I suck at life..

Ha Mara i stole that from you. But it's true i do i also blow at blogging because apparently I'm neither interesting of witty enough to accumulate more then five followers. Bah.

So if you lurk and don't fallow i condemn you to hell, not really but ill pretend for the witty part of me sake.

Anyways onto real life... haha *cough* I was supposed to go to the "dunes" this weekend with my mom step dad and step brother at some point a step sister was going to be there to. I feel receiving money from my father is far more important because without said money i wont be able to pay my car payment.. aww to be an unemployed adult forced to take money from your only parent who will give you money. It will also pay for food that is currently in my cupboards that i had to break down and buy. eh.. i don't feel guilty the nonexistence of his presence most of my life makes me have no guilt. I am a sad creature, that being said i do feel bad for making my son miss out on the fun-ness of the dunes. well fun for him anyways i was dreading it and really really didn't want to go. I really dislike the dunes and until my mother met my step dad in all her 40+ years of being in Utah never had gone so i know for a fact she didn't like it either.

Isn't funny how we change for the ones we love? stupid, were all stupid in that respect.

Alright I'm done you can go back to your Internet surfing and shake your head because that's exactly what i just did.

P.S. Just because i dont believe in god dosnt mean i dont celebrate easter since im pretty sure Jesus was a real brown man from the middle east that probably did some really good things or maybe not either way the colors and egg hunting is fun so Happy Easter

I am Tired.

Tired as in sleepy tired, I have not been sleeping well. If i sleep at all that is. I have no idea what is wrong. I didnt sleep for a whole day and then slept for almost twenty four hours. i believe that was general catch up sleep from the whole week since it was four hours one night three the next and maybe six he next..

God help me i need to sleep! I have even taken sleeping pills and nothing!

Realization

Realization that i am now totally alone has set in. Sure i have my family, not that i could stand them much anyways. They are not exactly understanding in issues that i am going through. Or ever for that matter. My mom has never been a mom and my grandma who has been is always so far away and more closed minded then i would care to admit because i love her so much it hurts to realize that her only answer is to go to church and pray.

I only had one person for SO many years that understood this and she was my husband, she was the only constant in my life that didn't judge and didn't give crappy advice. I don't have her anymore and that really sucks. She has her own issues and saying she instead of he has been a real challenge one that i don't quit understand.

Realising its just me now, me and ayden scares me beyond belief i no longer have anyone to go home and say this is whats wrong and im freaking out and have them say it will be ok and mean it because no matter what they intend to be there. I know she didn't love me for years but that support with or without love was still nice because i still loved her. I guess its the alone part that is bugging me.

Alone.

No job, no schooling and one little boy who depends on me for everything and i feel like i have been failing him. I have friends only one who truly knows and the rest are in the dark they say they want to help that they will listen but they honestly dont care. They have there own lives and i dont blame them for that i know what its like. they shouldnt have to be my support. I will have to learn to be my own. Alone.

Goodnight.

So...

I have been increasingly happy the last week or so, Part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop sort of speak. But i think were a little late for that. I am hoping this was the push i needed to finally snap out of it. Moving on is SO hard but so necessary, i am finally dealing with all the things that went wrong.

I knew from the beginning there was no going back no fixing it but totally grasping that takes some time. Nine years is a long time to get over. I have made decisions in my life that i feel are not only best for my son which is the main concern but for me as well.

I love my little boy and he is my main priority along with his mental physical and over all health and i will do everything in my power to keep him healthy in all those areas even if that means no longer having certain friends or relatives for that matter.

Unemployment.

So they finally extended it. which means i can now apply for an extension when my money runs out next week. i guess will see from there if i am approved i pray to god i am. because i really really really need it. I have applied for EVERYthing under the sun! half of it i don't qualify for anyways but i still apply and the other half i never hear anything back...

Its just for frustrating and time consuming. I guess will see if you pray, pray that i get my extension if you don't pray cross your fingers!

Short and sweet

A Big Theme with me.

Is Ignorance, In daily life i know you run across this. I know this for a fact because Half the Human race Is ignorant to the other Half.

People's Stupidity never fails to amaze me. I do mean NEVER. I have heard this said many times by many people that some people shouldn't reproduce, Breed, Procreate Etc. Its true, And i know what and who i am and people can judge me for a ray of different things. The fact that my house isn't clean every day because some days i just don't feel like cleaning it. Because sometimes i get facts wrong. whatever that's fine but i do pride myself of my knowledge of certain subjects.

But those people who complain about their children being sick for months at a time and doing little about it and then being scared that their child might die...These are people i don't understand. I doubt i ever will. I have seen so many stories about children dieing of cancer things that make you cherish the little things because life is so uncertain and to come across someone so Ignorant makes me want to use my gun rights (thank you republicans for fighting for me to be able to have a semi automatic because i honestly never thought i would have use for one in society until now) and cap a bitch. Ha.

My rant is over, lackluster i know. So until next time i heart you all!