A thought.

More like an Epiphany? Really..i know me having one who would have thought right?

Anyways i will explain. Last week my mom had a yard sale and in the process of digging crap out of my garage to take over and sale i found my baby pictures. I was actually looking for them. They are the only ones anyone has of me and if something happened to them poof no more baby Manda. So i found them looked through them and took them to my mom to reproduce save and store.

Yeah yeah I'm getting there.

While looking at them you start to think of everything you have been through. Actually i do that quit frequently. I blame my mom. Alot. i blame her a WHOLE lot. I never tell her this i just chose to go around her when i want to. I feel an obligation to her, more of a I'm the parent obligation. I look at my grandparents as just that Parents. When my mother talks to me she asks have you talked to mom and dad. Not have you talked to grandma and grandpa. They raised me until i was 8 or 9 i block that stage out (the whole moving away not the growing up part) and then after that. I raised myself. My mother being who she is doesn't see it that way and never will even if i yelled at her or told her in a nice friendly way she would get upset and attack me. Better left alone.

Anyways yes I'm getting there. Looking at all those pictures made me breath. Made me step back and say she did the best she could. Even if her best isn't what i wanted. Maybe not what i felt i deserved but it shaped me into the strong person i am. And i pray (figure of speech i don't pray the whole god thing and all) that i turn out the way ayden needs me as a mother to be. To be everything my mother wasn't for me.

It's different for me. Mara is around, she is his "father" and i unlike my mother do NOT have to raise him alone. I never will. I hugged my mom for no reason. i sat with her and watched my son play in her backyard. She is a MUCH better Nana then a mother. But i love her. And so does ayden. She taught me things that i needed to make it through...

That being said, I was thinking on the way home from the store alone.. for once. I was thinking about how short life really is. Because I'm odd and think of things i probably shouldn't i realized we as humans never sit down and think about what if i die before Ayden graduates high school? How will he ever learn in that short time how much i loved him and all the life lessons i needed to teach him. Will i see him graduate college? get married? have children? We all just think of the future for them and say well ill be there.

What if I'm not..

Ive decided to write him letters for every stage of his life because i cant predict that ill be here... people die every day, from things you cant imagine. I hope beyond hoping that i get to be there. but if I'm not...i have things i need to tell him. Things he needs to know.

I haven't decided if i will post some of them here or not, i guess if your all interested let me know and i will otherwise ill write them and have my mom put them in that fire resistant tank proof vault she has in her house just in case.

Blog of death.

I kid. Kind of.

Anyways lets see what have i done lately? Spent money, applied for a million jobs interviewed for a couple of said jobs. Eaten food and neglected the treadmill..cough... and i was being so good too!

So have you ever had one of those days where you want to walk up to someone kick them as hard as you can in their chests into a deep never ending dark hole and scream "this is Sparta!!" i have. In fact i have had 3 of those days in the last week. Aside from this visual being extremely funny or at least funny to me. I really do have days like these. Probably the lack of sleep I'm getting. The lack of exercise my body is getting with the reality of my impending doom of STILL not having a job all coupled with a very strong headed almost 4 year old is driving me to insomnia and on the off day to much sleep.

I'm broken. Thats all there is to it!

HALO!!!!

Right I'm a Geek i know! So for those of you that don't know Halo Reach comes out tonight. Yes i will be there. No bells on but i will be there.

I don't play many video games, Not anymore at least mommy hood does that to one. But i do love to play halo. More importantly i like to play halo live and talk shit to random strangers. Funny thing is that most of them add me. Probably because I'm a girl and none of them have been within ten feet of an actual vagina. HA. But its true, i have even gone so far as to tell them I'm five hundred pounds with cankles (I'm far from it even if some days i feel exactly like that) and they still want to be my friend. I am usually drunk or at least buzzed while playing said game which is for even more fun because Amanda's Filter seas-es to exist. Good times. Good Times.

So Anyways now that i have ran 4 miles and i still have Three hours until release i will venture off and cause trouble else where.

This is a point where i will ask you to ask me questions, something you want to know something you don't want to know i don't care but it will help me blog more and keep my mind off my impending doom of having NO job! Love you all.

P.S. I added a little tracker over there ----> that way telling you how many miles i have walked this week or in the last two months motivation is much needed so if you feel like it or don't Send me a message that tells me to get my five hundred pound fat ass up and moving!

Kiss. Kiss.
HAHAHAHA

Love,
Manda

August

I am starting to wonder if i will ever get a job. Its almost been a year and when i tell people this or im in an interview and they hear this they give me that god aweful look. Like today i had a great interview until the very end when she realized how long i have been out of work. My gut tells me that killed it.


I never wanted to be here and i have tried my hardest to get work and decent work at that. maybe ill have to live in a hole or work at mcdonalds for a few months i dont know. Im worth so much more then that and i have alot more experience then that. it be like starting all over like i was fresh out of high school. I have come to far for this. But im tired of the looks and the no call backs. Im tired of the scams out there the temp agencys the hours spent looking for a job.

Im just tired.

Anyone miss me?

The deafening silence answer's for you.

Hello! Hi! how are you!?

I am OK. When you tell people I'm ok, They give you that look you know the one that asks whats really wrong why just ok? At this point i like to walk away because i don't need the question's i am JUST OK! nothing more nothing less.

Random people messaging me on Facebook to ask me questions about my life. People i haven't spoken to in years or ones that i just said in the hall ways of high school. Really people you have NOTHING better to do with your time? Well i do. And yes i just ignored you on facebook go cry and post hate messages about it i thrive on this shit!

Anyways in real news I am STILL unemployed still...sigh at least unemployment extensions came through and i should be paid in the next two days for the last two weeks missed payments. I'm one of the lucky ones people had not received checks in almost two months.

School is at a stalemate they tell me i cant go until spring, i tell them to shove it ill do it my own damn self. Stupid school. If i wanted to be treated like trash i would have registered for the University not the community college.

Also in the last month i have walked my ass off... literally according to a friend well not all the way but its smaller! I'm averaging about 20 miles a week *pause this is where you go umm are you crazy and give me that look* Yes 20 not exaggerating either wish i was my feet Hurt! Its my stress relief and i just wake up cant sleep and get on the treadmill not the best thing to be doing but its better then late night eating. i don't think i have lost weight but then again i haven't weighed.i have lost an inch and a half around my waist wish I'm wondering if its more from my back side but whatever before it was just my calves it was working as long as it keeps going up and hits the belly region soon ill be fine.

So...Its 3:22 in the morning and my son is wide awake and my legs hurt I'm going to finish my last half mile of the morning and try to convince him sleep is not the enemy.

Angry.

Angry is not exactly the right word, more like livid. Not directed at just one person but at a whole government.

I'm not sure anymore that going into political science is my best choice... i love it but i don't see being able to change anything. This country has gone to shit, and alot of people blame the current president since the right is telling them to do so. he is not perfect and he has lost his ability to have balls when it comes to just about anything. But i blame the last four presidents the ones who deregulated everything over spent and blamed it on this poor man.

I blame the congressmen and women the senators and just about every other branch of government out there for sitting on there fat money making asses in seats they should have given up 30 years ago in some cases. I want them all to spend a month or two or hell six in my shoes someone from middle to low class because god knows not one of them has been one of us ever. to be elected you have to be rich and once there you get kick backs mad vacations and a nice salary and great benefits. And they don't care about us because like i said they have never been us, they also don't care because we are required to pay their retirement after they have served. I hope their worthless lives are worth it. I wish they were like the rest of us because if i did the shit they did to my fellow Americans i couldn't sleep at night.

Democrats need to grow a pair, and realize the rights agenda campaign is working they are fooling low class into believe their bull shit and the dems think oh well our people are smart enough to realize. Get your ASSES out there and tell them whats going on because most of your voters are NOT smart enough to understand whats going on and are being bombarded by news,emails and miss information from radio hosts. Get them good educations and there wont be this problem...hell get them educations at all...

I'm so done. I'm so frustrated.I have always showed pride for my country i have always loved it. I have never been less in love with anything in my life.

Happy fourth America. Keep turning a blind eye to your neighbors. Eventually something will give... and I'm afraid it will be something worse then what we are dealing with now.

Maybe i should move to china..at least id have a job.

I am not apologizing again

I am not! Because anyone who reads this NEVER comments so i will NOT say im sorry for NOT posting ever again.

SO there.

The End.

Until next time.