Monday, July 30, 2012

Home

So...

I am moved! Again. Back to West Jordan and i am not sure if its the city or the house but it feels like home this time. The old house.. the one i walked away from.. that didn't feel like home either not in the last few years it just felt like a place i was living one that i knew i would have to leave. The one in Stansbury felt like.. prison in a sense.

Yesterday would have been completely perfect had i not had to move last night.. i actually wasn't planning on it.. I had been moving for over a week we just had to finish the big stuff.

We took a drive up the canyon yesterday and it was beautiful and peaceful and nothing really had to be said..and i wondered a couple times if this was real? because i don't want it to end. I never ever thought anything like this would happen to me that i could be this happy ever. Its not all going to be perfect nothing is but I'm beyond willing to work on it when its not. I just don't want my heart ripped out again i know i keep saying it i keep saying it because i mean it.

I'm a bit stressed between work and trying to get ayden into a school this daycare shuttles too is going to be a chore and bills and life and..I'm happy.

-Amanda

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Blah

That is pretty much how i feel add a lot of pain on top of it and that accurately describes me right now.

I pulled weeds on Tuesday it was a utah holiday and i had both kids most of the day once ayden left i just decided to do it.. there were alot of weeds. And i NEVER do things like that so i am either really in love or i was REALLY bored. Will go with the first thing i wasn't bored.

ANYWAYS my point being is that im tired and sore from all of that plus i decided to take the doggy for a run yesterday and he was fantastic as long as there were no people or cars so you can imagine how exactly that went with me running through a residential area. Use your imagination im in no mood to give visuals.

I miss ayden more than anything..Like my heart hurts miss him I want to hug him and hold him and snuggle him and It breaks a little because i know next week ali will miss him but probably more because i have at least had him a few times this week and she wont.. she wont have him but one day a week and it kills me.

I need a nap and now that i have made myself sad and this post makes no sense at all and is all over the place. Which is probably normal im going to try and work now..

TRY

-Amanda

Monday, July 23, 2012

Change.

Everything has gone so fast. So VERY fast and im coping fairly well considering i am who i am. Ayden is having a hard time adjusting a bit..

I cant take anymore change though id really like to just sit back and be happy for awhile before more comes my way. I just want to breath for a minute and enjoy what has happened before we throw anything else into the mix. Sadly life doesn't always play out that way but ill try with all my power to do just that.

Im happy. Very Very happy. Its scary how happy i am..

I feel guilty a bit over it. I dont deserve it. Im not worthy of it but im not going to not enjoy every minute of it.

-Amanda

Friday, July 20, 2012

Friday

Did i do something wrong? Am i doing something wrong?

My rational part of my brain is starting to show back up or rather my over thinking part is. Its not just me who will pay for my mistakes that's a lesson i learned long ago.

I'm not sure if I'm doubting myself. Or just sinking a little bit..its not about any one thing its about everything and i know I'm worrying that I'm over thinking it. Sometimes i cant stop. Sometimes i don't want to.

My dad will be in town tomorrow, I love him i do in that sense that he has made an honest effort in the last few years. But I'm nervous Ive seen him once before and ayden was little and i had a buffer in between us. I will again that includes My boyfriend and my dads Girlfriend it doesn't change the fact that he will want to hug me and tell me he loves me and i love affection don't get me wrong but something is off about it when you haven't been around the person but once in the last 23 years and the 3 before that you don't remember because you were too small. I tell him i have forgiven him but there is a part of me that never will. Who leaves their child? I mean honestly? I was to young  and immature was not a good enough excuse he was 23 when he had me he had three years on my age when i had ayden i didn't run i was terrified but i did it...

I just don't get it. I probably never will.

I'm exhausted, emotionally and physically I'm pretty sure that's why i haven't freaked out i just don't have the energy to sit down and freak out My mental state has taken way to many hits over the last three years that its not letting me take another finally. After all this time.

Ill let you know how everything goes. Eventually.

-Manda

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Lucky?!

Lucky i am not, its one of those many things that has eluded me all my life. I take one step forward and five back.

I love Ali i really do i value everything she has given me. That through everything i have realized my strength my weakness my pain. I Have ayden and no matter what i have been through he will always be worth it i would feel and live that pain a million times over just for him.

I'm moving out...Its time its been time and I'm really struggling with the fact that I'm actually doing it. I am happy with where I'm going and i really honestly think its great for both me and ayden. My guilt is coming from the fact that Ali wont be with ayden every day and i didn't plan this i didn't go out searching for it. It just happened and if this works out or not doesn't matter even though i hope beyond hoping it does. She starts a new job at the end of the month where she will be working nights so the only time she would have seen him was taking him to school in the morning and on Sundays. Now she wont get the mornings i will be living to far away and i cant bounce ayden back and forth that much.

My guilt my actually consume me and i feel like it honestly should be more than it actually is. But i know its time i have to do this we knew it would happen but neither of us were planning on this soon. She wont talk to me. That hurts more. After everything we have been through everything i have taken on done and helped her with To just walk away and to push me away and not say anything or talk to me about how our relationship as best friends as ayden's parents is going to be changing it kills me. I feel like Ive done something wrong and maybe i have maybe i deserve this. In fact i probably do but it doesn't matter i still feels awful i still feel awful and i just want to be happy. Is that so much to ask?

-Manda

Monday, July 16, 2012

Smash

I feel like I'm repeatedly banging my head against a metal wall. Metal because its shiny and who honestly doesn't like shiny? That's right not you!

I am happy. I really really am. That being said I'm doing what i do best, worrying about everything all the time things i cant control and things i can. I feel guilty for being happy, for not spending as much time with Ayden as i used too. I feel like a selfish monster but i cant bring myself to stop because part of me knows its wrong and a bigger part of me knows its not.

In other news, The bankruptcy is about done and the next six years will be super fun. Good news is after the first three years i can start paying more to pay off the plan sooner. Will see where i am and what I'm doing in three years and if that's even an option. I'm seriously considering looking for a new job it took me so long to get this one though that Ive kind of lost hope.

Ali starts a new job at the end of the month that will make me a single parent about 85 percent of the time. I'm worried about that i moved so far away from my mom and all my help that i will be alone out in the middle of no where i know i can do it. I'm very capable but it doesn't change the fact that i feel like a complete failure for moving so far away i knew better. Hell i didnt even really want to do it. I don't mind the area and the house is great. I just don't love it and it doesn't feel like home.

Anyways I'm going to get back to work.

-Amanda

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Scared.

More like thoroughly terrified at the prospect that im in fact in love again. For the second time in my life. And im beyond scared there is actually no words that describe the actual feeling im having.

I don't feel like running. That almost scares me more because i should be freaking out more right? have that  flight feeling that i usually get over everything.. but im not. Its not happening and i keep racking my brain trying to find it.

Im not crazy, no matter how many people i tell that to. Im really not and i know that. Or at least i keep trying to convince myself of it. IM NOT! ok im really not. But im fucking exhausted from life and the emotional roller coaster and i cant say i wont live through it because i will i know i can i just don't want to. If it happens on its own fine but to let someone in that has the potential to completely break me. Again. Is huge and scary and i over think EVERYTHING.

Im going with it. Ill see where it leads and i honestly hope for the best and expect nothing.

Two in one night.. ill be back in a lets say a month? Unless i explode then will see you sooner!

-Amanda

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

I have nothing

So...Long time no blog. Imagine that. Its my theme you either hear from me when im happy or sad and i muddle through the middle parts staying silent until i explode.
 
No exploding. Not right this second anyways.

 Whats new.. Hmm... Lets think... Things are new, Ok fine i have a boyfriend and he is probably going to be the only who reads this post. Well him and that one random person from Germany that reads my blog. Seriously Germany?!?!

 Anyways..new.. new.. Nothing really i hate my boss she hates me. Oh wait i did have a total melt down about mid june. That was fun, and slightly entertaining and frightening if you were around to watch it go down.
 I was angry my anti depressants weren't working in fact they were doing the opposite of what they should have been doing which made me that much more bat shit crazy. Good times.

 Ayden is good still causing trouble everywhere he goes. This kid knows exactly how to push my buttons and how far to push me because i don't want to yell and ive been really good not to but in my default of not yelling i just give in and give him what he wants before i freak the fuck out. Yes i am in fact a horrible parent i hope you all feel better about yourselves knowing this. That being said hes pretty much the best child ever i love him more than life and id probably curl up in a ball and give up if it were not for him.

 I filed bankruptcy finally. I go sign the papers this week. Relief and agonizing dread for the next six years. Yes six. It was only supposed to be three, ali lost hours and work and pay and god damnit WHY?! so we extended the time. I have to keep reminding myself why im here, what ive been through and where im going next and it doesnt seem as bad. For at least a few minutes.

 Well your welcome. You might see me soon. Might not. -Amanda