because i find pretty much everything wrong with their views but because the candidates they are putting out are nothing short of bat shit crazy. Its almost like they don't want to win. I understand the plight of occupy wall street i have been there i am there i am the 99% and im watching my sons future vanish every hope and dream i have for him fly out the door because of greed and selfishness. Id be out there myself but i still need to feed my son. I didn't start school back up i still don't know what i want to be when i grow up and it almost feels futile at this point. I have no real direction as of late. I'm happy. But im sad i feel like im drowning in a world i no longer recognize a world im not sure i have a desire to be a part of anymore and that's not saying id ever do anything to myself not in that sense am not at all saying i want to die its just not a good time in our history. I wish beyond wishing i could make a difference i want to change things i want to help but im one person with no voice. /Manda

HELLO

Well, well well. Its been a very long time! i survived my first semester of school and promptly took two off ill start again in the fall...

Oh! work is good. still waiting to lose the house going to see a lawyer soon and Ayden started pre-K hes being a big pain in the butt but i love him!

Ali.. My ex shes looking amazing and im so proud of her for becoming more social and just thriving in her new role in life! I can honestly say shes beautiful.

So anything else you might like to know just ask ill respond.. i promise.

Manda

Well. Hello again.

I am not really sure what to tell you? Nothing has been going on school and work and a small child running my life. I don't have time for much else.

I do really enjoy my job i just wish i made more money and the commute wasn't as shitty as it actually is. It took me 2 hours to get home yesterday granted it was a huge snow storm but still i live across the valley not however many miles away two hours is hell i could get part way to Vegas and by the time i was done i was wishing for Vegas a huge drink and warm weather. aww... Vegas. Anyways i have no news on the house. will we keep it wont we..whatever i give up. Good god i need a life.

- Manda

Im starting to wonder if i really only post.

To see myself type. Since there is apparently no no one else who reads it.

That being said. Hello! School has started and im already freaking out one week into it that i wont be able to pass.. Even though i was re-evaluated five days after i started and had already completed 30% of the class and it said i only have about 6.2 weeks left of learning... i have until the end of April. But that's just one class the other the teacher is being an idiot and still have no idea when anything is due so i assume i just start reading the two books i have one online and one i paid for from a former student because the bookstore was stocked with morons helping me and had me buy the wrong thing. I'm hoping this second class will be easy since its and introduction into Microsoft office 2007 and i have been messing with office since i was a wee one. Yes i did just say that.

Work is good i feel like i'm doing pretty good so there is that! Anyways i am bored of this so goodnight!