A Big Theme with me.

Is Ignorance, In daily life i know you run across this. I know this for a fact because Half the Human race Is ignorant to the other Half.

People's Stupidity never fails to amaze me. I do mean NEVER. I have heard this said many times by many people that some people shouldn't reproduce, Breed, Procreate Etc. Its true, And i know what and who i am and people can judge me for a ray of different things. The fact that my house isn't clean every day because some days i just don't feel like cleaning it. Because sometimes i get facts wrong. whatever that's fine but i do pride myself of my knowledge of certain subjects.

But those people who complain about their children being sick for months at a time and doing little about it and then being scared that their child might die...These are people i don't understand. I doubt i ever will. I have seen so many stories about children dieing of cancer things that make you cherish the little things because life is so uncertain and to come across someone so Ignorant makes me want to use my gun rights (thank you republicans for fighting for me to be able to have a semi automatic because i honestly never thought i would have use for one in society until now) and cap a bitch. Ha.

My rant is over, lackluster i know. So until next time i heart you all!

Today Or Tomorrow.

So I have yet to decide what i am going to do, without a job and not many options i feel slightly stuck. Also waiting for new on them extending unemployment or not is stressful to say the least the deadline is Sunday and I'm hoping for news but its Thursday and we all know how the government does things.

On another note, My mother and her family went down to see my grandparents in Vegas today for the weekend. Its my grandmothers birthday on Sunday and i refused to go, my mother of course got all butt hurt saying i needed to get out of my funk. Right now my funk has nothing to do with my ending marriage and all to do with not having money or prospects for a job. Also traveling with a 3 year old for 5 hours in a car with an annoying 11 year old step brother then having to spend days with him is not my idea of a relaxing get away. I would love to see my grandparents but the thought of spending it with my nagging mother is another thing.

I talked to my grandma and she just told me they loved me and hoped i got feeling better and things would get better that i would make it out of this. My mom seems to push me like i need to do it now... you heal at your own time and dealing with her on top of what I'm dealing with is not helpful and never has been.

Anyways...I guess that's it.

I am not religious but i like this : “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

I wish i may, I wish i might.

Do the things i long to in life, Getting a family was part of that goal. We all see how that went down the shitter for me. I hope the rest of you have better luck, I really do have my days these last few haven't been good for me i need to get out of the house and see the people i have been meaning to see!

Ayden needs a play date and I'm fairly certain will go over to his babysitters sometime this week even though this week is half way over.

I need a job desperately and one that pays half decent I'm not sure where i will find such a thing. I'm honestly really thinking of doing daycare during the day out of the house and then going to school at night.. why not I'm only almost 2 months behind on my house payment not that they will do anything for another month or so. hopefully. I have never done this so i don't know and it might not even be two months only a month and a half lol. Anyways i guess the point is i only have a few weeks left on unemployment and i pray if nothing else the goverment extends it or i find something great either one would work great for me.

I could use a break...i could use some good in my life and i know i wont get it unless i go out and get it. Well thats all.

I am not generally a mean person.

With the exception of a few who would disagree with that statement. I honestly do believe I'm not mean judgemental or Ignorant by any means. But people piss me off. That said i again will refer to my favorite quote one day ill probably get it tattooed somewhere i kid but maybe not.

"The only thing more expensive then Education is Ignorance." Benjamin Franklin

Smartest man ever, who knows what his wife would say but in terms of not knowing him and knowing about him i stand by my smartest man ever statement.

Anyways i was on face book. The bain of my existence, and a boy i call him a boy because that's how i now see him anyways this boy i went to high school with decides to post something stupid about his first new teacher in college is a transgendered person. everyone picks on his spelling errors and ignores his ignorance. he deletes the post and posts about everyone attaching his spelling and ignoring the problem. what problem? what action would you have us take? i referred him to my favorite quote and asked him if he wanted everyone to attack someone for being themselves why didn't he have the nerve to come out and just say that. Morons.

My mother gave me a very great compliment a month or so ago. I told her i had been asked out and she asked if he was moron and i said no i don't think i could deal with that. And she told me i think your far to liberal and open minded to ever get along with someone like that. she said I'm not being mean i think its a very good thing and i wish i could be more like that. a very contrast compliment to one i received earlier that i was closed minded. I believe i am the very opposite of close minded. I hope to raise my son with the same open minded values to never judge anyone based upon any personal preference.

So im done ranting. have a wonderful evening.

The Holidays

So my holidays were not in general particularly painful. But they were different and i can say i miss my old life. The one i wanted anyways.

Its time to move on i know this you know this my dog definitely knows this since she gets all my excess loving i seem to have in abundance these days. It wont be easy, it never is. My life is one extreme to the next one high to the next low but ill make it. Because I'm bigger then this and no not my ass but ill give you that one and agree with you to boot.

Somehow...sometime the pain will stop and maybe ill be able to look at another man and honestly think maybe him? because i cant right now, I'm not even slightly ready for that i have been with one person and i never wanted to be with anyone else that's a hard habit to break.

Sweet Kisses on my arm.

My son is the only thing that brings me back to life for brief seconds moments minutes...He took my arm and kissed up and down it. And told me he loved me. The joy i felt in that moment is unmatched to anything else in this world. I picked him up and he giggled and squirmed and i kissed him all over and he kissed my arm again just to get the same reaction out of me. He loves it when were happy together just as i love it.

those moments are worth a million lifetimes...they are priceless. Words do them no justice.

Sad.

One word.

Im pretty sure one word cant sum up the scope of my utterly mockery of a life, but sad fits better then anything else i could possibly come up with.

I feel utter sadness at his relief his joy, his freedom. Because im lost wondering around in a circle that i cant seem to break one that im not sure im capable of breaking. I Could lie to you and tell you im doing better. But that really depends on the day.

Alot of my sadness comes from the fact that im alone in my pain, even in this he cant join me. Because he will never feel the hurt the pain and the life he has taken from me. Not even the life really but the love. The love that was obviously not shared. I cant imagin inflicting this much pain and being able to feel relief over it. but i guess i wouldnt understand because i wasnt stuck in a life I never wanted a life i felt i never put say into.

Believe me i tried, i fought long and hard for this life ever waking moment was to make them happy...it was for them because all i wanted was someone who loved me and family with them.

Thank you

For taking that away from me.