Sinking

That sinking feeling creeps in when i least expect it to. But these days i don't feel as helpless as i used to. Its not as all consuming as it was before.

Today we got the back child support order 11 thousand dollars... insert pukey face here... Anyways i feel like im digging out of a hole i didn't help create i just got myself out of my own and i know bankruptcy is not always the answer and i feel better about this situation but i am marrying into it. In just 30 days i will marry the man i love more than anything and also his debt yes i have a bankruptcy and yes i will be paying it back for the next two and a half years and that and me and ayden are a lot to deal with so i feel like i can take this on.. because i know either way we together will make the best choices possible for our family to ensure we all have what we need and even sometimes what we want.

Where did that girl go? the one screaming and sinking... you remember her right? because i do... i sometimes still get glimpses of her sometimes she shows her very ugly face and by default makes me just as ugly as her despair is. Michael hates her i bet he would say that there isnt any part of me he hates but he does...how could you not hate her even i do at times.. i cant always hate her she got me through some horrible shit. or maybe that was me... either way i feel bad that he has to deal with it with that part of me but he doesn't see how far i have come only my mom and step dad, my dad and ali know just how far i have come how far away from her i have been able to break away and that in a very large part was due to him due to the things he gave me by just loving me and letting me in his life. By showing me that i didnt have to be alone.

I am so very excited to get married and so very nervous at the same time.

-Amanda

Remember

I am feeling very…nostalgic today?

Saying goodbye this morning and the love and cute little smiles makes me go back and remember all the cute little things sometimes you take for granted I would like to think that in this relationship at this point I haven’t taken them for granted that often. I just want to smile like a moron…Remembering the first time he held me and waking up in his arms and I haven’t left them…im so very blessed in so many ways.

I am me though and there are those things like money the pesky things that are nagging at me this month but the money that we spent had to be we didn’t blow it. This month is going to be tight and we have easter ontop of it and new daycare charges and waiting for something to happen in court with Damien… regardless I am truly happy. So so so happy.

-Manda