Saturday, December 24, 2011

I make no sense.

Remember that fish tank i mentioned a few days ago? Its feeling a little Murky. A muddled mess of crap.

Im not trying to be a downer. Maybe i am. Really though i don't feel like im trying to be this way.

With Santa Claus on his way in less than 24 hours i should be happy and excited and i was until i woke up at 3 am and couldn't get back to sleep. I think im broken a shattered fragment of who i used to be. I wanted all these things in life it feels like decades ago rather than just a couple years. I don't want them anymore. Sure a part of me wants to be loved again a shared responsibility for things like grocery's gas etc. But the other bigger part of me knows it wont happen because nothing will ever be the same.

Lets be honest no matter how my life went down in the last two years i was going to change. It happens we all do it,were fickle creatures. Some of us just make it out with a bit more help.

Id like to think im strong that im dealing with this whole mess in a positive way and i know i am trying my best. Its just to the point in my life of thinking "what are people going to think now?" what kind of shit am i going to put up with from family or friends this time regarding my decisions i feel like im under a microscope. My situation is not normal and its not honestly all that common so don't tell me it is your bullshitting yourself not me.

I have a five year old and have been single for 2 years now and still living with my ex who is transgendered. No im not a lesbian. No i don't have a fetish. NO you cant meet her unless i like you. No im not an idiot. No im not desperate. NO i don't like you so shut up! Seriously. I didn't have to brunt this i really really didn't i could have chosen to walk away long ago leaving her to her devices. Leaving her to struggle and deal with this alone. But to get shit from my family for her life is not what i envisioned im not messed up im just helping a friend out so she can be the best parent she can to OUR child.

-Manda

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