Wednesday, October 20, 2010

A thought.

More like an Epiphany? Really..i know me having one who would have thought right?

Anyways i will explain. Last week my mom had a yard sale and in the process of digging crap out of my garage to take over and sale i found my baby pictures. I was actually looking for them. They are the only ones anyone has of me and if something happened to them poof no more baby Manda. So i found them looked through them and took them to my mom to reproduce save and store.

Yeah yeah I'm getting there.

While looking at them you start to think of everything you have been through. Actually i do that quit frequently. I blame my mom. Alot. i blame her a WHOLE lot. I never tell her this i just chose to go around her when i want to. I feel an obligation to her, more of a I'm the parent obligation. I look at my grandparents as just that Parents. When my mother talks to me she asks have you talked to mom and dad. Not have you talked to grandma and grandpa. They raised me until i was 8 or 9 i block that stage out (the whole moving away not the growing up part) and then after that. I raised myself. My mother being who she is doesn't see it that way and never will even if i yelled at her or told her in a nice friendly way she would get upset and attack me. Better left alone.

Anyways yes I'm getting there. Looking at all those pictures made me breath. Made me step back and say she did the best she could. Even if her best isn't what i wanted. Maybe not what i felt i deserved but it shaped me into the strong person i am. And i pray (figure of speech i don't pray the whole god thing and all) that i turn out the way ayden needs me as a mother to be. To be everything my mother wasn't for me.

It's different for me. Mara is around, she is his "father" and i unlike my mother do NOT have to raise him alone. I never will. I hugged my mom for no reason. i sat with her and watched my son play in her backyard. She is a MUCH better Nana then a mother. But i love her. And so does ayden. She taught me things that i needed to make it through...

That being said, I was thinking on the way home from the store alone.. for once. I was thinking about how short life really is. Because I'm odd and think of things i probably shouldn't i realized we as humans never sit down and think about what if i die before Ayden graduates high school? How will he ever learn in that short time how much i loved him and all the life lessons i needed to teach him. Will i see him graduate college? get married? have children? We all just think of the future for them and say well ill be there.

What if I'm not..

Ive decided to write him letters for every stage of his life because i cant predict that ill be here... people die every day, from things you cant imagine. I hope beyond hoping that i get to be there. but if I'm not...i have things i need to tell him. Things he needs to know.

I haven't decided if i will post some of them here or not, i guess if your all interested let me know and i will otherwise ill write them and have my mom put them in that fire resistant tank proof vault she has in her house just in case.