I wish i may, I wish i might.

Do the things i long to in life, Getting a family was part of that goal. We all see how that went down the shitter for me. I hope the rest of you have better luck, I really do have my days these last few haven't been good for me i need to get out of the house and see the people i have been meaning to see!

Ayden needs a play date and I'm fairly certain will go over to his babysitters sometime this week even though this week is half way over.

I need a job desperately and one that pays half decent I'm not sure where i will find such a thing. I'm honestly really thinking of doing daycare during the day out of the house and then going to school at night.. why not I'm only almost 2 months behind on my house payment not that they will do anything for another month or so. hopefully. I have never done this so i don't know and it might not even be two months only a month and a half lol. Anyways i guess the point is i only have a few weeks left on unemployment and i pray if nothing else the goverment extends it or i find something great either one would work great for me.

I could use a break...i could use some good in my life and i know i wont get it unless i go out and get it. Well thats all.

I am not generally a mean person.

With the exception of a few who would disagree with that statement. I honestly do believe I'm not mean judgemental or Ignorant by any means. But people piss me off. That said i again will refer to my favorite quote one day ill probably get it tattooed somewhere i kid but maybe not.

"The only thing more expensive then Education is Ignorance." Benjamin Franklin

Smartest man ever, who knows what his wife would say but in terms of not knowing him and knowing about him i stand by my smartest man ever statement.

Anyways i was on face book. The bain of my existence, and a boy i call him a boy because that's how i now see him anyways this boy i went to high school with decides to post something stupid about his first new teacher in college is a transgendered person. everyone picks on his spelling errors and ignores his ignorance. he deletes the post and posts about everyone attaching his spelling and ignoring the problem. what problem? what action would you have us take? i referred him to my favorite quote and asked him if he wanted everyone to attack someone for being themselves why didn't he have the nerve to come out and just say that. Morons.

My mother gave me a very great compliment a month or so ago. I told her i had been asked out and she asked if he was moron and i said no i don't think i could deal with that. And she told me i think your far to liberal and open minded to ever get along with someone like that. she said I'm not being mean i think its a very good thing and i wish i could be more like that. a very contrast compliment to one i received earlier that i was closed minded. I believe i am the very opposite of close minded. I hope to raise my son with the same open minded values to never judge anyone based upon any personal preference.

So im done ranting. have a wonderful evening.

The Holidays

So my holidays were not in general particularly painful. But they were different and i can say i miss my old life. The one i wanted anyways.

Its time to move on i know this you know this my dog definitely knows this since she gets all my excess loving i seem to have in abundance these days. It wont be easy, it never is. My life is one extreme to the next one high to the next low but ill make it. Because I'm bigger then this and no not my ass but ill give you that one and agree with you to boot.

Somehow...sometime the pain will stop and maybe ill be able to look at another man and honestly think maybe him? because i cant right now, I'm not even slightly ready for that i have been with one person and i never wanted to be with anyone else that's a hard habit to break.

Sweet Kisses on my arm.

My son is the only thing that brings me back to life for brief seconds moments minutes...He took my arm and kissed up and down it. And told me he loved me. The joy i felt in that moment is unmatched to anything else in this world. I picked him up and he giggled and squirmed and i kissed him all over and he kissed my arm again just to get the same reaction out of me. He loves it when were happy together just as i love it.

those moments are worth a million lifetimes...they are priceless. Words do them no justice.

Sad.

One word.

Im pretty sure one word cant sum up the scope of my utterly mockery of a life, but sad fits better then anything else i could possibly come up with.

I feel utter sadness at his relief his joy, his freedom. Because im lost wondering around in a circle that i cant seem to break one that im not sure im capable of breaking. I Could lie to you and tell you im doing better. But that really depends on the day.

Alot of my sadness comes from the fact that im alone in my pain, even in this he cant join me. Because he will never feel the hurt the pain and the life he has taken from me. Not even the life really but the love. The love that was obviously not shared. I cant imagin inflicting this much pain and being able to feel relief over it. but i guess i wouldnt understand because i wasnt stuck in a life I never wanted a life i felt i never put say into.

Believe me i tried, i fought long and hard for this life ever waking moment was to make them happy...it was for them because all i wanted was someone who loved me and family with them.

Thank you

For taking that away from me.

Better Late than never

There are so many things i wish i could say but feel like i can't. I can however tell you that I am getting a divorce. This is probably the saddest and hardest time of my short life. This is not a path i would wish upon anyone i keep thinking its just my luck, sometimes i really believe that. But i know beyond knowing that i would work on it i would go to the ends of the earth to fix this but its not something i can fix.

I can't make someone love me. I cant force him to want to work on it either to give it an actual chance. I do love him i will always love him and knowing that he doesn't love me the same way hurts. I'm in a a lot of pain, a lot of sadness. People keep telling me you are so strong you will get through this your smart it will be OK. I know one day it will be ok i know that. ONE DAY its going to be awhile. Truth is I'm not that strong or brave or smart. I always had David to rely on for moral support. now I'm going to be a single mother trying to support me and my child and i don't want to be the mom working 3 jobs to do that. Selfish and stupid of me but i want to be be able to spend time with my son.

I have to go back to school and i have a real chance right now, the same day all this happened is the same day i lost my job. Good news is i received unemployment for how long I'm not to sure at least another 4 and a half months. after that I'm not sure what ill do... I'm not sure what i want to do.

For those of you that read this I'm sorry for not updating often and I'm sorry my tone has changed i was being upbeat and happy and some days i may have that in me and others i might not. So please bare with me.

Health care...

That's right I am going there, Its about time. I guess i usually have an opinion and now is no different.

Bottom line, Everyone that is a tax paying American citizen should have the unbiased right to health care.

That's it end of story. I could tell you how many times i have gone without not only because growing up i had no health insurance due to a single mother that was self employed but i wont. Or the stories about the massive medical bills while having insurance while working for my insurance company but i wont. Because its pointless, because we all have our stories for why or why not.

But until you have been through it until you have had something desperate happen where you didn't need just a bit of medical care or a time when you went without and had to weigh the options of to go or not to go i don't want to hear it. I don't. We have people dieing in our streets people that work, that have worked hard for years upon years that die because they are untreated. things they should never die from. We are not a third world country this shouldn't be happening.

Everywhere else in the world being a doctor is a humanitarian job, only in America could we make a billion dollar business out of helping people who are sick from the insurance companies to the hospitals and doctors. Only us....