I am feeling very…nostalgic today?
Saying goodbye this morning and the love and cute little smiles makes me go back and remember all the cute little things sometimes you take for granted I would like to think that in this relationship at this point I haven’t taken them for granted that often. I just want to smile like a moron…Remembering the first time he held me and waking up in his arms and I haven’t left them…im so very blessed in so many ways.
I am me though and there are those things like money the pesky things that are nagging at me this month but the money that we spent had to be we didn’t blow it. This month is going to be tight and we have easter ontop of it and new daycare charges and waiting for something to happen in court with Damien… regardless I am truly happy. So so so happy.
-Manda
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Life
Where do I even begin? The beginning? The end in the middle?
I haven’t really talked about it here at all I don’t believe…
Michael has a son who up until two days ago lived with his mother in Idaho where she took off to after she got pregnant. Sometimes Michael… sometimes I wonder. ;)
Anyways he was able to finally get an address on her a few years ago and went after her for custody hoping that if he went for full custody that they would meet in the middle somewhere so he could have a relationship with his son. She’s not dumb I don’t think but I believe she was taking bad advice from her mother who was telling her that if court proceedings were not in their state that ours couldn’t do anything. Well when you don’t show up to court you default… she defaulted and Michael was awarded Custody of his son on the 13th of this month we talked and talked and went back and forth and even asked the lawyer about possibly letting him stay with his mom but have full custody and use it to our advantage just so we didn’t have to rip him away but we couldn’t it wouldn’t do us any good in the long run and might actually hurt us. So we planned and we drove from Utah to Idaho Friday night and we talked and talked and tried to plan and both felt guilty and then finally we got him and we called the cops and we let them know before and after and we stopped to talk to the cops as she was saying we were kidnapping him we weren’t we had a court order signed.
Her mother called Michael to snap at him and tell him he was going to be arrested because it didn’t matter that we had a Utah order he is an Idaho resident…well she was wrong. And we got home without a problem and now we wait….
We wait for him to have a mini melt down when he realizes that he isn’t going to see his mom for awhile unless she comes down and makes that effort. Wait for her to make a move in court…or not but in 60 days its permanent..
Sometimes I wonder... Life doesn’t seem to give you a break or much down time but where I am at what I am doing I wouldn’t change it for the world.
-Amanda.
Ps this was written a couple days ago
I haven’t really talked about it here at all I don’t believe…
Michael has a son who up until two days ago lived with his mother in Idaho where she took off to after she got pregnant. Sometimes Michael… sometimes I wonder. ;)
Anyways he was able to finally get an address on her a few years ago and went after her for custody hoping that if he went for full custody that they would meet in the middle somewhere so he could have a relationship with his son. She’s not dumb I don’t think but I believe she was taking bad advice from her mother who was telling her that if court proceedings were not in their state that ours couldn’t do anything. Well when you don’t show up to court you default… she defaulted and Michael was awarded Custody of his son on the 13th of this month we talked and talked and went back and forth and even asked the lawyer about possibly letting him stay with his mom but have full custody and use it to our advantage just so we didn’t have to rip him away but we couldn’t it wouldn’t do us any good in the long run and might actually hurt us. So we planned and we drove from Utah to Idaho Friday night and we talked and talked and tried to plan and both felt guilty and then finally we got him and we called the cops and we let them know before and after and we stopped to talk to the cops as she was saying we were kidnapping him we weren’t we had a court order signed.
Her mother called Michael to snap at him and tell him he was going to be arrested because it didn’t matter that we had a Utah order he is an Idaho resident…well she was wrong. And we got home without a problem and now we wait….
We wait for him to have a mini melt down when he realizes that he isn’t going to see his mom for awhile unless she comes down and makes that effort. Wait for her to make a move in court…or not but in 60 days its permanent..
Sometimes I wonder... Life doesn’t seem to give you a break or much down time but where I am at what I am doing I wouldn’t change it for the world.
-Amanda.
Ps this was written a couple days ago
Friday, February 15, 2013
Sad face
I’m sad and I can’t pin point a reason why possible hormones, possible tiredness. I am getting married in what 63 days? I have a dress a place food is underway and nothing else I need alterations invitations my centerpieces are figured out just not what exactly im going to put them in table cloths a cake a dress for mikala a suit for ayden and Michael and Damien possibly and im not necessarily stressed it will get done one way or another or not… eh it will.. anyways still sad back to that little tid bit no idea why i was ok last night a little sad that boyfriend got stuck at work late but dinner and the rest of the night was perfect.
Maybe it’s just a bad day? Woke up late had to run out of the house and I changed my schedule so I would have more time with the kids and Michael in the morning.. blah it’s just a blah day.
The picture is because it makes me smile.
-Amanda.
Maybe it’s just a bad day? Woke up late had to run out of the house and I changed my schedule so I would have more time with the kids and Michael in the morning.. blah it’s just a blah day.
The picture is because it makes me smile.
-Amanda.
Monday, January 7, 2013
I don't know.
I feel like I need to write probably for my own sanity possibly my families as well I can feel myself slipping. Everything seems to be hitting at once and as prepared as I thought I was for it.. I haven’t been through anything like this in my life. He knows or he at least acknowledges he knows that everything I am taking on is really a lot for anyone to take on not that ali isn’t my form of baggage. But spending thousands of dollars and fighting in a custody battle is a bit different then dealing with an ali. It’s overwhelming and heart breaking at times and sometimes I just don’t know what to say or do and I have had the thought to run before but that was awhile back and I can’t imagine ever doing that…I hope the thought never crosses my mind again in all honesty.
I worry what this whole process might do to the kids we have at home what it might take from them. But I also wonder if we don’t do it what Damien will think when he gets older because I would never want him to say well my dad didn’t fight for me he was too involved with his current family to care because that’s not true. Bottom line is that this is going to be long and drawn out and painful for everyone involved and im hoping to spare the kids most of that. I know we are doing the right thing just I wish some days I didn’t have to think about it but it’s always there…in the background glaring at us.
I am happy so very happy and I know how amazing my life really is right now how bright the future really looks I just get weighed down sometimes…if you have read my blog you know that is a reality.. a hard habit to break…
Anyways ill post soonish
-Amanda
I worry what this whole process might do to the kids we have at home what it might take from them. But I also wonder if we don’t do it what Damien will think when he gets older because I would never want him to say well my dad didn’t fight for me he was too involved with his current family to care because that’s not true. Bottom line is that this is going to be long and drawn out and painful for everyone involved and im hoping to spare the kids most of that. I know we are doing the right thing just I wish some days I didn’t have to think about it but it’s always there…in the background glaring at us.
I am happy so very happy and I know how amazing my life really is right now how bright the future really looks I just get weighed down sometimes…if you have read my blog you know that is a reality.. a hard habit to break…
Anyways ill post soonish
-Amanda
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Presents.
With the holidays come and gone and within the hectic that was Christmas I was constantly reminded just how far I have come and just how lucky I am.
Why anyone would give up on everything I have with Michael makes me seriously wonder about people's sanity. I understand not being happy though I've been there done that and if its not meant to be it won't be no matter how hard you try.
I am so happy like stupid happy and grateful and did I mention happy?! Well I am. I understand its always going to be work to some extent remember who I am. So don't judge and think I've lost it trust me I'm fully aware I'm just amazed at how perfect we really are for each other I never ever thought anything like this was even a remote possibility for anyone let alone me.
So with that being said I am going to scamper off and finish working for the day (barf) and go home to my little family.
-Manda
Why anyone would give up on everything I have with Michael makes me seriously wonder about people's sanity. I understand not being happy though I've been there done that and if its not meant to be it won't be no matter how hard you try.
I am so happy like stupid happy and grateful and did I mention happy?! Well I am. I understand its always going to be work to some extent remember who I am. So don't judge and think I've lost it trust me I'm fully aware I'm just amazed at how perfect we really are for each other I never ever thought anything like this was even a remote possibility for anyone let alone me.
So with that being said I am going to scamper off and finish working for the day (barf) and go home to my little family.
-Manda
Friday, November 23, 2012
Not for you.
Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like kicking a puppy off a cliff? a really cute fluffy adorable one? Yeah thats today... it didnt start off that way but it seems to be ending that way.
I feel like i am in a tunnel of trying to live down my past and someone else's while silently crying. Its probably just a bad day, or something. Im happy i really am but i just feel like i can do anything right i cant be sad i cant be angry i cant go inside my head and try to figure out how to process things when ive been doing it that way for years its been my coping mechanism without being accused of being unhappy. I feel like im fighting a losing battle some days.. and today my strategy at dealing with these things is to cry. I dont like doing it im not necessarily proud of it but im not sure what else to do.
So the happy of this week?! thanksgiving was wonderful with my new in laws, Ayden turned 6 and we had a wonderful day i kept the kids home and we hung out and did projects and i cleaned. I only had to work two days which makes me happy because i just wanted to spend the time with my family which is going..kinda split time between other parents and work for michael kinda eats into that but i understand its just how things are and im not resentful of it. Its just an adjustment for me.
Im going to go now i just needed to vent.
-Amanda
I feel like i am in a tunnel of trying to live down my past and someone else's while silently crying. Its probably just a bad day, or something. Im happy i really am but i just feel like i can do anything right i cant be sad i cant be angry i cant go inside my head and try to figure out how to process things when ive been doing it that way for years its been my coping mechanism without being accused of being unhappy. I feel like im fighting a losing battle some days.. and today my strategy at dealing with these things is to cry. I dont like doing it im not necessarily proud of it but im not sure what else to do.
So the happy of this week?! thanksgiving was wonderful with my new in laws, Ayden turned 6 and we had a wonderful day i kept the kids home and we hung out and did projects and i cleaned. I only had to work two days which makes me happy because i just wanted to spend the time with my family which is going..kinda split time between other parents and work for michael kinda eats into that but i understand its just how things are and im not resentful of it. Its just an adjustment for me.
Im going to go now i just needed to vent.
-Amanda
Monday, November 5, 2012
No idea.
Life seems to know how to hit you when you’re down and when you’re not, it never fails to smack you back into reality. I’ve probably been too happy for too long? Well suck it life because im still happy. This is me sticking my tongue out at you, I’m stronger then you give me credit for and even if I have to keep telling myself that I’m still coming out on top this time I will NOT allow you to swallow me again we’ve played this game once and it took me awhile to realize how to fight back not this time.
Game on.
I kind of had to get that out my brain is on overload the things I want are contradicting with the things I have to do I feel like it’s a never ending game of tag. I am so very lucky in everything I have, with all the shit I have given up in my short life I still have a lot more than most. For that I am beyond thankful so I’ll take whatever comes next and wait and hope for the best and regardless deal with it because one way or another ill make it and this time family intact that’s a promise.
None of this makes sense to anyone outside of my brain for that I’m sorry and I wish I could put into words exactly what I’m talking about but I can’t seem to find them and this is all I could come up with hopefully next post will be better but this is my place and this is what I needed to get out. You choose to read it I don’t force you too.
-Amanda
Game on.
I kind of had to get that out my brain is on overload the things I want are contradicting with the things I have to do I feel like it’s a never ending game of tag. I am so very lucky in everything I have, with all the shit I have given up in my short life I still have a lot more than most. For that I am beyond thankful so I’ll take whatever comes next and wait and hope for the best and regardless deal with it because one way or another ill make it and this time family intact that’s a promise.
None of this makes sense to anyone outside of my brain for that I’m sorry and I wish I could put into words exactly what I’m talking about but I can’t seem to find them and this is all I could come up with hopefully next post will be better but this is my place and this is what I needed to get out. You choose to read it I don’t force you too.
-Amanda
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