HELLO

Well, well well. Its been a very long time! i survived my first semester of school and promptly took two off ill start again in the fall...

Oh! work is good. still waiting to lose the house going to see a lawyer soon and Ayden started pre-K hes being a big pain in the butt but i love him!

Ali.. My ex shes looking amazing and im so proud of her for becoming more social and just thriving in her new role in life! I can honestly say shes beautiful.

So anything else you might like to know just ask ill respond.. i promise.

Manda

Well. Hello again.

I am not really sure what to tell you? Nothing has been going on school and work and a small child running my life. I don't have time for much else.

I do really enjoy my job i just wish i made more money and the commute wasn't as shitty as it actually is. It took me 2 hours to get home yesterday granted it was a huge snow storm but still i live across the valley not however many miles away two hours is hell i could get part way to Vegas and by the time i was done i was wishing for Vegas a huge drink and warm weather. aww... Vegas. Anyways i have no news on the house. will we keep it wont we..whatever i give up. Good god i need a life.

- Manda

Im starting to wonder if i really only post.

To see myself type. Since there is apparently no no one else who reads it.

That being said. Hello! School has started and im already freaking out one week into it that i wont be able to pass.. Even though i was re-evaluated five days after i started and had already completed 30% of the class and it said i only have about 6.2 weeks left of learning... i have until the end of April. But that's just one class the other the teacher is being an idiot and still have no idea when anything is due so i assume i just start reading the two books i have one online and one i paid for from a former student because the bookstore was stocked with morons helping me and had me buy the wrong thing. I'm hoping this second class will be easy since its and introduction into Microsoft office 2007 and i have been messing with office since i was a wee one. Yes i did just say that.

Work is good i feel like i'm doing pretty good so there is that! Anyways i am bored of this so goodnight!

The end Is Near!

Well hello!

I'd like to first say Happy new year! well in about 5 and a half hours.

I can't say im sorry to see this year go! But in the same breath i kind of am because it just means i am another year older and less accomplished in life then the last year.

I have learned a lot about myself this year and i look forward to a better year ahead. Possibly a skinnier me by my birthday no new years resolution there i have been working on that shit for half a year already!

I started my job last week so far so good really wont start Real work until next week so wish me luck!

So have a safe night and instead of promising yourself something you will regret in a month promise yourself to be just that true to yourself i think that's a great goal and one you should never regret!

Love,
Manda

And The verdict?

Employed!!!!

So serious i have known for almost a week now i have been doing my happy dance since sorry i couldn't let you all bask in my glorious triumph! Muahaha. Also i had to pass a drug test which is not big deal unless you had been sick previously and had taken NyQuil a few nights before and googled if it would screw up your pee test mere hours before you had to take this test and get conflicting answers. Sigh i should know by today if i don't hear anything im having a giant drink tonight but i told both the nurses that were involved that i had taken it so...fingers crossed nothing screws this up because its an actual decent paying job i took a dollar and a little extra pay cut but its alot less then i thought i would have to take!

Im not sure what else to tell you im sleep deprived and ill update tomorrow just so everyone knows that everything went through ok!

Goodnight!

One year and One Month

More then one year actually, I would love to post good news. I REALLY REALLY need good news. I have had a lot of firsts in this last year. I feel like i have grown up and let go of a lot i stopped being the person i felt i should be and am being me.

But i have this nagging fear, and maybe I'm sabotaging myself. Maybe. But i have kind of let go this year saying oh well I'm unemployed what are they going to do take everything away and getting a job would make me responsible again...responsible for bills and things i have yes been paying but not overly stressed about because honestly there is just nothing i have been able to do about it.

So in this last year i have lost and found everything. I wish i had things Like a job and maybe more friends but I'm happy. Even though I'm stressed beyond belief its not the kind of stress my job caused. Its a stress i can deal with and have learned to deal with.

I could tell you about how I'm running out of money at a record pace, my laptop broke this week and by the grace of a very loving human being i was able to purchase a new one on their credit card putting them further in debt which i feel like scum for but its the only way i have been able to apply for jobs. I spend HOURS a day doing just that. I could tell you i was forced out of necessity to go to the food bank last week and i will be doing so again this week. Or that three days before Christmas i will run out of unemployment and i have NO idea what i am going to do.

But i KNOW i don't have to worry about my son because his father is here and he will always be fed and clothed and sheltered. Its just me and my bills me and my problems and i feel like a huge failure. I had tried so hard for so many years i worked so hard and lost everything in two weeks and its been gone a year.

I love my son more then life and i have learned to start loving myself again. Now i just need a job, and to either lose my house or not or file bankruptcy and get a divorce....my life is a mess....

Well it started off decent. sorry. really. sorry.

A thought.

More like an Epiphany? Really..i know me having one who would have thought right?

Anyways i will explain. Last week my mom had a yard sale and in the process of digging crap out of my garage to take over and sale i found my baby pictures. I was actually looking for them. They are the only ones anyone has of me and if something happened to them poof no more baby Manda. So i found them looked through them and took them to my mom to reproduce save and store.

Yeah yeah I'm getting there.

While looking at them you start to think of everything you have been through. Actually i do that quit frequently. I blame my mom. Alot. i blame her a WHOLE lot. I never tell her this i just chose to go around her when i want to. I feel an obligation to her, more of a I'm the parent obligation. I look at my grandparents as just that Parents. When my mother talks to me she asks have you talked to mom and dad. Not have you talked to grandma and grandpa. They raised me until i was 8 or 9 i block that stage out (the whole moving away not the growing up part) and then after that. I raised myself. My mother being who she is doesn't see it that way and never will even if i yelled at her or told her in a nice friendly way she would get upset and attack me. Better left alone.

Anyways yes I'm getting there. Looking at all those pictures made me breath. Made me step back and say she did the best she could. Even if her best isn't what i wanted. Maybe not what i felt i deserved but it shaped me into the strong person i am. And i pray (figure of speech i don't pray the whole god thing and all) that i turn out the way ayden needs me as a mother to be. To be everything my mother wasn't for me.

It's different for me. Mara is around, she is his "father" and i unlike my mother do NOT have to raise him alone. I never will. I hugged my mom for no reason. i sat with her and watched my son play in her backyard. She is a MUCH better Nana then a mother. But i love her. And so does ayden. She taught me things that i needed to make it through...

That being said, I was thinking on the way home from the store alone.. for once. I was thinking about how short life really is. Because I'm odd and think of things i probably shouldn't i realized we as humans never sit down and think about what if i die before Ayden graduates high school? How will he ever learn in that short time how much i loved him and all the life lessons i needed to teach him. Will i see him graduate college? get married? have children? We all just think of the future for them and say well ill be there.

What if I'm not..

Ive decided to write him letters for every stage of his life because i cant predict that ill be here... people die every day, from things you cant imagine. I hope beyond hoping that i get to be there. but if I'm not...i have things i need to tell him. Things he needs to know.

I haven't decided if i will post some of them here or not, i guess if your all interested let me know and i will otherwise ill write them and have my mom put them in that fire resistant tank proof vault she has in her house just in case.