Smash

I feel like I'm repeatedly banging my head against a metal wall. Metal because its shiny and who honestly doesn't like shiny? That's right not you!

I am happy. I really really am. That being said I'm doing what i do best, worrying about everything all the time things i cant control and things i can. I feel guilty for being happy, for not spending as much time with Ayden as i used too. I feel like a selfish monster but i cant bring myself to stop because part of me knows its wrong and a bigger part of me knows its not.

In other news, The bankruptcy is about done and the next six years will be super fun. Good news is after the first three years i can start paying more to pay off the plan sooner. Will see where i am and what I'm doing in three years and if that's even an option. I'm seriously considering looking for a new job it took me so long to get this one though that Ive kind of lost hope.

Ali starts a new job at the end of the month that will make me a single parent about 85 percent of the time. I'm worried about that i moved so far away from my mom and all my help that i will be alone out in the middle of no where i know i can do it. I'm very capable but it doesn't change the fact that i feel like a complete failure for moving so far away i knew better. Hell i didnt even really want to do it. I don't mind the area and the house is great. I just don't love it and it doesn't feel like home.

Anyways I'm going to get back to work.

-Amanda