Remind Me

I have been reminded lately of that breath taking fear you have within the first few days of that devastating break up the sheer panic not being able to sleep eat breath. The what the fuck am i going to do now? And having no answers and it not a good time to make decisions because you are in no shape to do so. Don't worry nothing major has happened to me. But it doesn't make it any easier watching friends go through it. Not being able to say the right things or have the right answers for them. Everyone kept telling me it will get better and i wanted to scream at them hit them and scream again because i saw no way that it would ever get better. But it did. It took time yes. A lot of crying. Yes. More heart break. Yes. BUT it did get better its still getting better. I'm finally in place in my life where i want to meet people i want to date but the fear of this ever happening again scares the holy hell out of me because i survived it once i don't have it in me to survive again. At least i don't think so. I am kind of avoiding life right now which i know i shouldn't be because it can have bad effects for not only me but other people in my live. I need to call the lawyer this week i should have don't it last week. But i didn't but i will im just scared this is the last big hurdle i need to over come and im just as afraid now as i ever was before. Anyways If you need me im here and if not then you are welcome to keep reading! -Amanda

Take one

I have drafts saved from months ago. I wanted to just pull one up and post it. They are crap all of them which really isn't much different then my normal posting but i might feel a bit ashamed to post them. Where should i start? I guess with my last post. So I went to the therapist and doctor and told them i might actually explode or implode and in which case i would suck them into my black whole of doom unless they helped me cope a little. They did. And i'm OK. I'm good actually. I'm learning to let go I cant control everything and shit happens and no matter how hard i hold on its still going to fucking explode like holding a grenade? Maybe. I don't know I've never actually done that. Knowing my luck if i did it would blow up just despite me. On a pleasant note We MOVED! we got a great 3 bedroom basement out in the middle of nowhere for a great price that i would have been stupid to pass up. Its not way cheap its just as cheap as the price i was willing to pay in the city for a two bedroom. Plus its with some family so its not stranger danger or anything and ayden seems to love it. It reminds me of my childhood the smells of the lake that in our backyard. Oh did i forget to mention that. LAKE IN BACKYARD! Anyways this means ayden is learning to swim this summer something i should have had him do ages ago. Back to my point if i ever had one, I lived in the city for 17 years so its slightly killing me that i cant just drive to the store there is one store. ONE. And i either A. have to drive into the dinky town 10 miles away and shop in hill billy hell or B. i drive 15 miles into the valley and go shopping there i choose the later and maybe it might just save me money because i wont be running to the store for everything because i literally have to plan this shit out now. Will see. Time will tell. Ali had her birthday ayden got her a cake and flowers. We will file bankruptcy sometime this month once that's done.. i might be able to breath. And THAT'S when my nice bottle of wine is getting popped open and im drinking the whole damn thing! Well..Ill TRY to post sooner this time around but until then. Go google something. it fun really. I enjoy it and if i do then You SHOULD too. -Manda

Weeks. Months. Years.

Last week was a swirling pile of despair lightly sprinkled with paranoia and hate. I'm not even exaggerating. My life seems to suck me in turn me upside down shake violently and then let me fall on my head.

That sick feeling you cant break the shock of something traumatic taking hold and not letting go. Its horrible unbearable and you cant think speak or function in an appropriate manner. I NEVER wanted to feel that again and i did last week. I think im still reeling from it a bit my mind hasn't fully regained function and im running on what little sanity i have left because i don't have an option for a break or a minute or to breath because that same life that kicks me when im down is the only one i have and i have a child to take care of.

Im not allowed weakness and when i am weak i feel nothing but shame and self hate for maybe not being available enough for that little guy that always needs me.

-Manda

Saving Sasha

I never ever ever do things like this if you read my blog you know that.

With that being said im doing this.

My uncles dog was diagnosed with cancer and they are able to get her treatment but cancer treatment in general is expensive Please check out her facebook page Here And or donate at Here Even if you dont please tag it in a tweet post it to your facebook please just pass along the word!

Thank You

-Manda

Boy

They tell you that you are not a parent until you think you’re a bad one and that it’s ok to think that because if you don’t you might actually be a bad one.

It sounds stupid, Its true.

Little boy you are my favorite person in the whole wide world. Even when I’m crying and begging you to take your medicine because holding you down just feels wrong and crossing a line id rather cry and let you know that i care than to show no emotion at all.

I feel like everyday every decision i make might be the wrong one and I’m scared every day that one day you will hate me. That you may never want to be around me again. But i love you. I want you to always know i love you and I’m sure ill eventually screw you up or i already have and im sorry for that. I wish i could be perfect you deserve perfect and I’m just not.

But i love you Please always remember i love you.

It will get better

"hang in there it will get better"

Weve all heard it read it hoped it. But does it? I mean really does it ever just get better and we live contentley or are we moving from one major disater to the next. A few wrong desicions away from losing it all?

I want there to be a happy ending to be in love again to have someone to rely on who loves me back. But im bogged down by the sheer terror that it would never last anyways so it not worth my time. That nagging hateful voice in the back of your head that wants you to be miserable forever.

Do you ever get that sinking feeling?

-Manda

Remember me?

Do you remember me? Because i don't. I cant recall the person i aspired to be the person i thought id be. The person who was going to do something anything with her life.

DO i regret it? It would be a total lie to say no. But not really is acceptable, i don't feel stronger or braver or anything more than i was but im happy knowing i made such a beautiful boy. I have a good job (with the exception of a good boss)i may not have everything i want or need but i have enough and ayden has more than enough.