Presents.

With the holidays come and gone and within the hectic that was Christmas I was constantly reminded just how far I have come and just how lucky I am.

Why anyone would give up on everything I have with Michael makes me seriously wonder about people's sanity. I understand not being happy though I've been there done that and if its not meant to be it won't be no matter how hard you try.

I am so happy like stupid happy and grateful and did I mention happy?! Well I am. I understand its always going to be work to some extent remember who I am. So don't judge and think I've lost it trust me I'm fully aware I'm just amazed at how perfect we really are for each other I never ever thought anything like this was even a remote possibility for anyone let alone me.

So with that being said I am going to scamper off and finish working for the day (barf) and go home to my little family.

-Manda

Not for you.

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like kicking a puppy off a cliff? a really cute fluffy adorable one? Yeah thats today... it didnt start off that way but it seems to be ending that way.

I feel like i am in a tunnel of trying to live down my past and someone else's while silently crying. Its probably just a bad day, or something. Im happy i really am but i just feel like i can do anything right i cant be sad i cant be angry i cant go inside my head and try to figure out how to process things when ive been doing it that way for years its been my coping mechanism without being accused of being unhappy. I feel like im fighting a losing battle some days.. and today my strategy at dealing with these things is to cry. I dont like doing it im not necessarily proud of it but im not sure what else to do.

So the happy of this week?! thanksgiving was wonderful with my new in laws, Ayden turned 6 and we had a wonderful day i kept the kids home and we hung out and did projects and i cleaned. I only had to work two days which makes me happy because i just wanted to spend the time with my family which is going..kinda split time between other parents and work for michael kinda eats into that but i understand its just how things are and im not resentful of it. Its just an adjustment for me.

Im going to go now i just needed to vent.

-Amanda

No idea.

Life seems to know how to hit you when you’re down and when you’re not, it never fails to smack you back into reality. I’ve probably been too happy for too long? Well suck it life because im still happy. This is me sticking my tongue out at you, I’m stronger then you give me credit for and even if I have to keep telling myself that I’m still coming out on top this time I will NOT allow you to swallow me again we’ve played this game once and it took me awhile to realize how to fight back not this time.

Game on.

I kind of had to get that out my brain is on overload the things I want are contradicting with the things I have to do I feel like it’s a never ending game of tag. I am so very lucky in everything I have, with all the shit I have given up in my short life I still have a lot more than most. For that I am beyond thankful so I’ll take whatever comes next and wait and hope for the best and regardless deal with it because one way or another ill make it and this time family intact that’s a promise.

None of this makes sense to anyone outside of my brain for that I’m sorry and I wish I could put into words exactly what I’m talking about but I can’t seem to find them and this is all I could come up with hopefully next post will be better but this is my place and this is what I needed to get out. You choose to read it I don’t force you too.

-Amanda

Tomorrow

Long time no post.

I’m usually notorious for this so…you should be used to it. That being said Im sick…. Again Sinus infection. Poor mikala has Strep again and needs her tonsils out and I haven’t seen in her in a day and its already killing me.

Ali moved in with us, Its temporary until she can get either a better paying job or a roommate or both six months that’s how long she has. I am worried about things I think I was more worried before it actually happened then now. I doubt she will be around much she works late and has her own life which I’m grateful for but I worry I’ll be sucked into it…it being taking care of her and I don’t want to I just have to keep reminding myself I don’t have to it’s not my responsibility which was way easier with her living far away from me or at least in another house.

My new job is pretty good I have mandatory overtime for the next two months only four to five hours a week so I should be able to handle that the extra money will be nice as well.

It’s been four months just a few days ago its honestly been the best four months I’ve had probably ever. That being said I’m stuck in my head again I feel unworthy and almost guilty I’ve not been the best person in my past I don’t have relationship experience outside of one failed marriage and explosion of a life and that makes me want to slink away tail tucked. Somewhere in my head I know better I know the shit I’ve put up with was preparing me in a way for this teaching me not to take it for granted the good.. not to focus on the bad because if I do it will end badly for everyone.

I wish I had the words to express how grateful I am how much my little family means to me. How much Michael does.. but words seem to fail when you try and put that down because no matter what I say no matter how I put it, it just doesn’t feel like it’s enough. Ayden has a dad that he loves a home that is secure because we make it that way routine and so much love and a sister. I have everything I have ever wanted or hoped for and then some and I’m lost as to what to say other than thank you!

I guess I better get back to work.

-Manda

Hello

Its been awhile, Almost a month maybe? A lot has happened some wonderful things and some not so wonderful things.

I am beyond happy to report that i am engaged!! yes i know its gone fast... what can i say? nothing really I'm happier then i have ever been and i don't want to ever lose that.

I started my new job so far so good I'm done with training and actually go out on the floor on Tuesday so wish me luck there. Ali's dad sold her house and it looks like she will temporarily be moving in with us in our unfinished basement. I'm not sure how temporary it really will be and that scares me i don't want it messing with the life I'm building but then i feel guilty because i should be more willing to help her. We have a plan to talk about a deadline on the move out date though so that helps my anxiety.

The kids seem to be terrors as soon as we get them back from their other houses and it makes us anxious and a bit stressed i think. We just have rules and structure and expect certain things from them and at the other houses they don't. We picked out their Halloween costumes ayden is a Ninja and Mikala a Vampire i will post pictures from Halloween. I never really dress up and i want to this year because i did last and Michael usually does but i want us to be something that kind of matches. I just feel huge and like a cow and am afraid to fit into anything really. My insecurity is showing today.

Alright well ill try to post more soonish.

-Amanda

Thursday

I guess its been a couple days..

I had a pretty bad asthma attack that started mid day Tuesday.. Ok thats a lie i woke up at 4 am that morning not able to breath and ignored it. anyways so it really got to me about noonish Tuesday and didnt stop finally i decided to ask to leave which they let me because apparently my lack of oxygen was apparent on my face go figure. So i went home shaking before i even did a treatment desperately trying not to pass out and did a breathing treatment and half fell asleep for an hour then showered and did another and another.

My sweet boyfriend bought me avengers and picked up the kids and fed them and me and bought me a new iPhone case..im spoiled and i love him and he didn't have to do any of it for me to love him. Plus i think he took the hint after i mentioned for the fourth time that day that avengers came out even through my i cant breath haze... haha. We watched it last night with ali and the kids ayden loved it mikala bounced around it obviously wasn't something she really enjoyed. Maybe one day? i dunno i liked that stuff at her age.

Ali might take both kids tomorrow which I'm bouncing between excited and sad that they would both be gone..

In other news if i could walk out of this job right now i would. But then id feel guilty because the money is easy and all i have to do is sit here for two more days...but i don't wanna. I keep getting projects put on my desk.. i mean really i have a day to do them?! why?! oh well whatever.

Ill update tomorrow.

- Amanda

Kids

I was really happy Friday. Until about mid afternoon when mikala's mom decided she was going to go after Michael and use me to hurt him. I knew there was a reason i couldn't stand her in high school and we only hung out a few times when the kids were babies..

It wasn't what she said about me that hurt because i know none of it was true it was the fact that i realized how very much i love Mikala i knew i loved her i just didn't fully realize until the prospect of me not being able to see her set in. It was like a giant kick to the heart, Made worse by the fact that i have no legal rights to her and I'm not her mom. But i love her and id fight for her until her mom gave in or i died which ever came first.

Her mom seems to be backing down and wants 50/50 and that's fine i can deal with that because like i said I'm not her mom and i cant keep her 100% of the time even though i desperately want too. The kids might drive me nuts every day with their fighting or being completely hyper but i wouldn't trade it for the world.

So.. Ali is being good with ayden even stepping up to help me with an appointment he has tomorrow not that she is going to show up for it but that she will pick him up from me so i don't have to miss more than an hour of work not that i mind missing more from this place but i really need the money and if it were not for that id be long gone.

So ill update more later there are things i could post but right now don't have the time for!

-Amanda