Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Lucky?!

Lucky i am not, its one of those many things that has eluded me all my life. I take one step forward and five back.

I love Ali i really do i value everything she has given me. That through everything i have realized my strength my weakness my pain. I Have ayden and no matter what i have been through he will always be worth it i would feel and live that pain a million times over just for him.

I'm moving out...Its time its been time and I'm really struggling with the fact that I'm actually doing it. I am happy with where I'm going and i really honestly think its great for both me and ayden. My guilt is coming from the fact that Ali wont be with ayden every day and i didn't plan this i didn't go out searching for it. It just happened and if this works out or not doesn't matter even though i hope beyond hoping it does. She starts a new job at the end of the month where she will be working nights so the only time she would have seen him was taking him to school in the morning and on Sundays. Now she wont get the mornings i will be living to far away and i cant bounce ayden back and forth that much.

My guilt my actually consume me and i feel like it honestly should be more than it actually is. But i know its time i have to do this we knew it would happen but neither of us were planning on this soon. She wont talk to me. That hurts more. After everything we have been through everything i have taken on done and helped her with To just walk away and to push me away and not say anything or talk to me about how our relationship as best friends as ayden's parents is going to be changing it kills me. I feel like Ive done something wrong and maybe i have maybe i deserve this. In fact i probably do but it doesn't matter i still feels awful i still feel awful and i just want to be happy. Is that so much to ask?

-Manda

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