Smile you only live once

I think at this point my immune system threw up its hands and yelled fuck it and went on vacation. I'm left with its aftermath of a sore throat asthma attacks and chills/fever. That bitch better hurry up and get back before i track her down..

Id ask why me but i have this feeling with her on vacation id start having seizures or tourettes or something equally as fun.

Anyways So i realized last night after Mikala Passed out and ayden was still up and i was giving him a shower and he was being super cute how much i miss it just being us sometimes. Don't get me WRONG i love Mikala and Michael more than anything but its only been two months and we are all still adjusting. Just Ayden can be so cute he was drawing me little hearts and smiley faces and talking to me and making the cutest faces and i cherish those little moments where i didn't before they just happened all the time.

Maybe i need to figure out a time that its just me and him or just me and Michael with him i think he has a hard time with it not being just him anymore fighting for attention. Or maybe that's me projecting my own fear onto him i don't know time will tell i suppose. I just know i LOVE him more than life and i cant imagine a world without him!

On that note have a wonderful day!

-Manda

I need sleep

Sometimes i feel like all i do is complain..which i do. That being said, I am tired and emotionally drained and even more tired. Like exhausted.

It was a long weekend slept shivering under the stars Friday night the kids in the car and Saturday night smashed between kids and the boyfriend.

This all might explain why my emotional stability might be faltering a bit im scared and tired and terrified and i just said the same thing twice two different ways. Must be serious? I don't know I just don't want to lose what i have given my past i can say im not entirely to blame for having that ingrained fear. Im not that same person and Michael shouldn't be compared because he is nothing like what i had last time he is...perfect for me. As long as i can hold on and not totally screw everything up i will be just fine.

I am happy. Im tired and happy and scared and more tired. I need a nap and another weekend to lay in bed and recover...am i getting old? Bah

Work is stressful and the full effects haven't even begun yet everyone seems to be on edge which doesn't help im trying to ignore them and so far so good im keeping to myself and as soon as they tell me what i can do ill start until then...ill wait ;)

Anyways ill post soonish.

-Manda

Sick

I think everyone in the house has been sick its like a rotating circle of sickness...I'm going to blame new daycare/First year of big kid school. Nothing eventful has really happened we went for a drive up in the mountains to try and get me out of the valley and the smoke. It was everywhere it didn't matter, Successfully got lost and found our way back i think the total trip was somewhere around 6 hours Other than the traffic at the end it was pretty perfect not that either of us felt wonderful.

Driving always has been a way to just...run without actually running. Getting away and coming back its hard to explain its just really nice. Speaking of running as soon as my lungs feel decent or maybe before they do i need to get my fat butt running again i've been really bad.

I'm so done with work without getting myself into trouble by breaking some confidentiality law all i can say is that shit just got really bad here and it has nothing to do with me only ill be picking up the mess and i need out as quickly as possible. A doctor offered to write me a letter of recommendation without me even asking for it i was actually planning on asking and didn't have to that makes me feel a bit more valuable I've been beat down by the whole job hunt the first time around and now this..its just discouraging i know I'm worth more than I'm getting its just proving it to others.

Sorry nothing fun is going on like the explosion of my life and i hope that never happens again so you will have to deal with my boring blog!

-Amanda

Sick. Mom. Friday

I don't feel well. Im not trying to be a downer or unhappy because im not i just feel like my lungs are collapsing in on me and i really don't want them too! Its Friday...I have two days of no work a head of me and im sick. Suck! i just wanted to spend it with my family maybe ill be better tonight? Here is to hoping maybe if i think it enough it will come true!

Ayden lost his first tooth yesterday at school he was so cute this morning when he told me to open the door and let him in and showed me his gold dollar coin. I just wanted to hold him and never let go.. im being needy probably because i don't feel good. Poor little boy got my extra love this morning and now that i think about it i hope i don't get him sick. Anyways I really cant believe how big he has gotten and how fast! It makes me want another..someday...soon? I guess will see.

Mikala was sick yesterday and we both stayed home with her only i was the only one who didn't work. Not that i really can from home. I didn't want to leave her yesterday, Just like i never want to leave ayden when he is sick i wanted to hold her and make everything all better i hate that i cant. She didn't want me at first which i can understand im not her mom but then she did and this morning called me mom. It doesn't bug me but i don't want it to cause problems with her mom. I love her and i don't want to make things harder for her.

So... Until next time.

-Manda

Do you?

Do you ever feel like you are totally screwing everything up?! I feel like that right now, its probably me being paranoid. Ok not probably it is! I know we are all broken i get that i really really do i just feel like i don't have enough to offer. That even if i try i will never be good enough...does that make sense?

Im not sad today..im just over thinking everything. Habit. I know! grr...

I just want a new job and the drama with ali to be over and i want her to be ok. I feel guilty that shes not ok and i am. Like i should be paying some ultimate price for being so happy.

Sorry so short

-Amanda

:(

I am sad today and I couldn’t tell you exactly why. Maybe that things just keep happening?! Not really im not too worried about those things. That Ali put me in a sad mood after hanging out with her yesterday or things she did or said got to me? Maybe. The fact that I haven’t taken my pills in about a week isn’t helpful. Im exhausted and from what im not sure either.


The only thing I am certain of is that I am sad. I don’t want to be..i don’t have a real reason to be right now I just am. I want to scream and cry and run away and I don’t know. I feel lost. Im not sure lost is even the right way to put it?! Ugh! I have no idea what I am and this is the post pointless post ever.

Ayden and Mikala had a good first day at school, we did homework and got them caught up. That might be a reason im sad?! My Little boy has grown up! I miss just holding him and loving him and him letting me sometimes he still lets me but he’s a boy and he doesn’t want mom anymore. I feel useless. Sigh im going to go before I make myself more sad.



-Manda

Life

I should have blogged when I felt like I needed to most. Now that I didn’t I can’t remember exactly what I wanted to say.


I am tired, frustrated and forever just a bit broken. Not completely like before but just a little bit. My job gave me a written final warning for something beyond stupid the fact that I’ve never been written up anywhere ever..its just frustrating. So I’m on the hunt for a new job and that frightens me we all know how the last adventure of that went. SO I’m playing nice and exactly how they want me to until I can find something new IF I find something new.

On a side note I’ve never felt so loved in my life by anyone and I’ve never loved anyone back so much. I have never felt like I was in anything together that it was both of us rather than just me all the time figuring things out. Sure I was overly obsessive in that I need confirmation all the time that things will be all right and I did get that I just never got the help associated with making it all right and having it work out.

The kids started school today, I am sad I didn’t get to at least take them to their first day but I will be picking them up! Im sad but super excited for them im also a bit worried about ayden and how this all will affect him I hope we don’t have problems like I have had in past daycares kids are mean and horrible little creatures sometimes and ayden doesn’t deserve anymore heart ache. Not that any little kid does I just don’t want him taking crap for his parents choices.

I suppose that is it.

-Amanda

Family?!!

This morning in the shower where i do my best thinking it seems i started thinking about what "we" are..first thought was family then i wondered is that right? Is that really what we are doing here? Yes! in fact we are i have a little family of four. One month ago i was getting used to saying i love you and i still cant stop thinking it or wanting to say it. That's beside the point, I think i don't know my brain is all over the place right now.

Anyways! Family...This is different than anything i have had i know i keep saying that but it is. To actually have someone involved and engaged and wanting the same things and cares about the kids and when they go to bed and wanting to be with them and play and hang out.. Its beyond wonderful and like Ive said things wont always be so great but it will be worth it! SO worth it!

There is clearly no point to this post...that's pretty typical though.

-Manda

PS i have a family!

Broken Brain

My brain is a slightly..Something.

Anyways I couldn't help but thinking ALL day..How in love i am. I know barf, gag, STFU you stupid in love person! i know believe me i seriously know. BUT!! honestly i didnt know what it meant to be this happy...

That being said. I had a mood swing like a giant im going to rip your face off for looking at me wrong mood swing. Yesterday and i think i scared him. Actually i know i did and i feel like a total ass for it... sometimes i cant control them..they come on and i cant reasonably function and it probably doesn't help that i haven't taken my med's in over a week and i am pmsing. Excuses. Im scared im going to fuck this whole thing up..Its everything ive ever wanted and my crazy might just fuck it up. I will try i really will and do everything in my power not to freak out.. often.. but what if that isnt enough??!! Seriously this might make me crazy...well crazier.

Im super beyond happy and im going to enjoy it and if there is a god ill pray every night that i can keep this forever..It still almost feels like a dream.

Anyways.

Goodnight
-Manda