Thursday, December 17, 2009

Sweet Kisses on my arm.

My son is the only thing that brings me back to life for brief seconds moments minutes...He took my arm and kissed up and down it. And told me he loved me. The joy i felt in that moment is unmatched to anything else in this world. I picked him up and he giggled and squirmed and i kissed him all over and he kissed my arm again just to get the same reaction out of me. He loves it when were happy together just as i love it.

those moments are worth a million lifetimes...they are priceless. Words do them no justice.

Sad.

One word.

Im pretty sure one word cant sum up the scope of my utterly mockery of a life, but sad fits better then anything else i could possibly come up with.

I feel utter sadness at his relief his joy, his freedom. Because im lost wondering around in a circle that i cant seem to break one that im not sure im capable of breaking. I Could lie to you and tell you im doing better. But that really depends on the day.

Alot of my sadness comes from the fact that im alone in my pain, even in this he cant join me. Because he will never feel the hurt the pain and the life he has taken from me. Not even the life really but the love. The love that was obviously not shared. I cant imagin inflicting this much pain and being able to feel relief over it. but i guess i wouldnt understand because i wasnt stuck in a life I never wanted a life i felt i never put say into.

Believe me i tried, i fought long and hard for this life ever waking moment was to make them happy...it was for them because all i wanted was someone who loved me and family with them.

Thank you

For taking that away from me.