New Baby

Its been longer than i imagined it would be between posts... i used to be really good at this.

I guess ill get right too it.

This is our little boy born 1/20/2015 5 Pounds 15 Ounces and 19 and a half inches

Declan Zachary

ive been waiting for this boy for as long as i can remember hes perfect in all his imperfections ill try and post again soon hes sick with a cold i also have ontop of his reflux and constipation gotta love having an infant again.

I'm sorry... Mostly.

It's been well over a year. I could have posted the months that followed my last post and you probably would have somehow found joy or misery in my own misery. It's been a hard year to say the least. 

I'm laying on my couch downstairs listening to my husband work and feeling my baby kick. Yep I'm pregnant. Almost 27 weeks with a little boy and doctors appointments so frequently it's almost ridiculous.  

Death

I wish I knew where to start or what to say. Other then I'm lost and feel so alone I have shut down and feel as only if I'm a shell of a person I used to know. 

I was pregnant I was 14 weeks and I had already been through so much with that little pregnancy that we finally thought things were good they told us she was gone. I've never been through anything like this. Michael keeps telling me to focus on what we have how great things are. But are they? We have debt and job not being secure and court for his son still and all I wanted was our baby one we shared. I know we can try again soon as soon as my body recovers and decides to give me a period again. But I'm terrified and broken and not me and I don't know how to be. I went back to work today I lasted two hours. I'm sick ontop of everything the worlds sick joke of poking at someone who has already lost so much. 

I'm stupid and faulted and I need to snap out of it and I don't know how. I don't know where to start it keep going. 

Sinking

That sinking feeling creeps in when i least expect it to. But these days i don't feel as helpless as i used to. Its not as all consuming as it was before.

Today we got the back child support order 11 thousand dollars... insert pukey face here... Anyways i feel like im digging out of a hole i didn't help create i just got myself out of my own and i know bankruptcy is not always the answer and i feel better about this situation but i am marrying into it. In just 30 days i will marry the man i love more than anything and also his debt yes i have a bankruptcy and yes i will be paying it back for the next two and a half years and that and me and ayden are a lot to deal with so i feel like i can take this on.. because i know either way we together will make the best choices possible for our family to ensure we all have what we need and even sometimes what we want.

Where did that girl go? the one screaming and sinking... you remember her right? because i do... i sometimes still get glimpses of her sometimes she shows her very ugly face and by default makes me just as ugly as her despair is. Michael hates her i bet he would say that there isnt any part of me he hates but he does...how could you not hate her even i do at times.. i cant always hate her she got me through some horrible shit. or maybe that was me... either way i feel bad that he has to deal with it with that part of me but he doesn't see how far i have come only my mom and step dad, my dad and ali know just how far i have come how far away from her i have been able to break away and that in a very large part was due to him due to the things he gave me by just loving me and letting me in his life. By showing me that i didnt have to be alone.

I am so very excited to get married and so very nervous at the same time.

-Amanda

Remember

I am feeling very…nostalgic today?

Saying goodbye this morning and the love and cute little smiles makes me go back and remember all the cute little things sometimes you take for granted I would like to think that in this relationship at this point I haven’t taken them for granted that often. I just want to smile like a moron…Remembering the first time he held me and waking up in his arms and I haven’t left them…im so very blessed in so many ways.

I am me though and there are those things like money the pesky things that are nagging at me this month but the money that we spent had to be we didn’t blow it. This month is going to be tight and we have easter ontop of it and new daycare charges and waiting for something to happen in court with Damien… regardless I am truly happy. So so so happy.

-Manda

Life

Where do I even begin? The beginning? The end in the middle?

I haven’t really talked about it here at all I don’t believe…

Michael has a son who up until two days ago lived with his mother in Idaho where she took off to after she got pregnant. Sometimes Michael… sometimes I wonder. ;)

Anyways he was able to finally get an address on her a few years ago and went after her for custody hoping that if he went for full custody that they would meet in the middle somewhere so he could have a relationship with his son. She’s not dumb I don’t think but I believe she was taking bad advice from her mother who was telling her that if court proceedings were not in their state that ours couldn’t do anything. Well when you don’t show up to court you default… she defaulted and Michael was awarded Custody of his son on the 13th of this month we talked and talked and went back and forth and even asked the lawyer about possibly letting him stay with his mom but have full custody and use it to our advantage just so we didn’t have to rip him away but we couldn’t it wouldn’t do us any good in the long run and might actually hurt us. So we planned and we drove from Utah to Idaho Friday night and we talked and talked and tried to plan and both felt guilty and then finally we got him and we called the cops and we let them know before and after and we stopped to talk to the cops as she was saying we were kidnapping him we weren’t we had a court order signed.

Her mother called Michael to snap at him and tell him he was going to be arrested because it didn’t matter that we had a Utah order he is an Idaho resident…well she was wrong. And we got home without a problem and now we wait….

We wait for him to have a mini melt down when he realizes that he isn’t going to see his mom for awhile unless she comes down and makes that effort. Wait for her to make a move in court…or not but in 60 days its permanent..

Sometimes I wonder... Life doesn’t seem to give you a break or much down time but where I am at what I am doing I wouldn’t change it for the world.

-Amanda.

Ps this was written a couple days ago

Sad face

I’m sad and I can’t pin point a reason why possible hormones, possible tiredness. I am getting married in what 63 days? I have a dress a place food is underway and nothing else I need alterations invitations my centerpieces are figured out just not what exactly im going to put them in table cloths a cake a dress for mikala a suit for ayden and Michael and Damien possibly and im not necessarily stressed it will get done one way or another or not… eh it will.. anyways still sad back to that little tid bit no idea why i was ok last night a little sad that boyfriend got stuck at work late but dinner and the rest of the night was perfect.

Maybe it’s just a bad day? Woke up late had to run out of the house and I changed my schedule so I would have more time with the kids and Michael in the morning.. blah it’s just a blah day.


The picture is because it makes me smile.

-Amanda.

I don't know.

I feel like I need to write probably for my own sanity possibly my families as well I can feel myself slipping. Everything seems to be hitting at once and as prepared as I thought I was for it.. I haven’t been through anything like this in my life. He knows or he at least acknowledges he knows that everything I am taking on is really a lot for anyone to take on not that ali isn’t my form of baggage. But spending thousands of dollars and fighting in a custody battle is a bit different then dealing with an ali. It’s overwhelming and heart breaking at times and sometimes I just don’t know what to say or do and I have had the thought to run before but that was awhile back and I can’t imagine ever doing that…I hope the thought never crosses my mind again in all honesty.

I worry what this whole process might do to the kids we have at home what it might take from them. But I also wonder if we don’t do it what Damien will think when he gets older because I would never want him to say well my dad didn’t fight for me he was too involved with his current family to care because that’s not true. Bottom line is that this is going to be long and drawn out and painful for everyone involved and im hoping to spare the kids most of that. I know we are doing the right thing just I wish some days I didn’t have to think about it but it’s always there…in the background glaring at us.

I am happy so very happy and I know how amazing my life really is right now how bright the future really looks I just get weighed down sometimes…if you have read my blog you know that is a reality.. a hard habit to break…

Anyways ill post soonish
-Amanda

Presents.

With the holidays come and gone and within the hectic that was Christmas I was constantly reminded just how far I have come and just how lucky I am.

Why anyone would give up on everything I have with Michael makes me seriously wonder about people's sanity. I understand not being happy though I've been there done that and if its not meant to be it won't be no matter how hard you try.

I am so happy like stupid happy and grateful and did I mention happy?! Well I am. I understand its always going to be work to some extent remember who I am. So don't judge and think I've lost it trust me I'm fully aware I'm just amazed at how perfect we really are for each other I never ever thought anything like this was even a remote possibility for anyone let alone me.

So with that being said I am going to scamper off and finish working for the day (barf) and go home to my little family.

-Manda

Not for you.

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like kicking a puppy off a cliff? a really cute fluffy adorable one? Yeah thats today... it didnt start off that way but it seems to be ending that way.

I feel like i am in a tunnel of trying to live down my past and someone else's while silently crying. Its probably just a bad day, or something. Im happy i really am but i just feel like i can do anything right i cant be sad i cant be angry i cant go inside my head and try to figure out how to process things when ive been doing it that way for years its been my coping mechanism without being accused of being unhappy. I feel like im fighting a losing battle some days.. and today my strategy at dealing with these things is to cry. I dont like doing it im not necessarily proud of it but im not sure what else to do.

So the happy of this week?! thanksgiving was wonderful with my new in laws, Ayden turned 6 and we had a wonderful day i kept the kids home and we hung out and did projects and i cleaned. I only had to work two days which makes me happy because i just wanted to spend the time with my family which is going..kinda split time between other parents and work for michael kinda eats into that but i understand its just how things are and im not resentful of it. Its just an adjustment for me.

Im going to go now i just needed to vent.

-Amanda

No idea.

Life seems to know how to hit you when you’re down and when you’re not, it never fails to smack you back into reality. I’ve probably been too happy for too long? Well suck it life because im still happy. This is me sticking my tongue out at you, I’m stronger then you give me credit for and even if I have to keep telling myself that I’m still coming out on top this time I will NOT allow you to swallow me again we’ve played this game once and it took me awhile to realize how to fight back not this time.

Game on.

I kind of had to get that out my brain is on overload the things I want are contradicting with the things I have to do I feel like it’s a never ending game of tag. I am so very lucky in everything I have, with all the shit I have given up in my short life I still have a lot more than most. For that I am beyond thankful so I’ll take whatever comes next and wait and hope for the best and regardless deal with it because one way or another ill make it and this time family intact that’s a promise.

None of this makes sense to anyone outside of my brain for that I’m sorry and I wish I could put into words exactly what I’m talking about but I can’t seem to find them and this is all I could come up with hopefully next post will be better but this is my place and this is what I needed to get out. You choose to read it I don’t force you too.

-Amanda

Tomorrow

Long time no post.

I’m usually notorious for this so…you should be used to it. That being said Im sick…. Again Sinus infection. Poor mikala has Strep again and needs her tonsils out and I haven’t seen in her in a day and its already killing me.

Ali moved in with us, Its temporary until she can get either a better paying job or a roommate or both six months that’s how long she has. I am worried about things I think I was more worried before it actually happened then now. I doubt she will be around much she works late and has her own life which I’m grateful for but I worry I’ll be sucked into it…it being taking care of her and I don’t want to I just have to keep reminding myself I don’t have to it’s not my responsibility which was way easier with her living far away from me or at least in another house.

My new job is pretty good I have mandatory overtime for the next two months only four to five hours a week so I should be able to handle that the extra money will be nice as well.

It’s been four months just a few days ago its honestly been the best four months I’ve had probably ever. That being said I’m stuck in my head again I feel unworthy and almost guilty I’ve not been the best person in my past I don’t have relationship experience outside of one failed marriage and explosion of a life and that makes me want to slink away tail tucked. Somewhere in my head I know better I know the shit I’ve put up with was preparing me in a way for this teaching me not to take it for granted the good.. not to focus on the bad because if I do it will end badly for everyone.

I wish I had the words to express how grateful I am how much my little family means to me. How much Michael does.. but words seem to fail when you try and put that down because no matter what I say no matter how I put it, it just doesn’t feel like it’s enough. Ayden has a dad that he loves a home that is secure because we make it that way routine and so much love and a sister. I have everything I have ever wanted or hoped for and then some and I’m lost as to what to say other than thank you!

I guess I better get back to work.

-Manda

Hello

Its been awhile, Almost a month maybe? A lot has happened some wonderful things and some not so wonderful things.

I am beyond happy to report that i am engaged!! yes i know its gone fast... what can i say? nothing really I'm happier then i have ever been and i don't want to ever lose that.

I started my new job so far so good I'm done with training and actually go out on the floor on Tuesday so wish me luck there. Ali's dad sold her house and it looks like she will temporarily be moving in with us in our unfinished basement. I'm not sure how temporary it really will be and that scares me i don't want it messing with the life I'm building but then i feel guilty because i should be more willing to help her. We have a plan to talk about a deadline on the move out date though so that helps my anxiety.

The kids seem to be terrors as soon as we get them back from their other houses and it makes us anxious and a bit stressed i think. We just have rules and structure and expect certain things from them and at the other houses they don't. We picked out their Halloween costumes ayden is a Ninja and Mikala a Vampire i will post pictures from Halloween. I never really dress up and i want to this year because i did last and Michael usually does but i want us to be something that kind of matches. I just feel huge and like a cow and am afraid to fit into anything really. My insecurity is showing today.

Alright well ill try to post more soonish.

-Amanda

Thursday

I guess its been a couple days..

I had a pretty bad asthma attack that started mid day Tuesday.. Ok thats a lie i woke up at 4 am that morning not able to breath and ignored it. anyways so it really got to me about noonish Tuesday and didnt stop finally i decided to ask to leave which they let me because apparently my lack of oxygen was apparent on my face go figure. So i went home shaking before i even did a treatment desperately trying not to pass out and did a breathing treatment and half fell asleep for an hour then showered and did another and another.

My sweet boyfriend bought me avengers and picked up the kids and fed them and me and bought me a new iPhone case..im spoiled and i love him and he didn't have to do any of it for me to love him. Plus i think he took the hint after i mentioned for the fourth time that day that avengers came out even through my i cant breath haze... haha. We watched it last night with ali and the kids ayden loved it mikala bounced around it obviously wasn't something she really enjoyed. Maybe one day? i dunno i liked that stuff at her age.

Ali might take both kids tomorrow which I'm bouncing between excited and sad that they would both be gone..

In other news if i could walk out of this job right now i would. But then id feel guilty because the money is easy and all i have to do is sit here for two more days...but i don't wanna. I keep getting projects put on my desk.. i mean really i have a day to do them?! why?! oh well whatever.

Ill update tomorrow.

- Amanda

Kids

I was really happy Friday. Until about mid afternoon when mikala's mom decided she was going to go after Michael and use me to hurt him. I knew there was a reason i couldn't stand her in high school and we only hung out a few times when the kids were babies..

It wasn't what she said about me that hurt because i know none of it was true it was the fact that i realized how very much i love Mikala i knew i loved her i just didn't fully realize until the prospect of me not being able to see her set in. It was like a giant kick to the heart, Made worse by the fact that i have no legal rights to her and I'm not her mom. But i love her and id fight for her until her mom gave in or i died which ever came first.

Her mom seems to be backing down and wants 50/50 and that's fine i can deal with that because like i said I'm not her mom and i cant keep her 100% of the time even though i desperately want too. The kids might drive me nuts every day with their fighting or being completely hyper but i wouldn't trade it for the world.

So.. Ali is being good with ayden even stepping up to help me with an appointment he has tomorrow not that she is going to show up for it but that she will pick him up from me so i don't have to miss more than an hour of work not that i mind missing more from this place but i really need the money and if it were not for that id be long gone.

So ill update more later there are things i could post but right now don't have the time for!

-Amanda

Verdict?!

I got the job! Yeah jump up and down with me!... Yes i might have done exactly that when she offered me the position..Maybe not though?! Whatever no one saw me even if i did. I also received a bit of a raise going to this new place of employment not too much but enough and the pay days are twice a month rather than bi-weekly which will take getting used too.

My soon to be ex boss is a giant fat cow and needs to take a flying leap off a very large cliff. To say i hate her is probably an understatement im not sure how one person can be such a hateful monster and still be living. True story id tell you all the things she did to me but its not worth my time or energy im choosing to be happy to let it go but i hope she lives with it forever.

Ali is coming over again tonight to hang out with ayden and have dinner i am making Tatomess and if you really want to know i will tell you what it is exactly that requires a comment though and trust me its SO good. Anyways Because of this carb overload i will be partaking in i wont be eating today... like at all plus Ive gained a bit of weight which makes me feel like a fat cow. An ugly huge fat cow...It might have something to do with I'm trying to fight getting strep/a cold?! i dunno.

In other news i have fallen in love with this little monster of a kitty she thinks shes a dog and that's perfect because i suspect that i am pawning my kassie love onto her and i love Ruger see picture below but he cant just be snatched up and held. Her name is carrot and her sister is bunny and looks just like her just slightly different Mikala named them but id totally own those names myself so eh..

Rugar and carrot.. see how could you not love that face?! He does make it hard when he runs off and wont come back that's really his only downfall and that hes not so smart but the dumb might make him cuter? I dunno.

I will leave you with the cuteness of our kids! Have a good Thursday!
-Amanda

Nothing

No one reads this blog and for that im mostly grateful, You know unless it was way popular and i could make money off of it and take my children too school everyday..

I stayed home today.. yeah i shouldn't but i did anyways will get to that later. So i dropped ayden off at school and i got there almost right after Mikala got there from daycare and i got to hug them both and watch them walk into school and it was the best feeling ever and i want more of that but that's the price i will forever pay not having an education or you know a decent job. Ok that's a little harsh i have a good job i have a shitty boss and management and at least i have a job so i am thankful for that.

I interviewed last week for a better paying job a better job in general i did great the first interview not so great the second and they checked my references...i still haven't heard from them and im trying to be optimistic but im not sure how much longer i can be.

I got stupid drunk on Saturday which happened to be Mikala's Sixth birthday party. Yes i win bad mom of the year for that one and owe Michael a lot for putting up with me that night and every other after it. Anyways i think that's it for now.. thanks for reading?!

-Amanda

...

I am in a very emotionally vulnerable place right now, My mental state took a hit yesterday and put me in a funk that I'm having a really hard time shaking my brain takes over and i start over thinking and anything you say to me makes me feel like everything really is going to fall apart.

Ill shake it it just sucks while I'm in it. Ayden is with Ali today and i think that's probably for the best because I'm lost and not sure what to say to her and he is good at making us both melt and not fight. I love her and I'm torn because i have no idea what I'm supposed to do next I'm trying to make everything all better and i don't know if i can and i don't want to lose whats mine and I'm so fucking scared. None of this makes sense and i might contemplate going into further detail later but right now its hard enough for me to focus..

Ill post sometime soon.

-Amanda

Tuesday

My insecurities get the best of me sometimes, then again if yours don't id say you are doing something wrong. I have one ex to deal with and well...as odd as that whole situation is its just one. I knew i would have to deal with ex's and i have handled this all pretty well im just insecure about being around the most recent. I feel like I'm somewhere i shouldn't be like she was there first lived in the same house had her kid there just like i have mine.. i don't know its stupid and i know it is and im not dwelling on it but im just putting it out there.

Ive never thought i was anything more than just pretty probably due to the fact that people are always say oh you are so pretty. Thanks. when you say it in that tone it makes me want to smack you and cry. its almost like an insult when people say it as an after thought. Beautiful until the last two months i could count on one hand how many times id been called that. Now i couldn't tell you how many times Michael has told me that. Maybe im starting to believe it? i think i am...It helps the above insecurities. Or rather all of them.

I need my confidence today i have a final interview..with the director of the department Ive been interviewing for and then a meeting with HR and I'm nervous and i need to not be and i probably will be right up until i go in and sit down and start talking because at that point i block it all out. Anyways my point being wish me luck! Also is there anyone out there who even reads this? and if so any questions for me?

-Amanda

Goodmorning

I woke up with two very handsome boys in my bed. (not a slut stop thinking like that perverts!) It was pretty much the best thing ever to wake up too.. Only we were missing mikala.

I have been generally happy with the slight exception of some stress coming via the way of the other parent to ayden. Shes saying she is going to move out of state and i know if she does she wont see ayden and that breaks my heart I'm so tired of fighting and feeding into the latest drama i cant do it. I wont do it my life isn't perfect it never will be but its perfect for me no matter what comes up ill deal with it.. We will deal with it and knowing I'm not alone is huge.

See my crazy pills are working... or maybe my brain is just working.. Who knows if i think too hard about it i might explode that's good for no one.

I suppose ill end this post as i started it with the overwhelming knowledge that i love my little family so much and I'm so happy and i love them all sooo much!

-Manda