Friday, November 23, 2012

Not for you.

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like kicking a puppy off a cliff? a really cute fluffy adorable one? Yeah thats today... it didnt start off that way but it seems to be ending that way.

I feel like i am in a tunnel of trying to live down my past and someone else's while silently crying. Its probably just a bad day, or something. Im happy i really am but i just feel like i can do anything right i cant be sad i cant be angry i cant go inside my head and try to figure out how to process things when ive been doing it that way for years its been my coping mechanism without being accused of being unhappy. I feel like im fighting a losing battle some days.. and today my strategy at dealing with these things is to cry. I dont like doing it im not necessarily proud of it but im not sure what else to do.

So the happy of this week?! thanksgiving was wonderful with my new in laws, Ayden turned 6 and we had a wonderful day i kept the kids home and we hung out and did projects and i cleaned. I only had to work two days which makes me happy because i just wanted to spend the time with my family which is going..kinda split time between other parents and work for michael kinda eats into that but i understand its just how things are and im not resentful of it. Its just an adjustment for me.

Im going to go now i just needed to vent.

-Amanda

Monday, November 5, 2012

No idea.

Life seems to know how to hit you when you’re down and when you’re not, it never fails to smack you back into reality. I’ve probably been too happy for too long? Well suck it life because im still happy. This is me sticking my tongue out at you, I’m stronger then you give me credit for and even if I have to keep telling myself that I’m still coming out on top this time I will NOT allow you to swallow me again we’ve played this game once and it took me awhile to realize how to fight back not this time.

Game on.

I kind of had to get that out my brain is on overload the things I want are contradicting with the things I have to do I feel like it’s a never ending game of tag. I am so very lucky in everything I have, with all the shit I have given up in my short life I still have a lot more than most. For that I am beyond thankful so I’ll take whatever comes next and wait and hope for the best and regardless deal with it because one way or another ill make it and this time family intact that’s a promise.

None of this makes sense to anyone outside of my brain for that I’m sorry and I wish I could put into words exactly what I’m talking about but I can’t seem to find them and this is all I could come up with hopefully next post will be better but this is my place and this is what I needed to get out. You choose to read it I don’t force you too.

-Amanda