There are so many things i wish i could say but feel like i can't. I can however tell you that I am getting a divorce. This is probably the saddest and hardest time of my short life. This is not a path i would wish upon anyone i keep thinking its just my luck, sometimes i really believe that. But i know beyond knowing that i would work on it i would go to the ends of the earth to fix this but its not something i can fix.
I can't make someone love me. I cant force him to want to work on it either to give it an actual chance. I do love him i will always love him and knowing that he doesn't love me the same way hurts. I'm in a a lot of pain, a lot of sadness. People keep telling me you are so strong you will get through this your smart it will be OK. I know one day it will be ok i know that. ONE DAY its going to be awhile. Truth is I'm not that strong or brave or smart. I always had David to rely on for moral support. now I'm going to be a single mother trying to support me and my child and i don't want to be the mom working 3 jobs to do that. Selfish and stupid of me but i want to be be able to spend time with my son.
I have to go back to school and i have a real chance right now, the same day all this happened is the same day i lost my job. Good news is i received unemployment for how long I'm not to sure at least another 4 and a half months. after that I'm not sure what ill do... I'm not sure what i want to do.
For those of you that read this I'm sorry for not updating often and I'm sorry my tone has changed i was being upbeat and happy and some days i may have that in me and others i might not. So please bare with me.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Health care...
That's right I am going there, Its about time. I guess i usually have an opinion and now is no different.
Bottom line, Everyone that is a tax paying American citizen should have the unbiased right to health care.
That's it end of story. I could tell you how many times i have gone without not only because growing up i had no health insurance due to a single mother that was self employed but i wont. Or the stories about the massive medical bills while having insurance while working for my insurance company but i wont. Because its pointless, because we all have our stories for why or why not.
But until you have been through it until you have had something desperate happen where you didn't need just a bit of medical care or a time when you went without and had to weigh the options of to go or not to go i don't want to hear it. I don't. We have people dieing in our streets people that work, that have worked hard for years upon years that die because they are untreated. things they should never die from. We are not a third world country this shouldn't be happening.
Everywhere else in the world being a doctor is a humanitarian job, only in America could we make a billion dollar business out of helping people who are sick from the insurance companies to the hospitals and doctors. Only us....
Bottom line, Everyone that is a tax paying American citizen should have the unbiased right to health care.
That's it end of story. I could tell you how many times i have gone without not only because growing up i had no health insurance due to a single mother that was self employed but i wont. Or the stories about the massive medical bills while having insurance while working for my insurance company but i wont. Because its pointless, because we all have our stories for why or why not.
But until you have been through it until you have had something desperate happen where you didn't need just a bit of medical care or a time when you went without and had to weigh the options of to go or not to go i don't want to hear it. I don't. We have people dieing in our streets people that work, that have worked hard for years upon years that die because they are untreated. things they should never die from. We are not a third world country this shouldn't be happening.
Everywhere else in the world being a doctor is a humanitarian job, only in America could we make a billion dollar business out of helping people who are sick from the insurance companies to the hospitals and doctors. Only us....
Sunday, September 13, 2009
I know right...
It has been awhile i know... shit has gone down and i wish beyond wishing that i could fill you in. But i cant expressing the things going wrong online would only bring undo attention from those i cant afford to have the attention from. does that make sense? Probably not.
Just know its getting better, I'm getting better and this is a journey I'm making for myself and no one else.... at least that's what i keep telling myself.
Just know its getting better, I'm getting better and this is a journey I'm making for myself and no one else.... at least that's what i keep telling myself.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Late at night..
Child is asleep, mommy has had a few drinks and her brain is working overtime. Funny how that works you drink to unwind and you end up over thinking and getting emotional about everything.
I'm lame i understand that, I'm part mom part tyrant. I'm watching late night MTV i never watch this station i suppose it says something for my inebriated self.
Anyways i think i have a point my point is that were all fucked up and i would really like to hear from everyone and anyone who feels like not such a great mom talk to me let me know whats going on ill listen!
I'm lame i understand that, I'm part mom part tyrant. I'm watching late night MTV i never watch this station i suppose it says something for my inebriated self.
Anyways i think i have a point my point is that were all fucked up and i would really like to hear from everyone and anyone who feels like not such a great mom talk to me let me know whats going on ill listen!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
So sorry..
Is there even a place to start? i was doing so good then i up and dissapeared. Im a horrible person i know. get over it i have.
Anyways, lets see another person at work got fired i got put on overtime and training a new person for 4 weeks. also my IT guys at work have been blocking everything so i cant even get on here on my lunch. Asshole i know. i agree. Anyways so yesterday i was told this new person is learning my job he needs to be "an expert" at it and i quote only funny thing? He isn't learning the old girls job or anyone elses. hmm i feel a push coming so now i am in desperate search of a new job which right now we all know blows.
With no education besides high school and my thorough fuck up in not going before i had a child. i don't regret him i regret not going to school to provide better for him. I am not only trying to find a job but i am also trying to look at what i want to do when i grow up? i keep saying that and people keep laughing but its true. i have not a mother loving clue what i want to do. I'm lost and it sucks. anyways any suggestions would be appreciated not that anyone reads this. but there is your update on that.
Anyways, lets see another person at work got fired i got put on overtime and training a new person for 4 weeks. also my IT guys at work have been blocking everything so i cant even get on here on my lunch. Asshole i know. i agree. Anyways so yesterday i was told this new person is learning my job he needs to be "an expert" at it and i quote only funny thing? He isn't learning the old girls job or anyone elses. hmm i feel a push coming so now i am in desperate search of a new job which right now we all know blows.
With no education besides high school and my thorough fuck up in not going before i had a child. i don't regret him i regret not going to school to provide better for him. I am not only trying to find a job but i am also trying to look at what i want to do when i grow up? i keep saying that and people keep laughing but its true. i have not a mother loving clue what i want to do. I'm lost and it sucks. anyways any suggestions would be appreciated not that anyone reads this. but there is your update on that.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Jealousy
Jealousy, Is a horrible horrible emotion. One that you always say no I would never be jealous of that. I have to be happy with who I am what I have done etc.
It’s really not true is it? Were jealous by nature that’s what we are. Always wanting what others have. Wishing you had waited a year to buy a house. Point being me. Wishing you had been smarter with you money. Went to school whatever it is you look at a friend a family member and say I want what they have.
Trying to convince yourself that everything you did was right for you isn’t always the easiest thing. Sometimes it hurts more then it helps sometimes you just need to own up to your mistakes. I don’t believe in the everything happens for a reason bull shit. Everything happens because you as a person make a conscious decision or another person makes a decision that affects you.
I’m being a self loathing monster today don’t mine me.
It’s really not true is it? Were jealous by nature that’s what we are. Always wanting what others have. Wishing you had waited a year to buy a house. Point being me. Wishing you had been smarter with you money. Went to school whatever it is you look at a friend a family member and say I want what they have.
Trying to convince yourself that everything you did was right for you isn’t always the easiest thing. Sometimes it hurts more then it helps sometimes you just need to own up to your mistakes. I don’t believe in the everything happens for a reason bull shit. Everything happens because you as a person make a conscious decision or another person makes a decision that affects you.
I’m being a self loathing monster today don’t mine me.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
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