Tomorrow

Long time no post.

I’m usually notorious for this so…you should be used to it. That being said Im sick…. Again Sinus infection. Poor mikala has Strep again and needs her tonsils out and I haven’t seen in her in a day and its already killing me.

Ali moved in with us, Its temporary until she can get either a better paying job or a roommate or both six months that’s how long she has. I am worried about things I think I was more worried before it actually happened then now. I doubt she will be around much she works late and has her own life which I’m grateful for but I worry I’ll be sucked into it…it being taking care of her and I don’t want to I just have to keep reminding myself I don’t have to it’s not my responsibility which was way easier with her living far away from me or at least in another house.

My new job is pretty good I have mandatory overtime for the next two months only four to five hours a week so I should be able to handle that the extra money will be nice as well.

It’s been four months just a few days ago its honestly been the best four months I’ve had probably ever. That being said I’m stuck in my head again I feel unworthy and almost guilty I’ve not been the best person in my past I don’t have relationship experience outside of one failed marriage and explosion of a life and that makes me want to slink away tail tucked. Somewhere in my head I know better I know the shit I’ve put up with was preparing me in a way for this teaching me not to take it for granted the good.. not to focus on the bad because if I do it will end badly for everyone.

I wish I had the words to express how grateful I am how much my little family means to me. How much Michael does.. but words seem to fail when you try and put that down because no matter what I say no matter how I put it, it just doesn’t feel like it’s enough. Ayden has a dad that he loves a home that is secure because we make it that way routine and so much love and a sister. I have everything I have ever wanted or hoped for and then some and I’m lost as to what to say other than thank you!

I guess I better get back to work.

-Manda

Hello

Its been awhile, Almost a month maybe? A lot has happened some wonderful things and some not so wonderful things.

I am beyond happy to report that i am engaged!! yes i know its gone fast... what can i say? nothing really I'm happier then i have ever been and i don't want to ever lose that.

I started my new job so far so good I'm done with training and actually go out on the floor on Tuesday so wish me luck there. Ali's dad sold her house and it looks like she will temporarily be moving in with us in our unfinished basement. I'm not sure how temporary it really will be and that scares me i don't want it messing with the life I'm building but then i feel guilty because i should be more willing to help her. We have a plan to talk about a deadline on the move out date though so that helps my anxiety.

The kids seem to be terrors as soon as we get them back from their other houses and it makes us anxious and a bit stressed i think. We just have rules and structure and expect certain things from them and at the other houses they don't. We picked out their Halloween costumes ayden is a Ninja and Mikala a Vampire i will post pictures from Halloween. I never really dress up and i want to this year because i did last and Michael usually does but i want us to be something that kind of matches. I just feel huge and like a cow and am afraid to fit into anything really. My insecurity is showing today.

Alright well ill try to post more soonish.

-Amanda

Thursday

I guess its been a couple days..

I had a pretty bad asthma attack that started mid day Tuesday.. Ok thats a lie i woke up at 4 am that morning not able to breath and ignored it. anyways so it really got to me about noonish Tuesday and didnt stop finally i decided to ask to leave which they let me because apparently my lack of oxygen was apparent on my face go figure. So i went home shaking before i even did a treatment desperately trying not to pass out and did a breathing treatment and half fell asleep for an hour then showered and did another and another.

My sweet boyfriend bought me avengers and picked up the kids and fed them and me and bought me a new iPhone case..im spoiled and i love him and he didn't have to do any of it for me to love him. Plus i think he took the hint after i mentioned for the fourth time that day that avengers came out even through my i cant breath haze... haha. We watched it last night with ali and the kids ayden loved it mikala bounced around it obviously wasn't something she really enjoyed. Maybe one day? i dunno i liked that stuff at her age.

Ali might take both kids tomorrow which I'm bouncing between excited and sad that they would both be gone..

In other news if i could walk out of this job right now i would. But then id feel guilty because the money is easy and all i have to do is sit here for two more days...but i don't wanna. I keep getting projects put on my desk.. i mean really i have a day to do them?! why?! oh well whatever.

Ill update tomorrow.

- Amanda

Kids

I was really happy Friday. Until about mid afternoon when mikala's mom decided she was going to go after Michael and use me to hurt him. I knew there was a reason i couldn't stand her in high school and we only hung out a few times when the kids were babies..

It wasn't what she said about me that hurt because i know none of it was true it was the fact that i realized how very much i love Mikala i knew i loved her i just didn't fully realize until the prospect of me not being able to see her set in. It was like a giant kick to the heart, Made worse by the fact that i have no legal rights to her and I'm not her mom. But i love her and id fight for her until her mom gave in or i died which ever came first.

Her mom seems to be backing down and wants 50/50 and that's fine i can deal with that because like i said I'm not her mom and i cant keep her 100% of the time even though i desperately want too. The kids might drive me nuts every day with their fighting or being completely hyper but i wouldn't trade it for the world.

So.. Ali is being good with ayden even stepping up to help me with an appointment he has tomorrow not that she is going to show up for it but that she will pick him up from me so i don't have to miss more than an hour of work not that i mind missing more from this place but i really need the money and if it were not for that id be long gone.

So ill update more later there are things i could post but right now don't have the time for!

-Amanda

Verdict?!

I got the job! Yeah jump up and down with me!... Yes i might have done exactly that when she offered me the position..Maybe not though?! Whatever no one saw me even if i did. I also received a bit of a raise going to this new place of employment not too much but enough and the pay days are twice a month rather than bi-weekly which will take getting used too.

My soon to be ex boss is a giant fat cow and needs to take a flying leap off a very large cliff. To say i hate her is probably an understatement im not sure how one person can be such a hateful monster and still be living. True story id tell you all the things she did to me but its not worth my time or energy im choosing to be happy to let it go but i hope she lives with it forever.

Ali is coming over again tonight to hang out with ayden and have dinner i am making Tatomess and if you really want to know i will tell you what it is exactly that requires a comment though and trust me its SO good. Anyways Because of this carb overload i will be partaking in i wont be eating today... like at all plus Ive gained a bit of weight which makes me feel like a fat cow. An ugly huge fat cow...It might have something to do with I'm trying to fight getting strep/a cold?! i dunno.

In other news i have fallen in love with this little monster of a kitty she thinks shes a dog and that's perfect because i suspect that i am pawning my kassie love onto her and i love Ruger see picture below but he cant just be snatched up and held. Her name is carrot and her sister is bunny and looks just like her just slightly different Mikala named them but id totally own those names myself so eh..

Rugar and carrot.. see how could you not love that face?! He does make it hard when he runs off and wont come back that's really his only downfall and that hes not so smart but the dumb might make him cuter? I dunno.

I will leave you with the cuteness of our kids! Have a good Thursday!
-Amanda

Nothing

No one reads this blog and for that im mostly grateful, You know unless it was way popular and i could make money off of it and take my children too school everyday..

I stayed home today.. yeah i shouldn't but i did anyways will get to that later. So i dropped ayden off at school and i got there almost right after Mikala got there from daycare and i got to hug them both and watch them walk into school and it was the best feeling ever and i want more of that but that's the price i will forever pay not having an education or you know a decent job. Ok that's a little harsh i have a good job i have a shitty boss and management and at least i have a job so i am thankful for that.

I interviewed last week for a better paying job a better job in general i did great the first interview not so great the second and they checked my references...i still haven't heard from them and im trying to be optimistic but im not sure how much longer i can be.

I got stupid drunk on Saturday which happened to be Mikala's Sixth birthday party. Yes i win bad mom of the year for that one and owe Michael a lot for putting up with me that night and every other after it. Anyways i think that's it for now.. thanks for reading?!

-Amanda

...

I am in a very emotionally vulnerable place right now, My mental state took a hit yesterday and put me in a funk that I'm having a really hard time shaking my brain takes over and i start over thinking and anything you say to me makes me feel like everything really is going to fall apart.

Ill shake it it just sucks while I'm in it. Ayden is with Ali today and i think that's probably for the best because I'm lost and not sure what to say to her and he is good at making us both melt and not fight. I love her and I'm torn because i have no idea what I'm supposed to do next I'm trying to make everything all better and i don't know if i can and i don't want to lose whats mine and I'm so fucking scared. None of this makes sense and i might contemplate going into further detail later but right now its hard enough for me to focus..

Ill post sometime soon.

-Amanda