Smash

I feel like I'm repeatedly banging my head against a metal wall. Metal because its shiny and who honestly doesn't like shiny? That's right not you!

I am happy. I really really am. That being said I'm doing what i do best, worrying about everything all the time things i cant control and things i can. I feel guilty for being happy, for not spending as much time with Ayden as i used too. I feel like a selfish monster but i cant bring myself to stop because part of me knows its wrong and a bigger part of me knows its not.

In other news, The bankruptcy is about done and the next six years will be super fun. Good news is after the first three years i can start paying more to pay off the plan sooner. Will see where i am and what I'm doing in three years and if that's even an option. I'm seriously considering looking for a new job it took me so long to get this one though that Ive kind of lost hope.

Ali starts a new job at the end of the month that will make me a single parent about 85 percent of the time. I'm worried about that i moved so far away from my mom and all my help that i will be alone out in the middle of no where i know i can do it. I'm very capable but it doesn't change the fact that i feel like a complete failure for moving so far away i knew better. Hell i didnt even really want to do it. I don't mind the area and the house is great. I just don't love it and it doesn't feel like home.

Anyways I'm going to get back to work.

-Amanda

Scared.

More like thoroughly terrified at the prospect that im in fact in love again. For the second time in my life. And im beyond scared there is actually no words that describe the actual feeling im having.

I don't feel like running. That almost scares me more because i should be freaking out more right? have that  flight feeling that i usually get over everything.. but im not. Its not happening and i keep racking my brain trying to find it.

Im not crazy, no matter how many people i tell that to. Im really not and i know that. Or at least i keep trying to convince myself of it. IM NOT! ok im really not. But im fucking exhausted from life and the emotional roller coaster and i cant say i wont live through it because i will i know i can i just don't want to. If it happens on its own fine but to let someone in that has the potential to completely break me. Again. Is huge and scary and i over think EVERYTHING.

Im going with it. Ill see where it leads and i honestly hope for the best and expect nothing.

Two in one night.. ill be back in a lets say a month? Unless i explode then will see you sooner!

-Amanda

I have nothing

So...Long time no blog. Imagine that. Its my theme you either hear from me when im happy or sad and i muddle through the middle parts staying silent until i explode.
 
No exploding. Not right this second anyways.

 Whats new.. Hmm... Lets think... Things are new, Ok fine i have a boyfriend and he is probably going to be the only who reads this post. Well him and that one random person from Germany that reads my blog. Seriously Germany?!?!

 Anyways..new.. new.. Nothing really i hate my boss she hates me. Oh wait i did have a total melt down about mid june. That was fun, and slightly entertaining and frightening if you were around to watch it go down.
 I was angry my anti depressants weren't working in fact they were doing the opposite of what they should have been doing which made me that much more bat shit crazy. Good times.

 Ayden is good still causing trouble everywhere he goes. This kid knows exactly how to push my buttons and how far to push me because i don't want to yell and ive been really good not to but in my default of not yelling i just give in and give him what he wants before i freak the fuck out. Yes i am in fact a horrible parent i hope you all feel better about yourselves knowing this. That being said hes pretty much the best child ever i love him more than life and id probably curl up in a ball and give up if it were not for him.

 I filed bankruptcy finally. I go sign the papers this week. Relief and agonizing dread for the next six years. Yes six. It was only supposed to be three, ali lost hours and work and pay and god damnit WHY?! so we extended the time. I have to keep reminding myself why im here, what ive been through and where im going next and it doesnt seem as bad. For at least a few minutes.

 Well your welcome. You might see me soon. Might not. -Amanda

Remind Me

I have been reminded lately of that breath taking fear you have within the first few days of that devastating break up the sheer panic not being able to sleep eat breath. The what the fuck am i going to do now? And having no answers and it not a good time to make decisions because you are in no shape to do so. Don't worry nothing major has happened to me. But it doesn't make it any easier watching friends go through it. Not being able to say the right things or have the right answers for them. Everyone kept telling me it will get better and i wanted to scream at them hit them and scream again because i saw no way that it would ever get better. But it did. It took time yes. A lot of crying. Yes. More heart break. Yes. BUT it did get better its still getting better. I'm finally in place in my life where i want to meet people i want to date but the fear of this ever happening again scares the holy hell out of me because i survived it once i don't have it in me to survive again. At least i don't think so. I am kind of avoiding life right now which i know i shouldn't be because it can have bad effects for not only me but other people in my live. I need to call the lawyer this week i should have don't it last week. But i didn't but i will im just scared this is the last big hurdle i need to over come and im just as afraid now as i ever was before. Anyways If you need me im here and if not then you are welcome to keep reading! -Amanda

Take one

I have drafts saved from months ago. I wanted to just pull one up and post it. They are crap all of them which really isn't much different then my normal posting but i might feel a bit ashamed to post them. Where should i start? I guess with my last post. So I went to the therapist and doctor and told them i might actually explode or implode and in which case i would suck them into my black whole of doom unless they helped me cope a little. They did. And i'm OK. I'm good actually. I'm learning to let go I cant control everything and shit happens and no matter how hard i hold on its still going to fucking explode like holding a grenade? Maybe. I don't know I've never actually done that. Knowing my luck if i did it would blow up just despite me. On a pleasant note We MOVED! we got a great 3 bedroom basement out in the middle of nowhere for a great price that i would have been stupid to pass up. Its not way cheap its just as cheap as the price i was willing to pay in the city for a two bedroom. Plus its with some family so its not stranger danger or anything and ayden seems to love it. It reminds me of my childhood the smells of the lake that in our backyard. Oh did i forget to mention that. LAKE IN BACKYARD! Anyways this means ayden is learning to swim this summer something i should have had him do ages ago. Back to my point if i ever had one, I lived in the city for 17 years so its slightly killing me that i cant just drive to the store there is one store. ONE. And i either A. have to drive into the dinky town 10 miles away and shop in hill billy hell or B. i drive 15 miles into the valley and go shopping there i choose the later and maybe it might just save me money because i wont be running to the store for everything because i literally have to plan this shit out now. Will see. Time will tell. Ali had her birthday ayden got her a cake and flowers. We will file bankruptcy sometime this month once that's done.. i might be able to breath. And THAT'S when my nice bottle of wine is getting popped open and im drinking the whole damn thing! Well..Ill TRY to post sooner this time around but until then. Go google something. it fun really. I enjoy it and if i do then You SHOULD too. -Manda

Weeks. Months. Years.

Last week was a swirling pile of despair lightly sprinkled with paranoia and hate. I'm not even exaggerating. My life seems to suck me in turn me upside down shake violently and then let me fall on my head.

That sick feeling you cant break the shock of something traumatic taking hold and not letting go. Its horrible unbearable and you cant think speak or function in an appropriate manner. I NEVER wanted to feel that again and i did last week. I think im still reeling from it a bit my mind hasn't fully regained function and im running on what little sanity i have left because i don't have an option for a break or a minute or to breath because that same life that kicks me when im down is the only one i have and i have a child to take care of.

Im not allowed weakness and when i am weak i feel nothing but shame and self hate for maybe not being available enough for that little guy that always needs me.

-Manda

Saving Sasha

I never ever ever do things like this if you read my blog you know that.

With that being said im doing this.

My uncles dog was diagnosed with cancer and they are able to get her treatment but cancer treatment in general is expensive Please check out her facebook page Here And or donate at Here Even if you dont please tag it in a tweet post it to your facebook please just pass along the word!

Thank You

-Manda