Friday, July 20, 2012

Friday

Did i do something wrong? Am i doing something wrong?

My rational part of my brain is starting to show back up or rather my over thinking part is. Its not just me who will pay for my mistakes that's a lesson i learned long ago.

I'm not sure if I'm doubting myself. Or just sinking a little bit..its not about any one thing its about everything and i know I'm worrying that I'm over thinking it. Sometimes i cant stop. Sometimes i don't want to.

My dad will be in town tomorrow, I love him i do in that sense that he has made an honest effort in the last few years. But I'm nervous Ive seen him once before and ayden was little and i had a buffer in between us. I will again that includes My boyfriend and my dads Girlfriend it doesn't change the fact that he will want to hug me and tell me he loves me and i love affection don't get me wrong but something is off about it when you haven't been around the person but once in the last 23 years and the 3 before that you don't remember because you were too small. I tell him i have forgiven him but there is a part of me that never will. Who leaves their child? I mean honestly? I was to young  and immature was not a good enough excuse he was 23 when he had me he had three years on my age when i had ayden i didn't run i was terrified but i did it...

I just don't get it. I probably never will.

I'm exhausted, emotionally and physically I'm pretty sure that's why i haven't freaked out i just don't have the energy to sit down and freak out My mental state has taken way to many hits over the last three years that its not letting me take another finally. After all this time.

Ill let you know how everything goes. Eventually.

-Manda

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