I make no sense.

Remember that fish tank i mentioned a few days ago? Its feeling a little Murky. A muddled mess of crap.

Im not trying to be a downer. Maybe i am. Really though i don't feel like im trying to be this way.

With Santa Claus on his way in less than 24 hours i should be happy and excited and i was until i woke up at 3 am and couldn't get back to sleep. I think im broken a shattered fragment of who i used to be. I wanted all these things in life it feels like decades ago rather than just a couple years. I don't want them anymore. Sure a part of me wants to be loved again a shared responsibility for things like grocery's gas etc. But the other bigger part of me knows it wont happen because nothing will ever be the same.

Lets be honest no matter how my life went down in the last two years i was going to change. It happens we all do it,were fickle creatures. Some of us just make it out with a bit more help.

Id like to think im strong that im dealing with this whole mess in a positive way and i know i am trying my best. Its just to the point in my life of thinking "what are people going to think now?" what kind of shit am i going to put up with from family or friends this time regarding my decisions i feel like im under a microscope. My situation is not normal and its not honestly all that common so don't tell me it is your bullshitting yourself not me.

I have a five year old and have been single for 2 years now and still living with my ex who is transgendered. No im not a lesbian. No i don't have a fetish. NO you cant meet her unless i like you. No im not an idiot. No im not desperate. NO i don't like you so shut up! Seriously. I didn't have to brunt this i really really didn't i could have chosen to walk away long ago leaving her to her devices. Leaving her to struggle and deal with this alone. But to get shit from my family for her life is not what i envisioned im not messed up im just helping a friend out so she can be the best parent she can to OUR child.

-Manda

No Point.

I don't know why i think the things i do. For example driving home my mind suddenly goes too what if i die right now? what then? Will my son remember me? Will my life matter? the answer to the latter is no. I feel like a fish in a fish tank aimlessly swimming from side to side.

As i sit here and do yet another breathing treatment because this god forsaken valley cant get a decent snow storm and the scum in the atmosphere has settled over my house successfully making my lungs decompress and ache and literally want to stop working. I wonder mostly in my head just what the hell im doing with my life?

I pretty much have no point to this post..

Ok maybe i do.

I am LOST.

-Manda

Why i have an Ali Not a Daddy

You are five years old you throw temper tantrums that bring the world to a complete halt. When explaining things you love to use the word actually with a cute little accent on it. You are smart and special and so very loved.

When you asked me. No told me it was your fault that you don’t have a daddy that all ali had to do was cut her hair and be your daddy I couldn’t think of anything to do but cry. It’s not your fault it’s never your fault and you just don’t understand that. Ali held you and told you how loved you are and that this our lives none of it is in any way your fault i cried some more.

My choices, My life has brought this upon you. I want nothing more than for you to have a daddy i love you so much id give you the world. But there is nothing wrong with having a mom and an ali. People may not understand it like it or want to be around it but it’s ok. Other people have two daddy's and two mommy's no family is perfect. All i wanted for you my whole life was perfect. That’s all i ever wanted.

I love you sweet boy i love you SO much.