So tomorrow is my birthday, As it approaches i become more and more ok with the thought i staying in bed all day covers pulled over my head.
Ill only be 24, to me this feels like the end. I will be 24 with an almost 4 year old newly divorced and jobless. This my friends is the end.
I would like to again say I'm sorry for not posting in awhile nothing of great importance has happened. Me and the Ex are getting a long as per usual, fighting for my house a job and life to continue on a daily basis while trying to occupy my time with meaningless things like baking bread and making clam chowder for the first time which by the way was awesome and i ate my weight in it.
Add that to my end list overweight 24 with an almost 4 year old newly divorced and jobless...that seems more accurate. Anyone out there have questions for me?
Also if you can boycott Arizona for anything i suggest doing so, fine find illegals but there policy only enforces racial profiling and just gives a cop the reason to discriminate like they need more reason.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Anyone out there?
I ask but i know the answer, Sometimes the smallest things make us the happiest. Sometimes its a complete stranger and most times that makes it all the more enjoyable. I know im being cryptic but its my blog i can be!
I had a decent week, even is said week is not yet over. I spent more time then usual with my mother Ayden enjoyed it seeing Nana as she requests to be called. She has started doing Eyelash extensions and was teaching me how to do them i am not nearly as good as her but i got 75 dollar lash extensions for free which is always a good time. Its my first time having them so will see how long they last. It is nice to have a mom that will color,cut and go to the beauty supply with you for free. I have been privileged in that respect i have never really had to pay for things like that and my makeup habit takes up resources that i would have to use for those things, i really need a job to continue this habit.
I applied for FASFA (financial aid for schooling) that's not the technical name but you get the picture, i applied for over 30 jobs last week alone i had one call back one interview and about 30 denial letters back. Discouraging to say the least i have applied this week but nearly as much i honestly know i have been double applying to places but what other options do i have? Maybe i can get help and go to school knowing my luck ill either make to much or to little money that's how it goes for me. But if they can help and i can work part time and go to school that would be great.
Anyways im adventure for making home made pizza is finally on im in the finishing stages ill let you know if i totally bombed!
I had a decent week, even is said week is not yet over. I spent more time then usual with my mother Ayden enjoyed it seeing Nana as she requests to be called. She has started doing Eyelash extensions and was teaching me how to do them i am not nearly as good as her but i got 75 dollar lash extensions for free which is always a good time. Its my first time having them so will see how long they last. It is nice to have a mom that will color,cut and go to the beauty supply with you for free. I have been privileged in that respect i have never really had to pay for things like that and my makeup habit takes up resources that i would have to use for those things, i really need a job to continue this habit.
I applied for FASFA (financial aid for schooling) that's not the technical name but you get the picture, i applied for over 30 jobs last week alone i had one call back one interview and about 30 denial letters back. Discouraging to say the least i have applied this week but nearly as much i honestly know i have been double applying to places but what other options do i have? Maybe i can get help and go to school knowing my luck ill either make to much or to little money that's how it goes for me. But if they can help and i can work part time and go to school that would be great.
Anyways im adventure for making home made pizza is finally on im in the finishing stages ill let you know if i totally bombed!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Long time no blog.
Sorry i have been MIA, not really i doubt anyone really cares but sometimes i really miss telling everyone my business in a fun and entertaining way ha...
Not much has happened other then the fact that i have a job interview on Monday, not that I'm excited about it because it doesn't pay enough to even cover my daycare so even if i got it i couldn't take it. Also I'm doubting ill get it but i cant be such a downer right? wrong i am one so there!
Anyways Ayden is doing great, sometimes i wonder how he got so damn smart.
Also today i made my first loaf of bread, it sucked lol but it wasn't horrible it was edible just a little squishy in the middle. Today for dinner i will tackle making a pizza so wish me luck again... well maybe not i just realized i forgot the sauce and i don't feel like going to the store i know that is premature since its like one in the morning but i can honestly say ill probably be to lazy later to bother.
Well i hope everyone is doing well hope to update soon. maybe with good paying job news.
Not much has happened other then the fact that i have a job interview on Monday, not that I'm excited about it because it doesn't pay enough to even cover my daycare so even if i got it i couldn't take it. Also I'm doubting ill get it but i cant be such a downer right? wrong i am one so there!
Anyways Ayden is doing great, sometimes i wonder how he got so damn smart.
Also today i made my first loaf of bread, it sucked lol but it wasn't horrible it was edible just a little squishy in the middle. Today for dinner i will tackle making a pizza so wish me luck again... well maybe not i just realized i forgot the sauce and i don't feel like going to the store i know that is premature since its like one in the morning but i can honestly say ill probably be to lazy later to bother.
Well i hope everyone is doing well hope to update soon. maybe with good paying job news.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
I suck at life..
Ha Mara i stole that from you. But it's true i do i also blow at blogging because apparently I'm neither interesting of witty enough to accumulate more then five followers. Bah.
So if you lurk and don't fallow i condemn you to hell, not really but ill pretend for the witty part of me sake.
Anyways onto real life... haha *cough* I was supposed to go to the "dunes" this weekend with my mom step dad and step brother at some point a step sister was going to be there to. I feel receiving money from my father is far more important because without said money i wont be able to pay my car payment.. aww to be an unemployed adult forced to take money from your only parent who will give you money. It will also pay for food that is currently in my cupboards that i had to break down and buy. eh.. i don't feel guilty the nonexistence of his presence most of my life makes me have no guilt. I am a sad creature, that being said i do feel bad for making my son miss out on the fun-ness of the dunes. well fun for him anyways i was dreading it and really really didn't want to go. I really dislike the dunes and until my mother met my step dad in all her 40+ years of being in Utah never had gone so i know for a fact she didn't like it either.
Isn't funny how we change for the ones we love? stupid, were all stupid in that respect.
Alright I'm done you can go back to your Internet surfing and shake your head because that's exactly what i just did.
P.S. Just because i dont believe in god dosnt mean i dont celebrate easter since im pretty sure Jesus was a real brown man from the middle east that probably did some really good things or maybe not either way the colors and egg hunting is fun so Happy Easter
So if you lurk and don't fallow i condemn you to hell, not really but ill pretend for the witty part of me sake.
Anyways onto real life... haha *cough* I was supposed to go to the "dunes" this weekend with my mom step dad and step brother at some point a step sister was going to be there to. I feel receiving money from my father is far more important because without said money i wont be able to pay my car payment.. aww to be an unemployed adult forced to take money from your only parent who will give you money. It will also pay for food that is currently in my cupboards that i had to break down and buy. eh.. i don't feel guilty the nonexistence of his presence most of my life makes me have no guilt. I am a sad creature, that being said i do feel bad for making my son miss out on the fun-ness of the dunes. well fun for him anyways i was dreading it and really really didn't want to go. I really dislike the dunes and until my mother met my step dad in all her 40+ years of being in Utah never had gone so i know for a fact she didn't like it either.
Isn't funny how we change for the ones we love? stupid, were all stupid in that respect.
Alright I'm done you can go back to your Internet surfing and shake your head because that's exactly what i just did.
P.S. Just because i dont believe in god dosnt mean i dont celebrate easter since im pretty sure Jesus was a real brown man from the middle east that probably did some really good things or maybe not either way the colors and egg hunting is fun so Happy Easter
Friday, March 26, 2010
I am Tired.
Tired as in sleepy tired, I have not been sleeping well. If i sleep at all that is. I have no idea what is wrong. I didnt sleep for a whole day and then slept for almost twenty four hours. i believe that was general catch up sleep from the whole week since it was four hours one night three the next and maybe six he next..
God help me i need to sleep! I have even taken sleeping pills and nothing!
God help me i need to sleep! I have even taken sleeping pills and nothing!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Realization
Realization that i am now totally alone has set in. Sure i have my family, not that i could stand them much anyways. They are not exactly understanding in issues that i am going through. Or ever for that matter. My mom has never been a mom and my grandma who has been is always so far away and more closed minded then i would care to admit because i love her so much it hurts to realize that her only answer is to go to church and pray.
I only had one person for SO many years that understood this and she was my husband, she was the only constant in my life that didn't judge and didn't give crappy advice. I don't have her anymore and that really sucks. She has her own issues and saying she instead of he has been a real challenge one that i don't quit understand.
Realising its just me now, me and ayden scares me beyond belief i no longer have anyone to go home and say this is whats wrong and im freaking out and have them say it will be ok and mean it because no matter what they intend to be there. I know she didn't love me for years but that support with or without love was still nice because i still loved her. I guess its the alone part that is bugging me.
Alone.
No job, no schooling and one little boy who depends on me for everything and i feel like i have been failing him. I have friends only one who truly knows and the rest are in the dark they say they want to help that they will listen but they honestly dont care. They have there own lives and i dont blame them for that i know what its like. they shouldnt have to be my support. I will have to learn to be my own. Alone.
Goodnight.
I only had one person for SO many years that understood this and she was my husband, she was the only constant in my life that didn't judge and didn't give crappy advice. I don't have her anymore and that really sucks. She has her own issues and saying she instead of he has been a real challenge one that i don't quit understand.
Realising its just me now, me and ayden scares me beyond belief i no longer have anyone to go home and say this is whats wrong and im freaking out and have them say it will be ok and mean it because no matter what they intend to be there. I know she didn't love me for years but that support with or without love was still nice because i still loved her. I guess its the alone part that is bugging me.
Alone.
No job, no schooling and one little boy who depends on me for everything and i feel like i have been failing him. I have friends only one who truly knows and the rest are in the dark they say they want to help that they will listen but they honestly dont care. They have there own lives and i dont blame them for that i know what its like. they shouldnt have to be my support. I will have to learn to be my own. Alone.
Goodnight.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
So...
I have been increasingly happy the last week or so, Part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop sort of speak. But i think were a little late for that. I am hoping this was the push i needed to finally snap out of it. Moving on is SO hard but so necessary, i am finally dealing with all the things that went wrong.
I knew from the beginning there was no going back no fixing it but totally grasping that takes some time. Nine years is a long time to get over. I have made decisions in my life that i feel are not only best for my son which is the main concern but for me as well.
I love my little boy and he is my main priority along with his mental physical and over all health and i will do everything in my power to keep him healthy in all those areas even if that means no longer having certain friends or relatives for that matter.
I knew from the beginning there was no going back no fixing it but totally grasping that takes some time. Nine years is a long time to get over. I have made decisions in my life that i feel are not only best for my son which is the main concern but for me as well.
I love my little boy and he is my main priority along with his mental physical and over all health and i will do everything in my power to keep him healthy in all those areas even if that means no longer having certain friends or relatives for that matter.
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