Weeks. Months. Years.

Last week was a swirling pile of despair lightly sprinkled with paranoia and hate. I'm not even exaggerating. My life seems to suck me in turn me upside down shake violently and then let me fall on my head.

That sick feeling you cant break the shock of something traumatic taking hold and not letting go. Its horrible unbearable and you cant think speak or function in an appropriate manner. I NEVER wanted to feel that again and i did last week. I think im still reeling from it a bit my mind hasn't fully regained function and im running on what little sanity i have left because i don't have an option for a break or a minute or to breath because that same life that kicks me when im down is the only one i have and i have a child to take care of.

Im not allowed weakness and when i am weak i feel nothing but shame and self hate for maybe not being available enough for that little guy that always needs me.

-Manda

Saving Sasha

I never ever ever do things like this if you read my blog you know that.

With that being said im doing this.

My uncles dog was diagnosed with cancer and they are able to get her treatment but cancer treatment in general is expensive Please check out her facebook page Here And or donate at Here Even if you dont please tag it in a tweet post it to your facebook please just pass along the word!

Thank You

-Manda

Boy

They tell you that you are not a parent until you think you’re a bad one and that it’s ok to think that because if you don’t you might actually be a bad one.

It sounds stupid, Its true.

Little boy you are my favorite person in the whole wide world. Even when I’m crying and begging you to take your medicine because holding you down just feels wrong and crossing a line id rather cry and let you know that i care than to show no emotion at all.

I feel like everyday every decision i make might be the wrong one and I’m scared every day that one day you will hate me. That you may never want to be around me again. But i love you. I want you to always know i love you and I’m sure ill eventually screw you up or i already have and im sorry for that. I wish i could be perfect you deserve perfect and I’m just not.

But i love you Please always remember i love you.

It will get better

"hang in there it will get better"

Weve all heard it read it hoped it. But does it? I mean really does it ever just get better and we live contentley or are we moving from one major disater to the next. A few wrong desicions away from losing it all?

I want there to be a happy ending to be in love again to have someone to rely on who loves me back. But im bogged down by the sheer terror that it would never last anyways so it not worth my time. That nagging hateful voice in the back of your head that wants you to be miserable forever.

Do you ever get that sinking feeling?

-Manda

Remember me?

Do you remember me? Because i don't. I cant recall the person i aspired to be the person i thought id be. The person who was going to do something anything with her life.

DO i regret it? It would be a total lie to say no. But not really is acceptable, i don't feel stronger or braver or anything more than i was but im happy knowing i made such a beautiful boy. I have a good job (with the exception of a good boss)i may not have everything i want or need but i have enough and ayden has more than enough.

Worry Wart

I worry and stress and obsess over everything no matter how many times you tell me its ok and how many times i ask the question and get a straight or not so straight answer like let it go answer i don't. To the point im sick and tired and cant sleep and cant eat and cant breath.

I need a Xanax i don't have and i want this whole bankruptcy losing house thing to be over with already but at the same time i don't want to rush it if we cant stay in the house longer for free and i don't want to do anything in the mean time to srew up the bankruptcy.

Someone make it stop.

I make no sense.

Remember that fish tank i mentioned a few days ago? Its feeling a little Murky. A muddled mess of crap.

Im not trying to be a downer. Maybe i am. Really though i don't feel like im trying to be this way.

With Santa Claus on his way in less than 24 hours i should be happy and excited and i was until i woke up at 3 am and couldn't get back to sleep. I think im broken a shattered fragment of who i used to be. I wanted all these things in life it feels like decades ago rather than just a couple years. I don't want them anymore. Sure a part of me wants to be loved again a shared responsibility for things like grocery's gas etc. But the other bigger part of me knows it wont happen because nothing will ever be the same.

Lets be honest no matter how my life went down in the last two years i was going to change. It happens we all do it,were fickle creatures. Some of us just make it out with a bit more help.

Id like to think im strong that im dealing with this whole mess in a positive way and i know i am trying my best. Its just to the point in my life of thinking "what are people going to think now?" what kind of shit am i going to put up with from family or friends this time regarding my decisions i feel like im under a microscope. My situation is not normal and its not honestly all that common so don't tell me it is your bullshitting yourself not me.

I have a five year old and have been single for 2 years now and still living with my ex who is transgendered. No im not a lesbian. No i don't have a fetish. NO you cant meet her unless i like you. No im not an idiot. No im not desperate. NO i don't like you so shut up! Seriously. I didn't have to brunt this i really really didn't i could have chosen to walk away long ago leaving her to her devices. Leaving her to struggle and deal with this alone. But to get shit from my family for her life is not what i envisioned im not messed up im just helping a friend out so she can be the best parent she can to OUR child.

-Manda