Tuesday, November 16, 2010

One year and One Month

More then one year actually, I would love to post good news. I REALLY REALLY need good news. I have had a lot of firsts in this last year. I feel like i have grown up and let go of a lot i stopped being the person i felt i should be and am being me.

But i have this nagging fear, and maybe I'm sabotaging myself. Maybe. But i have kind of let go this year saying oh well I'm unemployed what are they going to do take everything away and getting a job would make me responsible again...responsible for bills and things i have yes been paying but not overly stressed about because honestly there is just nothing i have been able to do about it.

So in this last year i have lost and found everything. I wish i had things Like a job and maybe more friends but I'm happy. Even though I'm stressed beyond belief its not the kind of stress my job caused. Its a stress i can deal with and have learned to deal with.

I could tell you about how I'm running out of money at a record pace, my laptop broke this week and by the grace of a very loving human being i was able to purchase a new one on their credit card putting them further in debt which i feel like scum for but its the only way i have been able to apply for jobs. I spend HOURS a day doing just that. I could tell you i was forced out of necessity to go to the food bank last week and i will be doing so again this week. Or that three days before Christmas i will run out of unemployment and i have NO idea what i am going to do.

But i KNOW i don't have to worry about my son because his father is here and he will always be fed and clothed and sheltered. Its just me and my bills me and my problems and i feel like a huge failure. I had tried so hard for so many years i worked so hard and lost everything in two weeks and its been gone a year.

I love my son more then life and i have learned to start loving myself again. Now i just need a job, and to either lose my house or not or file bankruptcy and get a divorce....my life is a mess....

Well it started off decent. sorry. really. sorry.

No comments: