Death

I wish I knew where to start or what to say. Other then I'm lost and feel so alone I have shut down and feel as only if I'm a shell of a person I used to know. 

I was pregnant I was 14 weeks and I had already been through so much with that little pregnancy that we finally thought things were good they told us she was gone. I've never been through anything like this. Michael keeps telling me to focus on what we have how great things are. But are they? We have debt and job not being secure and court for his son still and all I wanted was our baby one we shared. I know we can try again soon as soon as my body recovers and decides to give me a period again. But I'm terrified and broken and not me and I don't know how to be. I went back to work today I lasted two hours. I'm sick ontop of everything the worlds sick joke of poking at someone who has already lost so much. 

I'm stupid and faulted and I need to snap out of it and I don't know how. I don't know where to start it keep going. 

In the End.

I have recently encountered a blog that changed my perspective on the things i can share.. The things id really like to share and the things people will probably condemn me for sharing.

I wish i could go back in time and break down the days what they felt like for you after my life literally imploded and i couldn't breath, eat, sleep, think.

I feel stronger now i feel like a person i never knew i had in me took over. But in those days weeks months after i was a shell and some days i still am.

Life is a bitch and to find out after 9 years with someone they are not at all who you thought they were who you loved who you imagined spending the rest of your life with it sucks. Its hard and i was bitter and angry and a bitch. I cried for a life i had lost and stood stale mate facing what to do next where to go next how to breath again.

I know its not easy and the websites out there the people you can talk to about this "sensitive" topic generally turn to hate they use that to move forward to cut their children off from their other parent to hurt them as deeply as they have been hurt. And its not right. Its not right for you its not right for your child and its not right for the person at the other end finally being honest with you i cant imagine going through the things these individuals do just to be themselves if they had a choice i know they wouldn't choose this life.

Why make things that much harder on you and them and really the children you may have in the mix life is difficult enough you are the adult suck it up butter cup pick yourself up and realize the only thing you are doing is destroying you and your self worth and your child's future.

Leave god out of it.

-Manda

You are welcome for the rant..i think i might start blogging more.

HALO!!!!

Right I'm a Geek i know! So for those of you that don't know Halo Reach comes out tonight. Yes i will be there. No bells on but i will be there.

I don't play many video games, Not anymore at least mommy hood does that to one. But i do love to play halo. More importantly i like to play halo live and talk shit to random strangers. Funny thing is that most of them add me. Probably because I'm a girl and none of them have been within ten feet of an actual vagina. HA. But its true, i have even gone so far as to tell them I'm five hundred pounds with cankles (I'm far from it even if some days i feel exactly like that) and they still want to be my friend. I am usually drunk or at least buzzed while playing said game which is for even more fun because Amanda's Filter seas-es to exist. Good times. Good Times.

So Anyways now that i have ran 4 miles and i still have Three hours until release i will venture off and cause trouble else where.

This is a point where i will ask you to ask me questions, something you want to know something you don't want to know i don't care but it will help me blog more and keep my mind off my impending doom of having NO job! Love you all.

P.S. I added a little tracker over there ----> that way telling you how many miles i have walked this week or in the last two months motivation is much needed so if you feel like it or don't Send me a message that tells me to get my five hundred pound fat ass up and moving!

Kiss. Kiss.
HAHAHAHA

Love,
Manda